Saturday, December 29, 2007

A Train Kind of Morning...

It has been a quiet day.  Most of my morning was spent down at the train tracks and rail yard getting lost in taking pictures of trains and doing what I so love.  I so needed to get out of the house and that helped.  Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind to jump aboard a slow freight and set out on a journey, though!

Nearby was Ferret's old homeless campsite and I walked into the woods to look.  Faded beer cans still littered the ground and what was left of Ferret's tent sadly lay deflated and covered with leaves.  I have often thought of going camping down here, but the cold keeps me chased inside.  I used to be such a stalwart camper despite the elements.  I've gotten soft these days.  

Came home and read for hours about recovery.  I am bulimic, alcoholic, and schizophrenic.  There doesn't seem to be much hope for me alone and without rehab.  I can't afford rehab though and my parents have washed their hands of my diseases.  I feel hope though that I can recover.  I already do better than I have in years and wish my family realized this.  I still can't believe I've gone so long without a drink and I have some beer in the fridge.  Three cans of ice beer that would be equivalent to drinking a six pack of regular beer.  Yet, I don't drink it.  And I was about as heavy as a drinker as you can get.  Miracles happen every day I make it till bedtime sober.

One of the biggest helps with me dealing with my bulimia (which I never write about) is to eat small meals.  That stuffed feeling of eating too much makes me want to purge.  I eat my microwave meals in stages, digest some, and then eat some more.

The drinking? Oh well, I could write a book about that.  I am scared shitless these days to drink as I fear I will get those anxiety attacks.  The anxiety attacks were so bad that it scared the ever lovin' beJesus out of me.  I have never felt so physically scared and miserable in all my life than when gripped in the throes of one of those attacks.  


C.A. said...

Each day I come and read your posts and see your Sobriety Counter with it's numbers creeping higher and higher I grow more proud of you. :)

Ryan said...

CA is right, I feel proud of you too. Keep going!

And throw that beer away. :P

jrlmx2 said...

I'm proud of ya, too!

I agree - throw that beer away - it's just taking up space!

Miracles do continue to happen. There IS hope for your future. You've come a long way.

Why don't you post some of those photos you take?

Blue Gardenia said...

Andrew, I had a feeling you were taking your medicine and throwing them up as soon as your father left. I suppose that the shot of Risperdal is a good thing. I also hate psychiatric medicine but now, as the dogs of schizophrenia are howling, I am taking extra.

Mike said...

With hope, anything is possible.

I believe that the two most important elements for recovery are hope and medicine. You have both. You also have determination, self-awareness, and a big heart. It is wonderful how long you have gone without drinking. Just keep plugging away. I believe anything is possible for you, Andrew.

retardedrugrat said...

I have surfed on by your blog many times in recent weeks as I surf on blogexplosion.

As everyone else here has said, you have hope and determination, and the two together are a powerful combination.

To be so open about your problems too is very brave, especially in the blogosphere of today. I want you to know that I too have hopes of a recovery for you, and I'll be continuing to read as you continue to post.

Good Luck and a Happy New Year to you.

mosiacmind said...

I think what Mike said is so true...with hope and medications those two things go a long way in recovery. I also wanted to mention to you that with your check which I think is SSD for you right? You should be elgible for not only Medicare yet also Medicaid. I would recommed you trying to call both of thow places and then when you are set up with those than if you feel like you still want to pursue some treatment you would have options. I know that with where you live there are linited options perhaps seek information from other bigger citys. I was thinking how i think that if you got in a day program and would be there during the day and then at home or perhaps if it is a city where you do not live often times they will set people up like in apartments or group home for during those times.
I also want to say that I see that you are really really working hard on yourself.I know it is very hard to deal with mental illness and trying to stay sober and with an eating disorder too as you know I really do understand. I hope that today you have a really great day...and that you continue to do well at that and saying when you need more support from the blogging community. I also wanted to say 39 days is fantastic! I also am not you but even after not using for about 15 years I could not have beer in my fridge and not drink it...but also I am not you so you might be able to keep it to remind yourself at how well that you are doing. I care will eamil you later on friend.

nengaku said...


Ladyfriend said...

Dump the beers!

Sharyna said...

Donate the beers to Ferret. He is one who would appreciate them. I also thought that you might be throwing up your meds. Have you spoken to your doctor yet about lessening them (the meds)? Do you see a talk therapist? My shrink won't prescribe unless I'm talking to someone.