Monday, March 17, 2008

Inner Demons...

Joyce came over at lunch.  I fixed us some ham sandwiches and listened quietly as she talked.  She has just struggled so lately.  She emphatically replied that she had taken her medications, though.

"My mind seems to spin out of control," she told me. "I lose my grasp on reality."

I kind of felt like her psychiatrist as she talked.  Just nodding and saying, "yes" at opportune moments. 

I had woken up this morning struggling with my own inner demons.  I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to ask Joyce for five bucks.  I wanted to go get some Benadryl and sleep my day away not wanting to face it.  Joyce's own problems made me feel like a shill for thinking this.  Addictions can have such a sway over a rational mind.  

Joyce finally left and I felt so guiltily thankful for my own sane mind these days.  Unlike Joyce, my medications seem to be working.  I get bored and lonesome, but at least I am not struggling with mental illness these days.

They say the powers that be work in mysterious ways.  I found a 3mg Risperdal under the cushion of my Lazy Boy on a whimsical search.  I took it and hopefully will feel calmer in a few minutes.   I took it in the hopes that I will feel anything, but what is normal for me.  It is that old addictive personality rearing it's ugly head.    


impromptublogger said...

Awww Andrew I'm sorry that Joyce is doing so poorly again. It seems like she is one of those tough cases from whom meds only work so well. And whether she has the mental fortitude to fight it is another issue. I can imagine after years of fighting it that you would be feeling worn out and not up to fighting.

Yes, it is obvious you are luckier in that the meds do work for you. Wow - in 2 more days it'll be 4 months of sobriety!!!! You rock!

justLacey said...

Tell Mr. Addiction to take a hike! If you take only 3 or your Benadryl at night, you will have the rest if you need them during the day.

Sharyna said...

I am worried about your addiction to benedryl! I recovered (luckily) from an addiction to OTC nasel spray (twice). This is going to be harder when you get your money back! Stop now!


Portia said...

i am struggling to understand addiction right now, probably partly due to my friend recently passing away. i think of my family members, my blogging buds (including you), my friends and myself who all fight addictions of one kind or another and i really, REALLY want to understand. i think i could study for years and years and never find what i am looking for though. it is senseless. from where i sit i think you are doing great in your own fight and it gives me hope. just keep taking care of yourself, things will keep coming together.
i sure hope joyce feels better soon.

mosiacmind said...

I really agreed with the others wrote especially impromptblogger. it is SO great that you will have four months soon and what a grand way to celebrate the arrival of spring!

Marsha said...

If you're not feeling "calm" and need to search for pills, your medication ISN'T working well enough. You are fooling yourself if you think so.

You are addicted to benedryl. You have even said so yourself. You need help. Please talk to your doctor!

You don't need to spread the benedryl out to last the day, you need to STOP them. What are you going to do when the amount you take now isn't good enough??? You will beg borrow and, god forbid, steal, to get more!

You are doing so well with not drinking! 4 months. That's GREAT! Please don't substitute pills for beer. You will end up right back at square one. You've come to far to let that happen.

Dreamlight said...

Be careful about dropping your meds around the house because if Maggie eats it , she could be very ill.Benadryl will damage your kidneys if you continue to abuse it also. FYI