Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Spreading the Largesse...

"Here," I said to Big S a moment ago as I handed him a five dollar bill. "This is to pay you back for all the money I have borrowed these past few weeks."

Big S grinned furiously and stuffed the five dollars down the bib of his blue overalls.

"Snow, Saturday," I then said, drinking my free coffee from the employee's lounge of the grocery store.

"You actually want it to snow, don't you?" Big S said looking pained. "It will just be a big mess and besides... I am enjoying this warm weather."

I chuckled and lit up another cigarillo. I splurged today and bought some premium cigarillos and there is just no comparison of the taste when compared to the cheap ones I usually smoke. The tobacco is moist and extremely pungent in these premium little cigars. I also bought a pack of extremely expensive Marlboro Lights, my favorite cigarette.

Ferret soon came walking up to sit with us. He clasped my hand, giving it a good shake. I studied him carefully for signs of that old scourge, alcoholism. His eyes had a yellow, jaundiced tinge to them that is characteristic of African Americans when they have been drinking heavily. A tell tale sign I knew all too well from hanging around George all those years.

"You still sleeping in that garage?" I asked after he had sat down.

"Yeah," Ferret said. "The owner is the biggest crackhead though. There is always some crazy shit going down at that house. The police have been by twice this week."

I thanked my lucky stars that my home life is calm, quiet, and serene. I can walk away from these interesting characters down at the shopping center and put it behind me if I so choose. Ferret doesn't really have a choice. Only a crackhead would be so jaded and forgiving as to let you sleep in their heated garage rent free.

I then watched carefully as Ferret pulled a bottle of cheap Thunderbird wine out of his backpack. He unscrewed the cap and took a long drink followed by a hearty sigh. My old alcoholic urges started to well up within me. "One drink won't hurt," the lesser angels of my better nature told me. "You have money and can go get a bottle of Southern Comfort. Drive off to the country and camp for a few days. Go ahead. It's your destiny. You deserve a good drunk. It is Christmas time."

It was then that I abruptly stood up and began the short walk home.

"Where are you going?" Ferret asked.

"Home," I replied. "Home where it is safe."

Ferret and Big S both looked stymied. As I walked home, I popped four Benadryl and drank the rest of my cola. The pills hit about the time I walked through the front door of my home. A comforting calm enveloped me. I realized I was going to be okay. One day at a time as they say in AA, and I only have 10 hours left until the comforting embrace of sleep takes away the urge to drink.


Le Fleur said...

God, we are so different, I hate sleep. I always say that I could get so much more done if only I didn't have to sleep, but I guess that's because I'm usually so busy. Anyhow, you've been sorely missed over at my journal, I'll be praying for you.

mosiacmind said...

I was reading the last few posts and was thinking a few are such a good friend to know how to read peopple and you care so much...and you are taking GREAT care of yourself!!!! These are all REALLY GREAT THINGS! I even thought in the future perhaps you can volunteer or work with other people like us who struggle with mental illnesses.

Debbie said...

way to go Andrew! you did the right thing in getting out of there/

Anonymous Boxer said...

I am impressed.

Kelly Jene said...

I'm glad you left. Four benedryl sounds like an awful lot. Is that safe for you?

Marlboro lights.. ah I remember the days. That was my favorite too. I was a smoker for many many years. I quit almost 3 years ago.

Take care friend and I hope you are feeling better.

Portia said...

I have a similar train of thought...trying to quit smoking and what do you think I want to reward myself with? A dang cigarette. I'm glad you walked away as soon as you felt that drinkin urge start coming around.
I'm pretty sure anyone who has a poorly functioning liver is subject to jaundice as well. I'm glad you are not at that point.
Enjoy your cigarillos, cigarettes and deserve them:)

Josie Two Shoes said...

I'm so glad you knew when to walk away,Andrew, that's a victory to celebrate! I know it was nice to be able to treat your friend and yourself a little bit too! :-)

impromptublogger said...

Just think - only 6 more days and it's 4 weeks! Wow - 4 Benadryl. I'd literally be unconscious with that amount and they'd have to probably pump my stomach so I don't OD. It does sound like you're building up a tolerance.

I'm sorry about your friend Joyce but I am betting it's that darn insurance that keeps kicking her out of the hospital when she really needs to be in there for a very long stay.

I hope you get some snow!

mago said...

22 days - don't throw it away.
Sorry for Joyce. Hope she'll get better.
Pictures of a hike?

for a different kind of girl said...

I've been popping in to read you here and there since your nice visit to my blog recently, so I'm just getting to know your story, but I want to chime in and say how committed to yourself you must be to have recognized the point where it was best to say your farewells. I can't imagine to know what you're going through in making the changes you are, but your strength in doing so is admirable.

Ladyfriend said...

Go buy 100 bucks worth of groceries and get rid of that money! Or go buy a really nice shirt! :)

The Little Woman and Hubby said...

You did the right thing when you walked away from the temptation to drink! GREAT decision! Did you go grocery shopping yet? If I took four Benadryl my heart would be pounding out of my chest. Those things rev me up and I can't sleep.


Beautifully Profound said...


abbagirl74 said...

'George and the gang are coming by for a housewarming party bringing plenty of cold beer and the makings of a poker game.'

What's going on? Do you seriously want to throw 22 days down the drain? Dig deeper Andrew. I know you have the strength to do this. Don't give up on yourself. Please, I am begging you.

simonsays said...

Good job, good job.

You have alot of folks smiling tonight.

AlabamaGal said...

I am glad you resisted the temptation. Way to go!
Why don't you treat yourself to a steak to celebrate with part of that money?


Cheryl said...

I read Abbagirls's comment, and you must have taken down that post. What an amazing thing to find that money. Any clue as to when that bed was last opened? I hope you prove your doubters wrong, mainly your father, and don't use the money for alcohol. You've got 23 good sober days behind you. Stock up on the things you've been craving. Groceries, smokes, soda, etc... Follow that inner angel that's telling you to be good. Try your best to continue to walk away from unhealthy situations. I don't usually give advice, because you never ask for it, so I hope I haven't offended you today.

I'm in bed, trying to rest. It's time for coffee.

Shore said...

Stay clear of George and the gang. I know you think they're amusing and entertaining, but if you want to stay sober you need to hang out with sober people. Word.


23 days! Good for your strength my dear Mr 4th!!