Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Rash Ramblings

I feel terrible.  I had so many plans upcoming that involved my now stolen car.  Vocational Rehabilitation was on the top of the list.  It is a lengthy drive every day now that I know where to go to in Opelika, Alabama.  Things like my car being stolen make me want to give up.  To live homeless.  Nothing to take then. I know my parent's are not going to help me get around.  They all think I will drink and drive in their cars.   

I went to bed depressed a moment ago, but couldn't sleep.  I kept thinking I was going to get up two hundred dollars and buy a bus ticket to Nashville so as to live homeless.   To live on the streets and then I wouldn't be so lonely, always being around people in the Rescue Mission and about town.  I feel so defeated.  I feel violated.   I feel abused.  I feel rash and that is not a good thing. 

Dreams of putting a sign on my lawn and saying everything is for sale crossed my mind.  A house sale of sorts.  Surely, I can get up two hundred dollars then.  I grow so tired of this life and it's complications that I don't know where to turn.  It is always something.  It seems like the cards are always stacked against me. 

The insurance company called me and said I didn't have comprehensive coverage.  I only had partial coverage and they wouldn't cover me for the car getting stolen.  No rental car.  No nothing.  That didn't help my frame of mind any.   I don't know what to do.  I live in a little small town in the South without any public transportation.   I now have no way of getting around without walking.  I will never be able to get a job without a car here.   

Forget all my previous plans.  I am going to now pour myself into getting to Nashville in the next few weeks.  I am going to get lost in the "system."  Hopefully, the anxiety attacks, my biggest worry, will hold off until I get settled.  I can't imagine them without have a bed to lie down in.  I started to have one a moment ago as my father berated me on the phone for my car getting stolen.  I had to lie down to feel better -- to stave off the attack.

The blog is going to fall silent I think.  I am going to pour all my efforts into raising the money to get the hell out of Dodge.  I've written about all there is to write and will only obsess over being homeless from now on.  I am sure some of you don't want to read that!  I will continue writing when I get settled in Nashville in my new "home."  It will be a new chapter in my life and I will chronicle the tales of the voluntary homeless.   Something I have only seen written about sparingly.  Good day!  

PS -- I will be putting my blogging computer and camera up for sale in the next day or so.  I will let you all, my blog readers, have first dibs on these items.  Both are spectacular items for the price I will be selling them for.       


Summer said...

I know you're feeling violated. So was I after having TYM's gifts and my camera taken before Christmas. Please try not to let it get you down. That's all I'll ask of you.

I'm thinking of you and will hold you close in my heart.

lynn said...

You'll be ok don't throw all of your progress to the wind. Calm down, don't quit now.

GasDoc said...

I have been reading your blog for quite some time now...I am sorry to hear that your car was stolen. It is always sad when someone does it to us, but I think you should not throw away your new life resolutions, because in the end everything will be fine...and please don't stop writing..I really love your blog!
Good luck and all the best
Happy New Year 2008

Amy Barry said...

Saying a prayer that things will turn around for you and that you will have a better end to the year than this!

anonymous said...

The train wreck is now happening. I'm sure Maggie is going to love living in a Rescue Mission. You sir are absolutely insane.

mosiacmind said...

I am so sorry that this is happening to you! I know that I will miss you via your blog and emails if you do decide for sure to move away! I will be worried for your safety and such. I also will and am concerned about your not drinking or using now and if you move away. I have never been homeless but do know that there is typical for a group of people who become like a family. Why Nashville? I am curious...I hope that you think it over more...I hope that you go to a meeting or two and talk about this whole issue. I hope that you change your mind but as a adult you have the right to make your own decisions.

the baron said...

Hi Andrew, I came across your blog thru a random search on blogger a while ago. I have a blog too. I enjoy reading your blog, & have it bookmarked.
Don't go homeless. Think about Maggie & how she depends on you.
You'll get another car. Things just look grim right now.
hang in there dude.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Don't make important life decision while you are freaked out with anxiety.
wait for the dust to settle some. phone aa and ask can you get a lift to a meeting. talk about whats happening during the meeting or at coffee after.
just dont sit at home isolating breeding doom and gloom nine to the dozen.
talk about it in meetings first. NOT to your family. (because they do your head in). talk to another alcoholic about it.
you can never be alone with aa. meetings are everywhere, and we help ourselves by trying to be there (very imperfectly) for the next suffering alcoholic. Doesnt say 'except for Andrew' does it?
Well then.
Bring your body and your mind will follow.

Berryvox said...

Oh, no! Burglaries do occur more often during holidays. Thieves know people are less likely to be home. It definitely sucks to be without a car in the country or a small town though. In my 20's, I lived in the country in Oregon and didn't drive. It was impossible to find a job I could actually get to. A bicycle might've worked but I wasn't used to riding then and probably would've nearly died my first time out. And bicycles just don't work well in the winter in Oregon. :-p

I won't say much about the homelessness thing since I'm sure you'll get 20 million pieces of advice and criticism from other people. :-p

Me said...

You are not really thinking with your head, but going with your emotions. Been there myself. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. But, remember... you have little Maggie. She depends on you and could not tolerate living on the street.

I have pups and cats. Many times, that is the ONLY thing that keeps me from hitting the road myself.

Just hold off and think about it for a few days.

jrlmx2 said...

ANDREW! Don't give up now! It's normal to feel violated after an experience like you just had- you've been violated. You were intruded upon! You've been doing SO well, don't quit now. Hang in there, buddy. Maggie doesn't want to be homeless. Take care of her. You've come so far. You can do this, too. You have a good support system around you- use it! Of course your father and certain other people are going to react that way. They feel violated, too. Choose your 'friends' carefully now, and don't listen to the junk. Andrew, don't give up now.