Blearily I rub my eyes as bluish smoke from my cigarette curls around my face. It is lightning outside and the first drops of heavy rain can be heard on my storm windows. I am up contemplating life and it's meaning. Am I actually living my life as I see fit, or living it how I am expected to live it by conventional standards? That is a good question to answer. What happened with Joyce today got me to thinking. Thinking about how this complicated conceptual and emotional "human" system breaks down with mental illness. This dance we all do as humans to get along and fit as cogs within the great machine that is society. I don't feel better, but I am going to go to bed in a minute realizing a great big light bulb lit off in my brain. I had a glimpse of greatness however fleeting. I can choose to continue as is and as is expected of me. Or I can be truly mad and have a flight of fancy. I will sleep on it and see what mood overcomes me during my waking ritual. Goodnight.