Thursday, December 27, 2007

There are no dead ends...

Life goes on as it normally does.  You pick yourself up and dust off your knees.  I've just tried to do some of the small things that make life more livable such as eat some Swedish meatballs and pasta.  Drink a diet coke and smoke my fortieth cigarillo for the day. Putting on a clean shirt that didn't reek of body odor. Making my bed.  Petting Maggie and making sure she had clean water and food.   

A moment ago I sat at this computer and thought, "I want to blow my brains out!"  I was that despondent.  I shuddered at the thought, but realized that if I had a gun within easy reach, I probably would have pulled the trigger.  Why?  I felt life was at a dead end and I didn't want to suffer any more.  My family could stuff me in a box and bury me, finally rid of what I think is a perpetual problem for them.  I have suffered so deeply for years with just the basic, fundamental things regarding life. I have suffered in the institution of life in general.  I have also struggled with this damn mental illness and my lack of basic life skills for decades. 

It was then I felt better, though.  I realized I would have lost everything.  Things didn't seem to matter so much anymore.  I couldn't go live homeless in Nashville as I have dreamed of for years now.  I would never know if that life was any better.  Maggie would be relegated to another home, away from the carefree life she now lives.  I couldn't have that next cigarillo I so enjoy.  I couldn't go camping in God's country this spring when the Whip-o-wills returned. 

I realized too that our culture and basic society is mentally ill.  These crazy notions of success that I so feel the need to emulate are of themselves crazy as well.  Life is not some competition our capitalistic society aspires to.  All these crazy social rules humanity belabors itself with, I can cast aside and often do on this blog.  I don't need to be the next doctor of internal medicine to live a good life. I don't need to be next social hit of the party.  I am kind, empathetic, compassionate, heartfelt -- all things that are much more important than some car in the driveway or some accomplishment at some business producing widgets.  I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need.  Something my father or my family would never do.  I realized then I had a choice to either go crazy trying to emulate modern life and what is considered success, or I could go my own path and mentally choose what I consider to be success.  It was so freeing.   And maybe today hasn't been all for naught.  Maybe there is hope for me yet.   

I feel better now and am just going to rest for the rest of the day.  No more blogging from me today.  I promise.  I have already been teetering on the edge of sanity today and have written too much.  It is time to rest -- to rest this weary mind and soul.     


KYRIE said...

I am glad you are feeling better right now.
And u are so right about the screwed way society views success. I am proud to have met and befriend such a kind and compassionate guy like u. You are a special person, don't ever forget tht. U have made so many differences in so many of ur friends lives. Dont forget tht!
Take care and rest well today.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Everything and anything is possible.... to be free of the social expectations, material expectations that we are taught to follow.... then life truly begins.

If this were your only post for the day.... it would have been enough.

Well written. Well Thought.

nengaku said...

I hope you let your shrink know about your suicidal thoughts today.
I'm awful glad you didn't have a gun around.

Leah Friedman said...

I am so sorry your having such a difficult time. While reading your posts I noticed you did not mention taking a drink. With your sobriety so new and fragile you should be proud of yourself for not going in that direction. Praying for you from the other side of the world.

Ally0005 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ally0005 said...

Don't think these kinds of people are happy, they are not. Trust me you have more than all these people put together.

" I don't need to be the next doctor of internal medicine to live a good life. I don't need to be next social hit of the party. much more important than some car in the driveway or some accomplishment at some business producing widgets."

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Eckhart Tolle says some very similar things in his book the power of now.
Deep disillusionment with material values an outward 'status' objects can be the source of a powerful awakening to what life is REALLY all about.
You would love his books.

mosiacmind said...

YOU do have do msny wonderful traits about youself...understand life much much more than other people who consider themselves "normal'...i think many of us people who struggle are much much more together than people who do not..I also have expereinced the rapid thougts of thinking being from one extreme to the other. i find myself in a better space when i accept myself for who i am and if people who have not walked in my shoes or yours or many others do not know what it is like...........

hensteeth said...

Hope is taking that next step forward. One. Any type, any size.

I am glad you embraced hope today, Andrew.

samscaddie said...

I read this blog every day; i never made a comment till today. NENGAKU, if i went to a shrink every time i felt like blowing my brains out i'd have to pitch a tent outside the shrinks office. I have a stressful job, lots of people say the same thing. Andrew can make that comment like we all do, give the guy a break, eh?
Don't kick a man when he's down