I ended up spending the night at Rosa's last night. It was a spur of the moment thing. Nothing happened. I slept on the couch and slept damn well. I just couldn't bear to be alone last night. This morning Rosa fixed breakfast and we sat in her kitchen talking.
"What do you do to give yourself a pep talk?" she asked, worried about me.
"I tell myself I should be glad I'm not in prison," I replied, shoveling food in my mouth. "I think of Prison Pete and what he has to go through. It makes me feel better. I try to think of the worst case scenario that could be my life."
We sat eating our eggs and cheese toast. It felt wonderful to be with someone who cares. I've missed Rosa and our candid conversations. My family can be so harsh with me these days. As if they no longer care. I really think my family has given up on me.
"What do you do?" I then asked Rosa.
"Beating my crack addiction was the biggest gift I could ever have," she said. "I think of what my life was like before that and it makes me feel better. Turning tricks for money. Sleeping with strange men in seedy hotel rooms. It all seems like a nightmare I have woke up from."
I shuddered at the thought. I have such an addictive personality that I could never beat crack. I tried it once, but it just didn't do anything for me. I am so glad it didn't. I so admire Rosa for what she has gone through and overcome.
I left Rosa's house and walked home early this morning. Storms had come through overnight and the world looked new, and was wet and sparkling from the rain. I continued to think of Prison Pete as I walked home. Just imagine being in prison for 15 years. Think of having to start over once you get out. Finding a job, a home, or a car. I am way ahead of the ball game. I have all those things except for the car and a job.
Also, when I get to feeling down I read The Homeless Guy's blog. It reminds me of what I have and how lucky I am. Although I fantasize about living homeless in Nashville, I realize that life is fraught with danger and inconvenience.