Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Walking on Thin Ice...

I was so glad to make it in to work.  I checked my pulse carefully watching for the signs of another panic attack -- just waiting for my head to swim into the mind oblivion that is those things.  So far so good! I need to go find some wood to knock upon.

"What do you do with your days?" Betty asked me not long after arriving.

"I spend a lot of time on the computer," I replied as I sheepishly grinned. 

"Oh, my husband does, too!" She exclaimed as she laughed jovially and went walking out of my office.

Betty is in her late fifties and early sixties.  She's worked for Dad for years and years.  She has retired twice only to find she hates the idleness of retirement and has come back to work.  I like her.  I admire her work ethic.  Dad thinks she is one of his best employees besides his co-pharmacist. 

Work is quiet for the most part.  Dad is off and I am having to find things to do.  He usually keeps me busy.  Soon, I will escape with my box of deliveries and head up the road.  From Viagra to Xanax, I am the go-to man.  Straight to your door, I bring the pills that make you hornier or mellow or keep your blood pressure low.   My position is highly underestimated.  

Pecans and Berries...

The Pecan tree in my backyard is really pumping out the pollen these days.  Pecans are always the last tree to leaf out around here.


I just love these berries in the sunlight.  I hope you don't mind a picture of them.



Sunbathing...

Just snapped this shot of Maggie in the yard.  It is beautiful here today with temps in the seventies and a brilliant blue sky.  Makes you glad to be alive on such a day!  Maggie was looking at me like, "Don't bark.  Just don't bark! I am comfortable."


Me Time...

Spent another morning down at the railyard.  I gawked as great mechanical behemoths carried tons and tons of freight.  This is my "me" time -- my time to rest and relax, and to forget about work and all my troubles.  At one point, I was daring and climbed a signal masthead to look down the tracks.  The kid in me squealed with glee!  Callous hands holding silver painted rungs stung as I climbed down.  I retired to the bench behind the bank to look at my magazines and wait on one more train before leaving.  I am blessed that we've had a lot of traffic on the railways near my house.

I was overjoyed this morning when The Homeless Guy finally got an apartment.  Yes, he can be brash and arrogant.  But no one deserves to flounder, mired in homelessness.  I felt as if I have been on one big journey reading his blog for years and it was the end.  Finis.  The next big step for him will be coming up with $150 dollars rent and keeping it. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

More Amaryllis...

My growing dandelion garden. (Yes, I need to mow badly.)


Do you live vicariously through blogs?

I do.  I love to log on and see what The Homeless Guy is doing.  He is getting an apartment today.  I am always jealous of his fierce independence.  And there is Cheryl.   I love to see what Cheryl is doing -- most likely cooking something good and working in her yard.  I adore her.  How could I forget Annabel?  The busiest teacher in Texas.  She is off to Austin soon for another speech tournament.  Then I turn my attention to my furry faced friend and professor, Pipe Tobacco.  He is on an upswing after much emotional turmoil.  It is great to have him back posting regularly again.

Oh, I could go on about so many people. MooHaa, Portia, Bonnie, SoulSurvivor, and more.  I could write all day on the wonderful people that have touched my life in one way or the other.  All by reading the tales of their lives on their blogs. People who are freely sharing their lives with others.  It truly is a labor of love!

Truth From a Dog...

Maggie says, "It's a ho hum day!"



The Early Worm Gets the Hospital Bed...

It was another early day at work. I had to deliver a hospital bed. I felt shaky as I had another big panic attack last night.






"What's wrong with you?" one of my father's employees asked.






"Didn't sleep good," was my feeble reply.






Got to the customer's house that ordered the bed. It was another Hospice case. A woman's husband was dying. I don't often think about the end of life. I am still so young at 36. I was very kind to the wife and gave her a hug as I left.






"You never know what life will bring you," she solemnly told me.






"No ma'am. You don't," I replied. "You take care of yourself and know you are not alone. Call us if you need anything at the store."






I left and drove back to the pharmacy to return the van.






"It was sad wasn't it?" my father asked as I walked in.






"More glum for an already glum day," I replied.






I drove home thanking the gods that be for my health. Yes, I am having panic attacks, but they are livable despite what I want to tell you.

Deserted Islands for Deserving Souls...

Last night found me sitting in my Lazy Boy after my father left. Cordless phone in hand, I was talking to Rosa. We still tease each other about getting back together. Frankly, I miss her. I miss her craziness. I miss her quirks. I also miss waking up to a warm body besides Maggie in my bed.


"Tell me about your day!" she asked.


"Oh, I fixed computers, played with Maggie, ate a good supper," I replied.


My response was very generic and I was careful not to mention the emotional outpouring between Dad and I. That would have immediately turned her mood sour. Will we ever get back together? I doubt it, but I haven't given up hope yet.


The phone call ended with her talking joyously of her new apartment.


"Having a working dishwasher is wondrous!" She exclaimed.


"What's Ferret been doing?" I then asked.


"I never see him," she said. "He stays gone all the time. He only has a mattress and a TV in that apartment, though."


I smiled. Ferret always loved living on the edge. Rosa and I said our goodnights and soon I was dosing off in my chair with a Model Railroader open in my lap. My age old ritual of washing my face and putting on my sleeping clothes commenced.


"Andrew, you look tired," I told myself as I stood in the mirror of my bathroom.


And I did. It was another exasperating day of emotional and human interaction. Other people stymie me. Their wants. Their desires. Their needs. I am still waiting on winning the lottery and buying me a small deserted island in the South Pacific. And that's not likely to happen.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Run Maggie Run!

video

One Caring Soul to Another...

"I love you, son," my father told me in my office a moment ago. "I know you've thought I've been hard on you and I have.  You were going to kill yourself.  You were dying drink by drink."

I grabbed Dad and hugged him. "Thank you so much.  Thank you for caring."

My father left my office to go back to filling prescriptions.  I hadn't felt so happy in a long, long time.  "He loves me," I kept thinking.  There was a time in my life that I thought I was irredeemable in my father's eyes. 

When I was drinking and carrying on, I got a lot of feedback from my family about how terrible I was doing.  It was constant.  Things got quiet though when I sobered up.  The accolades were few and far between.  Everyone waited with abated breath about how far I could make it.  I think they are now starting to realize that I am sober for the long haul.

A moment ago, I walked out and got a thank you card from the pharmacy's card rack.  I am going to send dad a formal card of thanks in the mail.  I owe him my life and my sobriety.  Without him I would be just some nameless homeless drunk in a big city. 

Little Beauty...

These flowers were across the street in my neighbor's yard.  I clandestinely snuck over to take a photograph.  They smell heavenly. 


Relaxing...

This was Maggie a few minutes ago.  She insists on laying this way on my couch cushions deforming them.   I would say she was pretty relaxed! LOL  I had to be terrible and barked, though, upsetting her comfort.


Computing Woes...

I had to go into work early today.  I got several frantic messages on my answering machine this morning:

The computers are down.  We need you!!!

I called our always helpful tech support and they walked me through getting all the computers back up.  I was very satisfied at having been so helpful.  I felt like I was pulling my weight at work.

"How did you learn all this computer stuff?" Betty asked me as I was getting a Coca-Cola.

"It just comes natural to me," I replied. "Always has."

Dad handed me a ten dollar bill as I was walking out of the store.

"I am trusting you not to drink," he said. "Go get you some lunch."

I headed straight up the road to Chuck's Barbeque and ate a barbeque pork plate with slaw and potato salad.  It was one of the most satisfying meals I've had in ages.  And I didn't drink on the money -- for that I am very proud.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Maggie's Sunday...

A day of storms and a time to go outside as they break. Maggie looks like, "just what are YOU doing?" I would have gone crazy if not for this dog the past week. She roots me in sanity.

A face only her mother or me could love!  There is just something about those big, brown eyes. 


Short Sunday Post...

I really wanted to get down to the railyard today, but storms have threatened all day.  What did I do?  I laid in the bed watching funky old movies as I read old issues of Model Railroader.  This just thrills Maggie when I do this and she snuggles up to me on the bed.  She also spent a long time preening as she is noted for doing.  I kept dozing off and got worried I was going to break my $300 dollar pair of glasses. 

Thank you all for all the comments on the last post.  Thank you so much.  You all don't know what you mean to me.   I was worried that the blog was dead (I need to check my Sitemeter).  I have been lucky over the years of writing this, and the blog has seen some of the kindest and most friendly people.

Well, I am at a loss of words today.  It has been a nice day with a respite from my anxiety attacks.  I actually feel well at the moment -- almost happy.   Take care and I will write more soon! 

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Had My Truth Serum...

I've struggled more recently with my addictions and mental illness than I have in years.  I am just going to break away from the gang.  I feel they are bad influences on me.  I came so close to re-pawning my camera and getting some beer this afternoon.  This means no more going down to the shopping center and hanging out.  I will still occasionally see some of them on my jaunts to the railyard, though. 

I fear this will make my blog boring and I hate to see it die, but it is dying.  We will just see how it goes.  Maybe I can make the mundane interesting.  I've felt so badly that my writing has suffered as well.  I appreciate those of you that continue to comment and have suffered through some of my more embarrassing moments.  It is for you that I write this blog.  I just feel I am having to try so hard with this blogging thing, and it should come natural as it always has.   

A Different Direction...

I warily gave Big S directions to my new house today.  Wouldn't you know he would show up this afternoon with directions to a house nearby he wants us to hang out at tomorrow. 

"Good bunch of fellas," he told me. "Guys I hang out with when I am not down at the Piggly Wiggly."

"All black?" I warily asked.

"Yeah, but you are cool so they will be, too," Big S replied as he laughed.

I know the house.  It is over by the housing projects and a great big group of men hang out there during the afternoon.  It is on the route I drive to my parents house.  Who knows?  I might just head over there tomorrow and see how things go.  This sitting at home all day on the computer is for the birds.   

Serious Sobriety...

I had a long conversation with Big S about George this morning.  Big S assures me that George wants to see me. 

"He asks about you all the time," Big S said.

I don't know, though.  George and I had a big falling out about the drinking situation.  George was actually making fun of me for attending AA at the end. I am not usually so sensitive, but took my sobriety to heart and quit talking to him.  I miss him, though.  He was my favorite of the gang. 

"You worried about drinking?" Big S asked me.

"Yeah," I said at a loss for words.

"Well, nothing can be as bad as how Ferret harps on you about taking a drink," Big S replied.

He was right.  Ferret has been relentless about me taking a drink.  Misery loves company.  I have resigned myself to seeing George in the next few days or so. It will be good to see my old friend and for him to ask me how Rachel is doing.  That always makes me laugh. 

A Study in Sunlight...

"Oh, it's you daddy! You have that camera again!"  Maggie sitting on her precarious perch on the back of the couch.  From here, we survey the outside world through glass windows and shafts of sunlight. 

She emits a growl as a few kids walk by ever vigilant.  I chuckled and refrained from barking myself. It would have caused an uproar.

"Hey! This is just me doing what I do!  I have to guard the house, amigo!"

Friday, April 25, 2008

Your Obligatory Maggie Photo...

It has rained all afternoon -- a wonderful thunderstorm-like rain.  Maggie has spent the day on my bed.  The rain cleared and she just had to get outside in the waning light to sniff and carouse.  That carcass to the left is her plush cow toy now wet. 


Okay Day

This is my most boring post ever, but it is all I feel like doing!

It has been an okay day.  I've had to fight off panic attacks all day, though.  It is starting to feel normal this not feeling normal.  The highlight of my day was a late lunch.  Mom and I bought all kinds of healthy food to eat yesterday.  I grilled chicken marinated in Italian dressing, made a yellow squash casserole, and ate a salad.

I'm at work now.  It is raining outside and it makes me wish I was home and in the bed.  Mom and Dad are off to Birmingham, Al for my cousin's wedding.  I don't envy them of that task. 

I had another terrible attack last night.  Dad was concerned I was drinking and that's what was causing these sudden attacks.  He searched my house, fridge, and my trash for beer cans.  He didn't find anything cause I haven't been doing anything wrong.  That will exacerbate the attacks him doing that.  I finally fell asleep around midnight and rested all night without waking.  This morning, as you know, was spent with some of the gang. 

Cigarettes as Money...

Dexter was following me through downtown this morning.  I was walking from the railyard up to the shopping center.  He was like a lost puppy. 

"Give me some cigarettes," he pleaded.

"You don't even smoke!" I exclaimed.

"I need them for something," he replied.

"You need them to bribe Big S and Ferret," I responded.

Dexter giggled nervously.  Just what he was going to bribe them for I have no idea and was afraid to ask.  Dexter may be retarded, but he is streetwise.  He knows cigarettes are like currency within the gang.  It may be something as simple as getting them to buy him some lunch which is often the case.

"I'll give you five," I then said.

Dexter grinned feverishly and set out for the shopping center ahead of me.  He was a man on a mission.  I found out later it was some $2 bootleg DVDs he was wanting from the flea market in the shopping center.  He was hoping to trade the cigarettes for cash.  I never found out if he actually got the DVDs.    

Thursday, April 24, 2008

More Pioneer Woman Goodness!

C.A. cooked up some Pioneer Woman recipes tonight.  Visit her blog and see how they turned out.  The photos made me so hungry!

C.A. cooks Pioneer Woman style!

If you haven't been here then you are missing out!

Visit PW's Confessions of a Pioneer Woman

Elementary, My Dear!

I was disappointed by my ranking. I was hoping for at least middle school! LOL
blog readability test

Movie Reviews



Busybodies...

The girls at work are busybodies.  Dad says it gets on his nerves.  I find it interesting in a way.  They all don't have lives, work a lot, and stay in each other's business.

"Have you thought about dating again?" Veronica asked me after I had settled in my office today.  We were continuing a conversation that started when I arrived.

"Not really," I said, not thinking much about it.

"I have a girlfriend I might want to hook you up with," she then said smiling.

"Oh no!" I exclaimed. "Let's not go there.  I think I am going to be single for quite a long time!"

"Just let me know," Veronica said poking her head back in my office door with a smile.

I sat and smiled as I thought about how that would really get the gossip galley to murmuring.  The girls would eat that up.  They all think it is so strange that I am 36 and not married.   Most of them don't remember Rachel or the hell I put her through.

Still, it is tempting.  I would just blabber on about my past substance abuse and my mental illness and ruin it all, though.  I think a prospective date should know and that usually nips them in the bud in the beginning.   Rosa had her own row to hoe that I never talked about on this blog.  That is why she was so forgiving of me.   

The Dog Days...

Maggie seems depressed today.  She has laid on the couch like this for hours.  I am sure dogs have good days and bad just like we do.  I am fixing to go to the grocery store with Mom and will get her lots of treats.  We'll see if we can't perk her up some.


Tempted By The Darkside...

It has been a really long time since I have been tempted to drink.  Far too long to remember the last time.  I was tempted this morning as I sat with Big S and Ferret in front of the convenience store run by the middle eastern men. 

"One drink ain't gonna hurt ya!" Ferret exclaimed as we sat there on the curb.

He pulled out a malt liquor bottle from his backpack and pushed it towards me.

"One drink.  Try it," he said.

I didn't drink it, though.  I pushed the bottle away.  I was more interested in Ferret's new apartment in the same apartment complex as Rosa. 

"My grandfather is paying my rent," he told me.

"So, your disability money goes to beer?" I asked.

"Yeah, that is about right," Ferret said.

I chuckled.  One of the nice things about Ferret is his honesty.  He will tell you like it is. 

It was so good to hang out with the gang again.  This gives me some purpose to life.  I know they are not the most outstanding friends, but they are my friends none-the-less.  They accept me for who I am faults and all. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Incorrigible Souls...

Went down to the shopping center this afternoon.  I drove and parked near the Piggly Wiggly.  Big S was sitting out front on a bench.  I walked over and asked him a thousand questions about the gang and George.  It seems the gang is still around, just not as much.

"What happened to George and his supposed cirrhosis?" I asked Big S

Big S chuckled and said, "George be cuttin' down his drinkin' drastically.  He still be with Pookie and playin' poker every Saturday night."

"I always worried Pookie would get George hooked on crack!" I then exclaimed.

Big S chuckled some more as I sat and smiled. 

It was good spending some time with Big S along with an appearance by Dexter.  I might just start writing about the gang again.  I certainly need to give this blog some focus and to have something meaningful to do. 

Contentment...

I love to see Maggie stretched out like this. She looks so content. Moments later she was barking and riled up over a pedestrian.  Maggie is the number one reason I am not homeless these days.  She gives me joy and she gives me hope.  I give her a home and a loving family.



The Crazy Walking Man

"Big S has a life," I told myself as I feverishly walked through my neighborhood a moment ago. "He has 'friends' and people to hang with."

Grass always greener...  The story of my life.

I was walking to walk off a panic attack.  I have found that to be the best means to stave one off.  I am still struggling with those damned things.  I fear my body is falling apart.

You could become a drunk again.  You could rekindle the friendship with George.

"Nah," I thought. "That would make the panic attacks worse." 

Be the best you can be at AA.  Go to every meeting.  Meet people.  Get out and mingle.  Become a pillar of the community.

Now that was starting to sound more pleasant and doable.  I would like that.  If only I could get over my social anxieties. 

I arrived home and my mind was racing 3 miles a minute with such thoughts.  There has got to be something fruitful to expend this life doing.  I think I am just going to go get in the bed and lay there for the rest of the day. 

Willy Nilly...

Dreamed last night I was homeless again.  It happens quite a bit.  I often think of selling everything I own and striking out for Nashville.  I could cavort with "The Homeless Guy" as we sat in coffee shops with our laptops. 

I'm starting to come to the realization that I need an austere life just to stay alive.  I do everything in excess and don't know how to moderate my tendencies.  I drink a case of diet coke a day.  I smoke 2 packs of cigarillos a day.  I go on great droughts of not eating then eat in excess.  Everything about me is black and white.  Dark and light.  Binge and purge. 

So, that brings me back to the austere life of a homeless man.  I get it in my head that this frugal life will avail me of my urges -- the inescapable urge to burn my candle at both ends.  The Rescue Mission would feed me two scheduled and stable, balanced meals a day.  I would sleep on a stringent schedule.  I need the harshness of that life to control myself.  I am certainly out of control as it is and feel at a loss as to what to do about it.  If I ever just disappear then you know where I am. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Flowers At Sunset...

Saw these over in Joyce's yard by her mailbox.  I loved the way they looked in the waning light of the day.  Some type of day lily?



Hope It's Green in your World!

Just stood on my back deck with this view. Everything is so green! And that gets me so excited. I am feeling much better this afternoon, although I've only drank water all day. No two dozen cokes. I look forward to Dad coming tonight. And you should now that Maggie has spent all day outside keeping tabs on all the pedestrians we've had today. It thrills her when I walk outside.



As compared to this back in March when winter didn't want to relent!




Billy Boy...

I called in sick to work and went for a long meandering walk.  The end of my walk found me at the AA meeting hall by my grandmother's house.  I recognized the person moving the grass as Billy.  He saw me and immediately turned off the mower.

"Where have you been?" he said very heartfelt.

"I don't have any money for the donation basket so I haven't been coming," I replied.

"You sober still?"

"Over 150 days," I replied.

I was so lonely.  I was just overjoyed to see Billy and just have someone to talk to.  I've felt so poorly today.  We talked a long time about how AA in the Valley has been floundering.  He urged me to come and to forget about the donations.

"Thursday night is a meeting!" he said.

"I will think about it," I replied as I walked off and he went back to mowing the grass.

I plan on going if I feel better.  First, I have to get over the guilt of calling in sick to work.  Then, get over these damned anxiety attacks.  I just didn't feel able to drive when I get like this.    

Things Going On...

I am struggling with those anxiety attacks again.  They came on suddenly.  My stomach is a mess of butterflies.  I don't want to dwell on it though.  I've tried so hard to make this a positive blog.  I am drinking lots of water and staying away from caffeine today. 

I think my rancor for The Homeless Guy has passed.  I have been reading lately and have been happy for him -- encouraging him in his comments which he never publishes.  He is like me and doesn't have a lot of comforts in life.  I hope he enjoys his new laptop and the video game, SecondLife.

Dad has decided we are going to Outback for my birthday.  I casually mentioned their Rockhampton Ribeye as being my favorite steak.  "Let's go when you are rested so no hurry," I told him. 

I wish I could sleep around the clock.  It was so nice sleeping with Maggie last night.  She stayed by my side all evening.  I fell asleep listening to Coast to Coast AM and woke up to infomercials.  Maybe that is why I have this sudden urge to spend money on useless things.  I am mesmerized by Billie Mays and his "Ground Aug" infomercial.  Every time he says "shipping and processing" I get excited! LOL

Monday, April 21, 2008

Clocking In Early...

I went in to work early today.  I mainly went in for the socialization that occurs at work.  I was lonely.  I got in a discussion with Dad about my buying regular Cokes last week.  He doesn't want me to drink them cause I continue to lose weight.  I can't drink them because they make me feel crazy! No shit!  My mind goes a mile a minute on "regular" Cokes.

"Veronica didn't hurt your feelings too much this morning about the smoking?" Dad then asked me.

"I know I shouldn't smoke," I told him. "I just don't have a lot of comforts in life and that is one of them."

Spoken like a true addict in denial.  We always have excuses. 

We got in a discussion about that rabid anti-smoking fervor these days has more to do with the "powers that be" manipulating escalating health costs more than about people's actual health.  It is always about the money.  I blurted out my tired old excuse that lots of schizophrenics smoke.  There are tons of medical studies about mental illness and substance abuse.  It makes me feel better about my habit.  I guess if I was a lemming then I would be walking off the precipice along with all the others.

Well, I am going to sit quietly in my office for the next few hours until time to do the deliveries.  I have to wait until close to closing in case some late ones come in.  I really don't have much to do today.           

Shadows and Light...

I call this Maggie's base of operations.  From this precarious perch on the back of the couch, we watch the neighborhood for errant cats and pedestrians. 

Maggie sees a young man walking by.  This erupts into muted cough-like barking.  We see a lot of foot traffic on this road due to a housing project nearby. It keeps Maggie busy. 
She turns to see if I am going to bark as well.  I do and she erupts in a furious barking tirade guarding the house and yard.  This happens multiple times a day.  She nor I never tire of it.  I guess we both need lives. 

Dandelion Bliss...

As old as I am, I always see one of these and have to pick it and blow it into the wind.  A vestige of childhood that never grows old.   Do you ever still want to pick dandelions and blow them into the wind as well?


I don't wanna grow old...

"Don't you want to live until 95?" one of my father's employees asked me this morning in criticism of my smoking.  I was down at the pharmacy getting a coke after a morning drive.  I just had to get out of the house.

Well, Dad could see it visibly perturbed me.  I was walking out the door when he grabbed me and pulled me to the side.

"She didn't mean anything by it," he said. "She just likes you.  She wants what's best for you."

"I've just had so many people in my life telling me how to live.  My blog.  You and mom. Rosa.  It is discouraging and it grows old."

Dad gave me a hug and told me to grin and bear it. 

"And no.  I wouldn't want to live to be a decrepit old ninety year old," I finally retorted.

Dad burst out laughing. "Now that is the Andrew I know and love.  You were always fierce."

I got in my Honda and drove home.  Seriously, I've had enough criticism in my short life to last a lifetime.  I am frankly tired of it.  I don't find it funny or endearing.  I just want to be left alone to live my life as I see fit. 

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Don't Call Audubon...

"Hey!  I was just minding my own business when this Furball came outta nowhere!"

Maggie runs over to the fence.  Her prey?  A grouping of birds!  They fly skywards as she arrives. 

"Yeap!  I smell mockingbird.  Didn't they know this was my yard?  How dare they!"
Maggie slinking back towards me after her carnivorous outburst.  She knows where the real food is!  I give her a pup-eroni treat.

Juxtaposition...

My old glasses are on top, and my new on the bottom. I was coming straight out of the eighties with my old. They were prescribed to me in 1988! The difference in my eyesight is remarkable! And aren't they stylish?



Words can be Daggers!

"Why did you leave me?" I asked Rosa over the phone a moment ago.

She had called me to ask about some things she needed to pick up.  Toiletries and what-nots. 

"I've already told you," she said. "And besides... It will just hurt your feelings again.  You are so sensitive."

"Was it my lack of money?"

"It was your overbearing family!" Rosa blurted out. "It is just not natural.  You are 36 years old.  Your father creeps me out. They are controlling you and you don't see it."

She was right.  It did hurt my feelings.  My love was torn for my family and for her.  We talked for awhile longer until I said goodbye.  I wanted to sit quietly and have a pity party.  I have missed her so much lately.  I have missed just having anyone.  Rosa was always so forgiving of my unorthodox life.  I guess she had finally had enough.  A person can only take so much. 

I honestly don't know how to go about changing my life without destroying the relationship with my father.  He now has a hand in every aspect of my life just like my mother. 

And you know what?  I have a pretty good life as well to be honest.  I don't have a lot of pressure on me.  All my physical needs are met.  I have a part time job that is very forgiving.    I have plenty of time for the other love of my life, the Internet.   I will just have to decide to forgivingly live with the status quo or unleash the maelstrom of change that would be me trying to reinvent myself. Freedom can come at a very dear cost at times.   

A Conversation with a Railroader...

"You don't want to work for the railroad," a switchman told me this morning down at the railyard. 

I had resigned myself to the fact that my chances were zero anyway.  How many transportation companies want to hire a schizophrenic?  I was able to hide it when I drove a big rig truck.  It would be a dream come true for me, though. 

"What is the toughest part of the job?" I then asked.

The switchman smiled, then scoffed, and said, "You never get to go home! I am always on the rails."

His train left and I walked on back up to the shopping center.  I spent some time in Fred's dollar store looking at prices until the employees started to warily watch me for shoplifting.   I felt uncomfortable and left.  I had no money to buy anything. 

This particular Fred's always brings back bad memories.  Memories of when I would search my grandmother's house for spare change and would buy a bottle of dollar mouthwash to drink.  It is hard to believe I used to live that way.  The thought of drinking that swill now sends my stomach to flip-flopping.  Nauseous! 

"You got a cigarette?" a young black girl asked me as I left the store.

She had saw me light up. 

"You don't look a day over fifteen!" I exclaimed as I laughed.

She broke out into a tirade of insults over my denial.  I just laughed, got in my car that was parked in the parking lot, and drove home. 

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Aw, Sleep Tight Sweetheart!

It's been a tough dawg day.  They don't call them the dog days of summer for nothin'.  First, we started out on the couch.  Daddy would occasionally bark causing me to jump up and bark as well.  He thought it was funny.  Next, I ended up on the den floor nestling my pound puppy. That was uncomfortable. Finally, I decided to get on the big bed.  Daddy keeps taking pictures of me!  Let a dawg sleep, man!  It has been a tough day!