It all seems so odd to me. To be sober on Christmas. Holidays were always the best excuse to imbibe. There have been many Christmases that I was too wasted on Xanax or booze to even remember. Christmas before last, I snuck in to my father's bathroom and took maybe ten or more Xanax. Probably even more than that. I don't even remember walking home. I was zonked.
I would think it felt so good though. The only time I felt normal was to be plastered out of my gourd. Life has changed drastically since last year. I can no longer drink. I have found the number one cause of my anxiety attacks is to be the withdrawal from drinking the next day. They are absolutely horrible. I can honestly say today that I don't want to drink. I have five dollars to my name and that would buy two big bottles of Equate mouthwash. Enough to get totally blasted. I vaguely remember drinking mouthwash last Christmas as well and popping pain pills I took out of my mother's medicine cabinet. She never missed them. All I remember from last Christmas was my father's best friend coming over to scold me for going into my parent's house when they were in San Diego. I doubt I even wrote about it on this blog. I was always having to hide my addictions, and not very successfully mind you.
I have big plans to go to an AA meeting for Christmas tonight. As they always say in AA, "Us drunks have to stick together or else we will die alone." I have hopes many of my old AA friends will be there with opened arms, welcoming me back into the fold. I can think of no better way to end a Christmas than at AA and sober. I've got to start working my program. A New Year is a good time to start. Merry Christmas everyone.