Monday, December 24, 2007

Staying Home

"Dad," I said weakly over the phone a moment ago. "I can't make it tonight."

My father was busy in the kitchen preparing our Christmas Eve dinner.  A large gathering of family friends had arrived.  I could hear them happily bantering in the background over the phone.  

"What's wrong?  You haven't been drinking, have you?"

"No.  I just have that twinge in my stomach meaning an anxiety attack is about to occur.  I am so nervous. I feel terrible."

"You stay home and rest," he replied.

"You sure?" I asked.

"We just want you to have a Merry Christmas," was his reply. "I will be over later with your medications, presents and a dinner plate."

"Thank you! And I love you!" I closed, feeling a wave of relief washing over me. 

To think, my brother and family flew all the way from San Diego to be with my family, and I can't even drive across town.  I know my family thinks I am so crazy.  I really wish I wasn't so limited by my mental illness.  It is a fight I have to keep fighting.  I am determined to have a normal life someday!

So, it is going to be just me and Maggie this Christmas.  I will fill my time reading blogs and reading about everyone else's Christmas.  I am sort of relieved.  I have been a terribly anxious mess thinking about it all day, nervously blogging off and on like a madman.  I think this is for the best.  I hope you all have a blessed and Merry Christmas, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  The friendships this blog has garnered will be ones I will hold dear for many years to come I hope.  Happy Holidays and give a present with love!


Blue Gardenia said...

You are my second friend with MI issues that will be staying.home. I will be too, for 2 days except for a sortie to church where I have to get up and read in front 150-200 people. Once that is over I will home and watching over my flock by night.

2sunset said...

Merry Christmas! Its good to see someone doing exactly what they need to do for themselves at Christmas time.
*you are chillin*
Please feel free to read some of my blog posts. No one has ever commented, and I would love it if they did.
cheers 2 U.

mosiacmind said...

Merry Christmas dear friend....I am happy that you are choosing to do what you need to do to take care of you. I can relate...I did get a bit of panic driving to where my s and bil live. I did alright...I am glad to be back home. I know we as humans who struggle with mi's holidays can be real tough...I know it is a mixed bag for me going. I know that you might be sad but I think that your family will see that you are taking care of yourself.I do care as you know...........

M said...

Merry Christmas, sweetheart!

I was buying sticker books for a friend's children and I saw a train sticker book. Now, I am not saying that you are child-like in anyway. But this sticker books was awesome. It had really detailed train pictures in it and I thought of you! Heck, I almost bought it for myself because it was so cool.

STACY'S TRIP said...

I cancelled my plans too and opted to stay in.....just didn't want to go anywhere. God bless you my friend. Merry Christmas

agent wife said...

Thank you for your merry christmas and may your evening be filled with peace and inner warmth, knowing that you are loved by many- no matter how it all turns out. Merry Christmas to you too.

mago said...

Hei, 34 days and counting. That IS good!
So they all are there ... fine than ... it's in the middle of the night here, I'm done with all the people, the stress should pass, all I can say is that I wish you the moment of relaxation I am feeling now ... you know "Astral Weeks"? A little like that without the dope ...
Andrew, just swallow that pills, have a tea and forget the anxiety - that is all I wish for you now ... peace man, it's christmas you know ...

Summer said...

I seem to be doing something wrong with my comments.

Don't worry about not wanting to be around a large crowd tonight. That is the last thing I'd want to be doing for sure.

Merry Christmas to you and your Maggie. Take care of the two of you.

What you did for your friends today was way cool. Bless you.

Sweet dreams.


AlabamaGal said...

I woke up early, we had breakfast with my parents, I made three pies and then went to sleep for a while. I was so tired. Then I took a shower and got ready to go to my Aunt Elizabeth's for the Christmas eve party. We exchange gifts but we set a limit and women by women gifts and men buy men gifts, then we play dirty santa. I did not steal anybody's gift and nobody stole mine which I was happy about. I got a basket full of shower and bath items. I like the basket it is lined and I am going to use it for my crochet projects. Like most women, I love the shower stuff too. :)

I hope you are having a good Christmas and just enjoying your beautiful tree and the coziness of your house. I want to just relax tomorrow at home too. No plans to go out but just sit back and enjoy home and Christmas music. I am going to miss Christmas music after tomorrow!!!

I am so thankful Armando found your blog and told me about it. Now I am a dedicated reader of yours. Thanks for being my blog friend. It means a lot to me.

I like the vocational rehab idea for you. I was thinking about the same thing the other day. When I get home from the Chile trip I will check with voc rehab and see if they can help me with sharpening skills for doing medical transcription. (Long story, but I went there last year and the person that was supposedly waiting on my medical records was not really moving my case along and I got a call from his replacement recently saying he had since retired and I needed to evaluated for their services.) Apparently, I was not really evaluated last time even though I did testing and a typing test?? I guess I understand why he has "retired". Hey, Maybe we will both have good results and be training and doing college at the same time. We can be a good computer support team for one another.

Ho! Ho! Hooooo! Merry Christmas Andrew and Maggie. :)
Big hug,

Mike said...

Andrew, social gatherings are difficult to deal with- I’m glad you were able to do what is best for you tonight, and I’m happy your father honored your choice. I hope you are having a peaceful evening.

And thank you for your wonderful blog that so often brightens my day. Have a very Merry Christmas!

darla said...

Merry, merry Christmas!

KYRIE said...

Merry Christmas!!! Hope u enjoyed ur dinner plate.
I am sure your brother understands.
Have a joyous Christmas and I am thankful to have met u through this wonderful blog!

Ur friend,
P Kyrie

Cheryl said...

You were so worried, and the night turned out fine. I'm so happy. I'll be talking to you in the 'real AM'. Merry Christmas dear friend.

Ellie said...

I'm sure that everyone in your family will be thinking dearly about you on Christmas! You sure do mean a lot to them! I hope you know that! You are such and awesome person! Have a perfect little holiday! Sometimes, the simpler...the better!!

Eric said...

Merry Christmas!
I trust you have a blessed day, and Maggie too.

Jane said...

Merry Christmas!

EE said...

Merry Christmas, Andrew!

Anonymous Boxer said...

Christmas is where you need and want to be... I'm glad you were honest and told your Father what you needed. Merry Christmas!!

Kevin said...

hey Andrew, this is the first time i've posted on your blog. i've read your blog for quite a while it seems. i believe i started somewhere back in 2006. anyways, to get to my point..i think you should perhaps try to go see your family tomorrow even if its just for a little while. you should always do what makes you happy though so i don't want to come off like i'm TELLING you or something. its just my advice. christmas is a rough holiday to spend alone. i know what the anxiety bit is like with family, but what if you have one special moment where everything feels good? wouldn't that make up for some of those anxious feelings? anyway, again Andrew, just my opinion please please please don't be offended and i really enjoy your blog..don't quit..your not just some show that i read. i enjoy reading things that are "real" and you are very real. i hope you have a very merry christmas and i wish you the best.


Kevin W.

simonsays said...

I'm happy that you were able to spend your holiday the way that made you feel the happiest. And this way, Maggie wasn't lonely---

Have a great Christmas day today, too Andrew. I honestly hope that you got at least a few flakes of snow... Jamie

Summer said...

It's Christmas!

madamspud169 said...

I hope your Christmas went well and you had a few cigarillos and diet cokes to keep you company.
I hope you enjoyed your Christmas meal and hopefully your brother came to see you at your house as that would be so much more comfortable to you.

I don't think anyone without a mental illness can really understand what life is like with one but it seems that your family try their very best.

I hope you have a lovely rest of the year and that 2008 is even better.

You never know you may end up surprising us all

Love Mandi

Morgan W. Brown said...

I spent Christmas Eve quietly house/pet sitting in the boonies of Vermont and will most likely spend Christmas Day here as well. Had given thought to attending a free community Christmas dinner being held at noon in a neighboring city about a 20 minute drive away, but am not sure I am really up to it for various reasons and thus might end up simply staying put. There is never anything neither sad or bad about doing what is best for oneself when it comes to such matters, particularly when one can derive some level of peace of mind and spirit from it, at least if one allows for such. Merry Christmas!

nengaku said...

sarina and i are cuddling here enjoying a quiet christmas morning and wishing you and maggie the same.and all the other critters say peep, squawk, meow, and baaaaaaa.
peace brother

Tee said...

MERRY CHRITMAS! I hope your day will be peaceful for you. We have been going non-stop for the past week and truthfully, I'm tired, and would love to stay home today, build a huge fire in the fireplace, sit back and read and relax.

Andrew, you blog has truly been a bright spot for many, many readers. I hope you will continue.

Did your brother come over and visit? What a blessing for you--your new home and little Maggie.