Friday, January 11, 2008


I've felt so well lately.  It truly is a miracle. 

"How do you feel different?" Rosa just asked a moment ago when I was telling her about it.

"I feel happy.  I don't feel crazy.  Can I dare say 'normal'?" I replied. "I feel content with life."

Rosa smiled as she went back to watching the television.  I left her to come in here and write about it. 

I still struggle with the anxiety attacks, but they are few and far between.  I felt so well today that I got up the courage to pour out those three beers I have been hiding for a "special occasion."  The sickly sweet smell of fermented beverage made my stomach churn as the beers were emptied into my kitchen sink. I couldn't believe I could stomach that swill. 

Mom came by today with groceries and stayed a long time.  It was so good seeing her.

"What have you done today other than this?" I asked her.

"I laid in the bed," she replied. "I am terrible about doing that.  I lay in the bed all the time."

"You don't sleep?" I asked.

"No, I just lay there for hours."

I don't see how my mother does that.  I was trying to think today what mom was like when I was growing up.  It was a tumultuous time and mom was always doing crazy shit.  I tend to shut out all that and don't remember it well.  I never remember my mother being loving or comforting.  She was always manic, and screaming and hollering over something.  My father was gone all the time as all he did was work 12 hour days.  It is amazing I didn't turn out more screwed up than I already am.


Jenn said...

It's incredibly hard to be a mom. I can't imagine being a mom and mentally ill. Especially with a husband who was gone all the time.

justLacey said...

I agree with Jenn. I know sometimes I feel manic. i bet the meds weren't as good back then and they didn't know as much about treatment. Plus, you know your dad doesn't help the situation. Imagine being married to him.

Kelly Jene said...

Good for you for pouring those beers out! (( hugging from far away!)) I'm proud of you.

It must have been hard on your mom trying to raise kids and dealing with mental illness. Give her a big hug and love her more.

mosiacmind said...

I am glad that you are having a good day. It is amazing isn'it how life is so so much better when a person is sober who struggles with drinking and using drugs.

CJM-R said...

So good to hear that you are feeling so much better, and that you dumped that beer.

I feel for your mom,too, and for you kids. Life is difficult.

Glad to hear that Vocational rehab also called you back!

impromptublogger said...

Whoo-hoo! What a major achievement finally pouring those beers out! What a great symbolic gesture of being released from your prison of alcoholism.

As for your Mom, even the last 5 years have made great advances in meds for different kinds of mental illness. The current antidepressants are so much better than the older crop - like Paxil, Serzone, Prozac.

Cheryl said...

I'm so glad you've been well. It really shows in every post.

What did your mom bring for you today?

Summer said...

Car yet?

Barb said...

I wonder if you ever met a person that had a wonderful wonderful childhood? I'd guess that the bulk of us, wished for the same thing, enjoyed the same things, and feared the boogie man. Just different paths, is all.

Enjoy yours,

Dauragon said...

I just wanted to say that your blog is quite fascinating to read. It takes a lot of gusto to do what you are doing! Hope you continue to feel well for as long as possible.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I'm proud of you for pouring out the beer. Also very proud of the nearly 53 days of've got to be pretty dog gone proud of yourself too!!


great week-end

Tee said...

I'm so proud of you pouring out the beer! What a hurdle. My heart goes out to your Mom. It must have been an awful struggle raising her children and dealing with mental illness. You must love her back with all your heart. She did the best she could. Any more news on your car? Those guys need to hurry up and finish "processing" the evidence. How long could that take?

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

woooooo hooooo!
well done for the beers!!!

three cheers for andrew!

yeah you know it IS a miracle. i LOVE miracles. they are everywhere if you look for them. reality is a wonderful unfathomable, mysterious gift. full of mystery and magic. there is SO much opportunity to heal, hidden behind every leaf and branch. recovery is a wonderful experience. teaches us to see the infinite in the everyday, and makes everything open up in new ways. life is really opening up for you at the moment. thats for sure. this is a very exciting period. its wonderful to read about it on your blog! to see this transformation take place. amazing!