Lately, I've felt better than ever mentally. I am no longer morose or depressed. The paranoia is gone. I haven't had delusions in months. I do have what I call a busy mind. I can become easily overwhelmed with a lot going on. I am scared this will effect my job performance or my ability to work at all. My grandfather always said that the most important thing you can have is your health. He died at age 55 of a brain tumor. I believe him. I want my brain to be healthy.
I remember back to my younger and more virile days of my youth. I could do any job. And now a simple job at McDonald's has me worried and stymied. Rosa and I were eating supper as I asked, "What if I can't do it?" "Just quit," was Rosa's reply. "You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with." I want to do this though. I want a new computer. I want to be able to afford to get my license renewed. I don't want to have to call Mom and Dad every time I just need some cokes, cigarettes, or food. I am completely dependent upon them for my well being. I want to be a self-supporting man.
Oh well, I will know Monday night if I can do this or not. That will be the litmus test. If I can make it through that first third shift without a "busy mind" or my anxiety attacks, then I will have a major hurdle jumped. It is going to be an interesting ride and I can't wait to write about it Tuesday morning!