Monday, March 3, 2008

Stage Fright and the Flight Home

I was driving home this afternoon with my one delivery for the evening.  I felt tired.  I felt like I had been on stage for hours and I had.  Work is like a finely orchestrated play where all the participants must act out their part for the Grande finale which is closing time.  Luckily, I got to leave early with a light load to bear.  Today was an easy day. 

"You're John's son!" The elderly lady exclaimed as I handed over her blood pressure medication during my one delivery.  "I haven't seen you in years!"

A hug later, I was traipsing down her driveway headed for home.  "Thank God!" I muttered as I shut my car door and drove briskly off.   She lived in my neighborhood.  I wanted to get home and veg out in front of my computer with cigarillos and diet Cokes.  I wanted to see what the always interesting life of Maggie had been like in my absence.    

On top of the carefully orchestrated play that goes on at work, I also have a carefully orchestrated mental balancing act.  I felt mentally wonky today -- what I call a busy mind.  My brain seems to get ahead of my body and feels what only can be described as...  nervous.   I have to hide this and I have to take a lot of breaks for my body to catch up with my brain.  I am glad to be home.  I made it another day without a failure.  That is always a miracle in my book.   I want to climb the highest mountain and decree that there is recovery and there is hope from alcoholism and schizophrenia.  I am living proof.   I shy in saying that though for knocking on wood.  My ailments always lurk underneath that placid lake that is my calm and collected exterior.  

I will digress and say it does get easier.  Just today I heard rumors that my father is going to start giving me money again.  "Your Dad says he wants you to ask for the money.  You never ask anymore," Mom told me as she just ran by a Mrs. Edward's Lemon Meringue pie buying books at Krogers.   I am afraid to ask for being told no once more.   Could it be?  Could this long winter of doing without finally be coming to a close?  I can only hope.    

18 comments:

mosiacmind said...

I miss our emails friend. I am not trying to hassle you just letting you know.

amelia said...

Isn't he paying you to work???????

Andrew said...

Amelia,

He is saving it for essentials I need and is saving it to take me to the model railroad shop south of Atlanta.

Andrew said...

Mosaic,

I miss you, too. I quit checking ANY email months ago. I got paranoid by it and it got to be a hassle.

mago said...

Mrs. Edwards Pie? Who's Mrs. Edwards? And what is pie? I had some posts about breakfast lately ... is pie another breakfast thingy?

And by the way: Your model-railroad: Is that H0?

Andrew said...

Mago,

Mrs Edwards is a local brand of store bought pie. And yes, my railroad is HO.

Martha said...

"...there is recovery and there is hope from alcoholism and schizophrenia." That quote from you really stood out for me. I've spent eight years working in mental health, trying to convince everyone I know--staff and consumers alike--that there is hope. But I also believe that "recovery" is very personal and individualized for each person. I hope you find the recovery that will fit perfectly into your life and bring you to the place you want to be.

Cheryl said...

Hi Buddy!

Your life sure is changed around with work added to the routine. I've known you for a long time now and the new you is so different from the old. You've come so far! Do you miss the pre-work days of no responsibility? How many hours do you work a day? What do you want to buy when you get money from your father? Just some questions from me to you.

My sister says Kroger's carries flat iron steaks and that they're great. I can't find them here in MD. Do you have a grill?

I've been pre-occupied lately, but I think about you daily.

Barb said...

Andrew, I agree with Martha, saying, "there is hope" and I believe in you! You are handling work at the store with grace and ease, and I suspect you will get your groove on before long. Hang in there friend, I KNOW that there is hope for you!!

Gidyup!!!

B~

Leann said...

I am so proud of you Andrew!! Keep on plugging along and fighting the good fight. I think it's sad that your dad expects you to ask instead of just offering it, but I'm sure there is a reason for his madness.

Kelly Jene said...

Hey Andrew friend. I'm glad your sticking with the work - I hope it will get easier in time.

And hey, I'm hoping to be able to get one or two extra of my book so I'll have a copy ready when you can afford it!

Moonroot said...

So glad to hear things are going well for you. And it did my heart good to read of your kind treatment of the 'drug using looking lady'. You have such a good heart, Andrew.

justLacey said...

You are doing so well. I think everyone's life is a balancing act and even I have a "busy mind". During the day I can control it better, but a night sometimes it gets the better of me. Sounds like you are doing wonderfully at work and I think each successful step you make gives you more confidence. I bet you are even surprised at how well it's going. Keep up the good work.

Terri said...

Andrew; looks like you are doing great and I'm so glad you are working. Even though every day is a challenge you seem much better off now that you are working. This is very good to read.

Portia said...

You sound great. Just keep doing your best and try to be as forgiving of yourself as you are of others. I hope your mind allowed you some rest, and today is another good day!

DayDreamer said...

I love Mrs. Edward's lemon meringue pie. It is one of my favorites!

I am very proud of you. I know it is difficult,you try with everything you have inside you to overcome and that is very inspiring to me.

You can do this Andrew! I am sure of it. Just take it one step at a time. :)

Big Hug,
Michelle

DayDreamer said...

PS, Sorry I was signed into the wrong account. It's Alabamagal!

Tee said...

There is always hope! Just look at your progress. A year ago you had very little hope. As for the money, ASK you Dad. Love those Mrs. Edwards pies. lemon meringue is my favorite!