I realize this is self indulgent twaddle, but it is probably one of the most life changing and major decisions I will have made in years.
Astonishingly, county mental health just called a moment ago and they still have me scheduled to come in this Monday to get my disability turned over to a social worker as my representative payee. I was astounded. I thought the appointment had been canceled as it has been months since I've heard anything about it. This will cause a shit storm in my family, though. I got so nervous after the call that my hands and arms began to violently shake. I sat down in this chair and nervously smoked a cigarillo. I don't know what to do. What do I want to do? To go and get my disability changed so my father is no longer over it. Our relationship has been so much better lately, though, and I fear I will destroy all that. This is a definite case of catch-22.
Pros and Cons to my father having control of my disability...
- I always have Internet access.
- All my bills are paid.
- My car insurance is paid.
- I always have food.
- Dad takes care of any windfalls with my money.
- I never have any cash.
- I can't take Rosa out on dates.
- Dad will most likely make me start paying rent when I change to punish me. I don't know if I can afford it. I really don't have any earthly idea of how much money I have.
- Dad uses the money to control my life and my actions.
- Once given back to me in April, it could be taken away again on a whim. One beer and it is another year without.
- I can't just run to the store when I need something. I have to call Dad or Mom and wait on it. They grow tired of me asking -- resentful almost.
- I don't have any sense of independence.
- My own money is not mine in it's purest sense.