Tuesday, January 1, 2008

What a Strange Trip it has Been

"God, it's cold!" I exclaimed to Big S this morning.

Big S was bundled up in his hunter's overalls and a big heavy jacket. The wind was blowing something fierce and cut through you like shards of ice.

"I'm heading home," Big S told me. "I can't take this cold."

"See ya man," I replied as Big S shook my hand.

That left me alone down at the shopping center. I watched as people hurried inside the grocery store to escape the cold wind. It was going to get colder as the day progressed. I didn't stay long. I was hoping to get up something interesting to write.

I had a really broken sleep last night. Charlie came by to bring my medications and my Benadryl. He was in good spirits and brought along two twelve packs of Diet Coke. I love it when Charlie brings my medications as he always brings treats. Something my father would never do.

"Don't eat lunch tomorrow," Charlie told me. "I am bringing you a big plate of traditional New Year's southern fare."

That will give me something to look forward to today. Charlie's wife is a fantastic cook.

I've been thinking a lot about schizophrenia lately. I like to hide the fact that I have it. I guess I am ashamed. My latest symptoms have been a busy mind. I have trouble concentrating and focusing. My head seems to spin and I have to go lay down for an hour or two. I get back up and I am fine. This is much better than the paranoia though and the delusions. At least, I no longer believe delusionally that I am being followed and watched. I have to take it one day at a time like they do in A.A.

I've got A LOT of email from people urging me to go back to A.A. Without a car, my options are limited. The meeting hall is only a fifteen minute walk from my house, but they have really cut down their meetings times. We only have meetings on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. My local A.A. group is really struggling lately with membership. I also get embarrassed that I don't have a dollar to put in the donation basket at meeting's end. It embarrasses me supremely and makes me not want to go.


justLacey said...

AA isn't about collecting a dollar at the end. Get up and share your situation and I'm sure everyone will understand. My daughter used to bake cakes for her dad to take to his AA meetings so maybe you could do something like that. The fact that there are fewer meetings makes it easier for you to attend. Make it one of the things on your to do list on those days. The reason your chapter is struggling is because people don't attend. Go and sometimes take Rosa with you or even joyce when she comes home. It's not just for alcoholics, but the people that support their recovery and those that have loved ones not yet in recovery. It's a new year and a new day. You can do it and I believe you will.
I'm so glad you are feeing better lately. I know it makes a huge difference. Keep on working it, you are making positive changes a little at a time.

Summer said...

Lacey is right. Share what's going on in your life. I'd go with you if I lived close to you.

BTW, your giggling about my hippieness is making me giggle. It's contagious!

CJM-R said...

Sometimes we have to change our thoughts before we can make changes in our lives.

It is not about the money in the basket, it is about the fellowship.

When you have some money to give, you will give it.

You have so much to offer and so does AA!

It was great to read about you cooking for Rosa once again.
Happy New Year's Day,


Again, I agree with JustLacey..and I am hoping that you're eating a delicious New Years Day meal, and I can't wait to hear about it!


alyceclover said...

I share your feelings about passing around the hat for donations. It is embarrassing being the only one in a room with strangers that does no have a dollar to contribute. I was at a DA~Depression Anonymous group and told: This is your first day, but we do all chip in...

...I truly did not want share details about my financial situation. I was on food stamps at the time and would have gladly brought a can of coffee and goodies to the next meeting in lieu of the unofficial mandatory dues. Fellowship should be comfortable and non-demanding methinks.

Love Always Hopes said...


I just found your blog. I have not yet gotten a chance to read much yet. What has attracted me to it is that my husband is an alcoholic and we have recentely found out that he is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, even thought he doesn't know it.
About not going to meetings becuase of transportaion, well I have been going to meetings (Al-Anon)for 3 years and I don't know how to drive and I have a little one. Every week, multiple times a week, I pick up the phone and ask if someone would be willing to give me a ride, and usually I will get the first person I try and when I don't I just go down the list until I do. I have never missed a meeting because I couldn't get a ride. As for the basket, this is the disease of alcoholism, it takes all our money so I put in when I can and yes I have feelings but I know that I am not being judge and If I am then maybe those people should get their head in the big book and start working a program. Don't make excuse for not going, its when you don't feel like going when you need to go the most.

Good luck and I look forward to reading more of your blogs.

If you ever want to stop by mine feel free to.