I was driving home this afternoon with my one delivery for the evening. I felt tired. I felt like I had been on stage for hours and I had. Work is like a finely orchestrated play where all the participants must act out their part for the Grande finale which is closing time. Luckily, I got to leave early with a light load to bear. Today was an easy day.
"You're John's son!" The elderly lady exclaimed as I handed over her blood pressure medication during my one delivery. "I haven't seen you in years!"
A hug later, I was traipsing down her driveway headed for home. "Thank God!" I muttered as I shut my car door and drove briskly off. She lived in my neighborhood. I wanted to get home and veg out in front of my computer with cigarillos and diet Cokes. I wanted to see what the always interesting life of Maggie had been like in my absence.
On top of the carefully orchestrated play that goes on at work, I also have a carefully orchestrated mental balancing act. I felt mentally wonky today -- what I call a busy mind. My brain seems to get ahead of my body and feels what only can be described as... nervous. I have to hide this and I have to take a lot of breaks for my body to catch up with my brain. I am glad to be home. I made it another day without a failure. That is always a miracle in my book. I want to climb the highest mountain and decree that there is recovery and there is hope from alcoholism and schizophrenia. I am living proof. I shy in saying that though for knocking on wood. My ailments always lurk underneath that placid lake that is my calm and collected exterior.
I will digress and say it does get easier. Just today I heard rumors that my father is going to start giving me money again. "Your Dad says he wants you to ask for the money. You never ask anymore," Mom told me as she just ran by a Mrs. Edward's Lemon Meringue pie buying books at Krogers. I am afraid to ask for being told no once more. Could it be? Could this long winter of doing without finally be coming to a close? I can only hope.