Monday, April 7, 2008

Mum is the Word...

"It's almost hard to believe you have a mental illness these days," my father told me as I sat in my office and typed away on my work computer. 

"Don't tell Social Security that," I replied, smiling, as I turned to face him as I quit typing.

"What symptoms do you have these days?" my father asked.

"I call it a 'busy' mind," I replied. "It is as if my brain is two steps ahead of my body."

"What are your biggest side effects of the medications?" he then asked. "I know they all have some kind of side effect."

"Sexual dysfunction," I whispered, holding a finger to my lips, urging him to keep it mum.  "It drove Rosa crazy."

"Sex is overrated anyway," my father replied softly as he left my office to fill more prescriptions.

"Especially, if you never even think of it anymore," I thought after dad left.     

In some ways, it is very freeing to not be a slave to all the emotions and urgings an active sex drive can bring on.  I've talked to my psychiatrist about it very candidly and he agreed with me.  As long as I don't have a problem with it, then he was okay as well.  I still can't help but think I am missing out on a part of my humanity, though.  It is something we all do and drives so much of what I see in popular culture and society.   I realized I always loved Rosa, but I could never lust for her.  Am I only half human as well?


Sharyna said...

I have been told that if someone attracts you in that way, you'll feel it; pills or not. I'm not worried about you. Rosa just wasn't the one.


Summer said...

Wow. What a question to ponder.

Martha said...

Definitely not half human. Please don't trouble yourself with that question. Reading your blog makes me think you're a lot more human than most people I actually know.

justLacey said...

No you are not half human. The lust diminishes in a relationship after a while anyway. A friend once told me when I was young and lustful and I didn't believe her. She likened it to this: "I love spaghetti, but if someone put it in front of me every night I'd be thinking spaghetti again?!!!" You might be at an advantage letting the big head talk first and if your situation changes then maybe they can adjust your medications to help you at that time.

SOUL: said...

there are certain meds that affect that area a lot more than others-- if it a major concern for you, maybe you could talk to your doc about trying something new??
it also could be partly due to so many life changes lately-- relationship changes-- the back and forth with rosa-- the job... money concerns, gaining weight, ya know??? you really have a lot on your mind that could be the problem. maybe once these areas are settled , the rest will fall into place.

really --- been there, done that-- sometimes it's meds-- sometimes it's just life-- almost always --- it's temporary--- don't write yourself off just yet-- you my brotha, are very human.. not half anything!

hoping you have a great tuesday!

Tee said...

You are not half human. Lust is a powerful thing, look at all the crime, wars and turmoil caused by lust.

The "Warning to Cats" cracked me up. That little Maggie is a fire ball. Was the cat inside her fence? She's loud, but she might be the "under dog" if she tangles with that cat.

Leann said...

Wow Andrew. That is indeed a question to ponder. I'm not sure our lustfulness drives our lives. You may have an advantage in that you see the real person instead of lusting for the physical one.

mosiacmind said...

Your are NOT just half a person! I know it is hard dealing with the side effects of medication. I know for me if I were with someone I would much rather them be emotonally there for me and not be sexual than be there sexually and not emotionally. I read about how much you gave Rosa your time and welcomed in your home and helped her do things...I think that the issues between you and Rosa were mainly her issues in life not yours.I think also that you are so so much as a person! I also think if one was just half of a person he or she would not stay sober. Just some thoughts my friend. PLEASE do not get down on yourself my friend.I honestly know Andrew that I treasure you as a blogging buddy and am SO SO glad that we have connected.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

No andrew not even close. you are SO human! It SHINES out of your blog. Don't even think that. its just the meds. besides theres lots of people who are NOT on meds that have become very routine and pedestrian in their cohabiting lives once kids show up and long hours mean everyone is EXHAUSTED. Dont buy into that idea that everyone else is 'fully functioning' they are not! There are SO many people on anti depressants here, that the water supply is contaminated with them. amazing huh? s i dare say this is more common than you think..