Shoulders sagging. Head held low. That is how I felt and looked this afternoon. I call it the schlumpfs. When I get like this, writing brings me out of it along with drinking lots of soda and smoking those little cherry hinted cigarillos. I've been thinking tonight of something positive to do tomorrow -- just trying to think of positives period. I've got to get out of this house and out of these funks. I'm going stir crazy. Social anxiety gets progressively worse the more you are mired in it.
Tomorrow, I will drive the short drive down to the local county library and offer my volunteer services. You all think of me during this and encourage me. I am more likely to do it by writing about it publicly on this blog. It is not easy due to my social anxieties to do this. It is far safer to stay at home and spin my wheels. I've got to get some structure in my life, though -- a reason to shower everyday and to live on a more normal schedule. I know it will get old after awhile and I will probably grow tired of it. I just hope I have the foresight to realize this and work through it. I've got to nurture some kind of self discipline I have lacked throughout my entire adult life. Wish me well and I will see you on the flip side of tonight.
Little Joys for Tonight
- Maggie has brought me immeasurable joy chasing her various imagined demons and n'er do wells that go bump in the night on this warm December evening.
- I will get my Benadryl at 9:30 P.M. EST tonight. I will feel so relaxed and will sleep like a baby.
- My friend, Mosaic Mind, gets it and understands me more than anybody I have found online journaling. I just wished she lived closer. Our relationship has been a volley of emails and blog posts shared with each other. All dear to me.
- My family for buying me this home and my car. I sometimes get down about how controlling they are, but they really want only what is best for me. It would be easier for them to walk away and forget about me. My life would also be far more complicated and convoluted materially without them.