Life goes on as it normally does. You pick yourself up and dust off your knees. I've just tried to do some of the small things that make life more livable such as eat some Swedish meatballs and pasta. Drink a diet coke and smoke my fortieth cigarillo for the day. Putting on a clean shirt that didn't reek of body odor. Making my bed. Petting Maggie and making sure she had clean water and food.
A moment ago I sat at this computer and thought, "I want to blow my brains out!" I was that despondent. I shuddered at the thought, but realized that if I had a gun within easy reach, I probably would have pulled the trigger. Why? I felt life was at a dead end and I didn't want to suffer any more. My family could stuff me in a box and bury me, finally rid of what I think is a perpetual problem for them. I have suffered so deeply for years with just the basic, fundamental things regarding life. I have suffered in the institution of life in general. I have also struggled with this damn mental illness and my lack of basic life skills for decades.
It was then I felt better, though. I realized I would have lost everything. Things didn't seem to matter so much anymore. I couldn't go live homeless in Nashville as I have dreamed of for years now. I would never know if that life was any better. Maggie would be relegated to another home, away from the carefree life she now lives. I couldn't have that next cigarillo I so enjoy. I couldn't go camping in God's country this spring when the Whip-o-wills returned.
I realized too that our culture and basic society is mentally ill. These crazy notions of success that I so feel the need to emulate are of themselves crazy as well. Life is not some competition our capitalistic society aspires to. All these crazy social rules humanity belabors itself with, I can cast aside and often do on this blog. I don't need to be the next doctor of internal medicine to live a good life. I don't need to be next social hit of the party. I am kind, empathetic, compassionate, heartfelt -- all things that are much more important than some car in the driveway or some accomplishment at some business producing widgets. I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. Something my father or my family would never do. I realized then I had a choice to either go crazy trying to emulate modern life and what is considered success, or I could go my own path and mentally choose what I consider to be success. It was so freeing. And maybe today hasn't been all for naught. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
I feel better now and am just going to rest for the rest of the day. No more blogging from me today. I promise. I have already been teetering on the edge of sanity today and have written too much. It is time to rest -- to rest this weary mind and soul.