Thursday, December 27, 2007

Pinnacles of Perfection and Imperfection

I can grow so jealous of my father.  He seems the pinnacle of perfection.  He's wealthy.  He's fiercely independent.  He's mentally competent.  He has a nice home and plenty of cars.  He has a successful business.  He is an accomplished diplomat and community figure.  He has two children that are doctors of internal medicine. He has a vivid and outgoing social life.   He takes care of all my mother's needs. He makes it all look so easy.  I am jealous of that and the aplomb with which he seems to live his life.

Fundamentally, something was always amiss with me.  I could never think of the future or of consequences.  I was aloof in social situations.  I bumbled through life like a bull in a china shop.  I could never think of a job as a way to support myself.  I always worked because it was socially acceptable.  It was expected of me.  I could never see it as an end to a means.   My family didn't help by always bailing me out of adverse situations.  I never learned how to handle life on it's own merits.  This has left me an adult child.  It is left me unsure of how to live or why -- the most fundamental of life's reasons.   

Now, the little things are escaping me.  For example, I awoke at 8:00 AM.  The first thing I did was drink a diet coke and smoke a cigarillo.  I didn't think of bathing or eating.  I have yet to eat and just don't feel hungry.   My mind feels busy with all these thoughts I want to write and blog about.  I have written over five blog posts this morning and didn't publish them.  I feel like a man obsessed.   I reached out this morning, though, sending numerous emails to Easter Seals.  "Help me!" I pleaded.  Someone please help me.  I feel out of control and like I am losing my mind.  I need some structure to my days and a reason for living.  There has to be something more than a blog and the Internet.   


PipeTobacco said...


Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it greatly.

While I can understand your frustration about the situation you find yourself it... at another level you can actually see it as a true gift! What I mean is that, you have such infinite freedom to structure your own life as you see fit... many people would love that freedom.

As you know, the freedom, however is challenging, as it means you will need to think about HOW you want your life to be and make real concrete DECISIONS on what you want to do with your time.

Previously, my suggestions to you were about choosing moderate choices and actions... and that is my idea again, but here is why: I think that as you start to accept and willingly take charge of your own life, it is easiest to find success FIRST in the moderate, middle-of-the road decision. THEN, after you have established a pattern you willingly choose to follow... then you can modify it to better suit your ultimate desires.

I think you have a great gift here, you can do or be whatever you want... and you have enough time and energy to truly think through and make a plan for your life so you can be EXACTLY what you want to be.

Your friend,


Andrew said...


Thank you for turning a lemon into lemonade. I didn't see it as freedom. I guess without a wife, kids, and all the accruements of traditional life, I am in the enviable position of being about to choose my path in life more freely. I want so much and I know I should strive for a middle-of-the-road solution. Right now, I would just settle peacefully for some peace of mind. To know everything is going to be okay. That life is not some wasted piece of space and energy. I will continue to look into this Easter Seals program. I have yet to here from them. I can be so impetuous though and my temperament is fleeting. I want something done NOW why I am in the frame of mind to do so.


nengaku said...

Hey Andrew,
I'm going to take a completely different tack here and suggest that maybe you are already perfect! Maybe there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with getting up, drinking a coke, and smoking a cigarello. Maybe not bathing is not a problem. Maybe it is just fine to have social anxieties. Your father is perfect - as your father. But you are perfect as yourself! Think what a horrible world this would be if everybody was just like your father. And when I try to imagine this world without you in it it seems impossible. I'm not saying that we shouldn't set goals, make changes, continue growing. But I am saying that to judge oneself - or anybody else - as less than perfect doesn't really get us anything except suffering. When I was a smoker I was already perfect. When I got uncomfortable being a smoker and vowed to change that was perfect too. When I quit smoking I was still perfect. If I started smoking tomorrow I still would not be less than perfect. But I chose not to do that - for today anyway.
Consider this my dear friend, not a SINGLE SNOWFLAKE falls in the wrong place.
I have bipolar disorder, social anxieties, nightmares the past two nights, financial problems, kids who are pissed at me, an ex who thinks I am some kind of ogre and on and on but if any one of those things was different right now then I wouldn't be who I am at this moment - so they are all just perfect.
Shine on, brother. You don't have to do anything to "improve". Just BE!

mosiacmind said...

Something I thought about as I was reading comments and I do not think that I ever have shared this with India they honor people with schizophrenia i know bad spelling anyway they honor people and think with hallucinations are between two worlds here and the spiritual world

GoodbyeCityLife said...

The internet can be an incredible tool; use it. Let your online friends be a part of your protective barriers against suicidal thoughts. I may be 3 states away and never have met you, but I'm real and I'm listening and I want you to do well.