Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Signs of the Times

I should have known. My primary medication for my schizophrenia had run out thus my emotional outburst yesterday. I go this morning to get my injection in the old posterior. I have been struggling so deeply with the idea that I am not schizophrenic, though. I don't want to be labeled and want to be normal. I want to be just like your average working Joe.

"Don't forget your shot," my father said, calling me bright and early this morning at 6:45 A.M.

"Blurggg!" I muttered, still half asleep.

"I'll have you some sausage biscuits and coffee waiting on you when you get back to the store," he said. "A good breakfast will do you good."

Hunger spurred me out of the bed to take a shower and get dressed. Now, I am sitting here waiting for this last hour to pass when the time arrives for me to drive down to the pharmacy.

I like to think I am not schizophrenic or mentally ill, but the truth comes roaring back in full force when my medications run out. It can cause me to grow very morose and depressed if I dwell on it. A well mind is such a precious thing that I think most people take for granted. I just want a string of pleasantly un-symptomatic days. That's all I want for Christmas now. It could be worse. Forty years ago they little to no medications for this ailment. Lengthy, sometimes lifelong, hospital stays were the norm along with dubious electro-shock therapy sessions -- kind of like a crazy man's electric chair. Count your blessings, Andrew!


mosiacmind said...

I hope that your time with your dad today goes well. I did not think about it being time for your shot but that makes sense for sure with all that you have been feeling and thinking. Gracie and I are early birdies this a.m. because I had to dry some clothes so I can have clean and warm clothing today since I have an appointment at COVA today

M said...

Hi Andrew

A well mind is precious. I would only hope that you give yourself credit for what is well and good about you! There is much there for you to be proud of.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Good Morning Andrew! Schizophrenia is a disease you may have to live with, but it certainly doesn't define who and what you are - you are SO MUCH more than that! You have a bright mind and a great big heart! We all have things in our lives we wish we didn't have to deal with, and we all have our ups and downs. I wish you didn't have to struggle with this either, but yes, you do have blessings to count, and in your honesty and openness have also taught many of us so much about this disease. I thank you for that awareness, and even more so for your friendship! Enjoy that breakfast and resolve to have a good day!

glittergirl said...

also, think of a diabetic person. are they angry with themselves for not producing enough insulin? so why be angry at your brain for a chemical imbalance?

i think there's a way to make peace with one's mental illness. and the first step is not fighting it. accepting it, while not letting it define you. imagine if you stopped "fighting" the diagnosis? how much free time you'd have to work on improving things in your life. you're obviously already very motivated to make things better, imagine the time and energy put towards fighting diagnosis and medication now free.

i don't blame you for "fighting" the diagnosis. there is a huge stigma in this country around mental illness. the attitude is generally, "ah, cheer up! you'll be fine!" as if we who battle mental illness could somehow make it "go away", if only we were better or stronger.

so we wind up feeling like failures, because we can't wish it away....

if there's some way to make peace with a mental illness diagnosis, that's where the real opportunity is to make things better.

justLacey said...

Your shot just helps your mind to function better. You are lucky in that fact. For some there is no help. I'm glad that you will feel more yourself today. Everyone needs help in some aspect of their life, you are not abnormal.

Kelly Jene said...

I am on daily medication and I can't help but be grateful for it. Otherwise, my life would be physically miserable. I wish I didn't have to take it, but I know what life was like before, so I'm okay with it.

I'm glad you will be feeling better!


I hate to tell you this, but I spilt the diet coke out of my mouth when I read what your first words of the day were: "BLURrggggggggg"...I don't know why, but that just tickled the fancy..

You are blessed and it's awesome that you can see that..but it's okay to have the rough days because it makes you appreciate the good days.