Monday, December 10, 2007

Things are not going well today...

I broke down crying a moment ago as I was lying, laying in the bed. This deep feeling of doom and dread overcame me. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't no matter how hard I tried. I just lay there feeling miserable.

"You could be homeless again," I told myself as I wiped the tears from my eyes trying to make myself feel better. I jumped up from the bed and began to furiously pace the floors in my house. I took a video, but thought it would scare people away of me furiously walking and talking to myself.

I don't feel well today. I feel restless and can't get contentment out of anything. I am just this being. Existing and taking up space and breathable air. I was watching my neighbor, Ed, rake Joyce's yard clear of pine straw a moment ago and I felt worthless and tired. He has worked all day just to help a neighbor. Ed is eighty years old and I am thirty-five and should be doing that for Joyce. It just added to the mental anguish I am experiencing today. I felt like a lump on a log.

"You could be homeless. You could be homeless. You could be homeless," I kept telling myself as I paced the floors in my home after trying to sleep. Reminding myself of that cold Christmas of 2003 I spent in a tent in God's country.

I can't get contentment out of the Internet. I can't concentrate on or read books. I can't watch any TV as my attention span is shot to hell from all these medications. I can barely listen to the radio. I just don't know what to do with myself. I need a job so badly it is pitiful. I am spinning my wheels here in Alabama with each day growing more withdrawn, secluded, and cut off from the world.

I started to brainstorm to have a house and car sale. I wanted to sell everything in my house to get up the money to move to Nashville to be homeless. There, I would have structure, The Rescue Mission is a very structured environment. I would probably have a better diet and more regular meals. I could find dozens of AA meetings to go to in the day. I wouldn't be so lonely. I would be forced to be around people and to not isolate like I am doing now. I know exactly what "The Homeless Guy" was feeling when he gave up his apartment to live homeless again. This loneliness can make you despondent.

C' est le vie! Such is life! Maybe I will feel better in the morning. I certainly feel better writing about it and it is better to write about it than to drink over it. I am just crazy as fuck and it amazes me people have befriended me on the Internet and read this blog. If they only knew what a de rigueur my days were then they wouldn't want to be my friend. One day, fine. The next day, crazy as hell. I hate mental illness. I do my best to hide it on this blog. I am just scared and lonely and feel horrible, and it makes for a cluster fuck of an embarrassing blog post.


mosiacmind said...

Hello Friend...I am blessed first off to call you friend...I am blessed by your sharing your struggles with mental illness and with drinking....I can relate to so much you wrote in this post! Really I can! I am " crazy as fuck" myself and am amazed that you and others have befriended me. I can relate to watching your older neighbor mom does more in a day than I do and she is 79! It bothers me much. I hope that your day gets better. I wish we lived closer so today being a good day for us to hang out together. Here is an idea and if you cannot do it but try hard to go to a meeting tonight..I am NOT trying to tell you what to do just am thinking even if you go and not talk it would get you out a bit. I am leaving home sometime soon but will check my email when I get back home. I do care.

mosiacmind said...

I find myself also in tears feeling your sadness all of the way to Ohio

Rhette said...

Make the video tape, it helped last time. No one is going to think anything about you. You can run all over the house with the video if you must but it helped last time. Just a suggestion.

I'm sorry you feel this way today. Happy then sad, maybe you got a bit overwhelmed by it all? It's okay to cry, you may feel great afterwards. It may relieve the stress.

Andrew, look at your tree, your dog, your home, you deserve to have the things you do, it's ok to feel this way on any day :)

Kirs ~

SOUL: said...

well ya know what andrew? you got a lot of guts to post this here. really. this says a lot about you . i can't tell you how many times i've wanted to throw up a rant like this, but didn't ... because---

"holy crap. what would they think."

ya know?

well... like you said... in your own way--- it'll pass. right? don't go selling everything in a hurry . it's damn cold out there. right now you have a really nice , warm place to live. and you do have friends here on the internet, you have a fantastic blog, which is a wonderful outlet for you when you need it... there's no glory, or happiness in being homeless. you know that. remember being cold and hungry, and dirty? don't forget those things.
and don't take for granted what you have now either.
take a walk, take some photos... make a meeting. whatever you need to do to get through this--- it'll pass, and you will be ok again.
take care .. k?
i'll check back later

Moonroot said...

I hope you soon feel better Andrew. Perhaps you could snuggle up with Maggie until you feel better?

justLacey said...

Oh Andrew everyone has those feelings sometimes. There are days when I think I may run out of here screaming. The same old thing every day. You aren't as crazy as you thnk and definately not as crazy as some. You can make your way in the world even though it isn't as you hoped. Some are just locked away in their own world.

cyotteeflower said...

Sweet J.,
Doggone it sweetie,I wanna give you big momma hugs and stroke your hair and kiss your cheeks.
My baby girl turned 35 yesterday. She has diabetes and is the widowed mom to 3.
She was feeling down and burst out crying and I just held her for the longest time.
Today she is feeling all better.
I am doing the same for you right now ,in our virtual world.

Much love,hugs, and tummy rubs to you and Maggie

amelia said...

At least you have us all here to spout off to!!! Sometimes just talking it out makes you feel better and we are all willing listeners!!!

J said...

I know what you mean about the anxiety and feeling like you're just existing..I go through stages of feeling like this. I wonder what the purpose of everything is, and nothing brings me joy.
Just like your darkness, mine will pass as well, only to return again when least expected.

Kelly Jene said...

I feel that way sometimes. I feel useless, even to my children. I feel inadequate.... a lot actually. We do understand and I will be your friend no matter how crazy as hell you are.


You inspire me!

Cheryl said...

I know your day got better. Did you walk? I need some purpose. You need more contact with others. Have you thought about going to a meeting? Even if it's just for the contact with others. I

The Little Woman and Hubby said...

Andrew, sorry you have had such a rough day. Perhaps starting back to AA meetings would inspire you to get up, shower, get dressed and ready for your meeting. It will get you Besides, you need to stay put, Maggie is depending on you, remember, she's that baby that never grows up. :-)


AlabamaGal said...

I am sorry you had a bad day. We all have days like that when we get down and it is hard to pick ourselves back up. I think life is full of highs and lows but you just try to rise above it and pull yourself back up the best way you know how when you reach a valley.

Please take some time to get through this low and the valley and once you are on the mountain again, you are going to be right there for Joyce like always. You are a very good friend to her and you don't have any reason to feel like a lump on a log.

You've got such a good heart and you're a beautiful person. We are blessed to have you as our blog friend. -Michelle