Sunday, December 23, 2007

Melancholy Blues

I was feeling kind of blue this morning stuck in the house so I left really early to go for my morning walk.  I stopped by the shopping center to find no one out there.  I sat for the longest time smoking and reading a magazine.  Alone and lonely.  Soon, Big S showed up with a gift. 

"Don't say I didn't get you anything," he said, pulling a package of White Owl cigars out of his backpack. 

"Thanks," I replied and immediately opened the pack to smoke one. 

"Big storm this morning," he said as he sat beside me.

"We got lots of wind and rain," was my reply.  "It is supposed to get colder as the day progresses."

"Your Rosa was worried about you after you left yesterday," Big S told me.

"It is just strange," I replied. "I was never good at breaking up.  I don't know what to say to her.  It all feels so strained."

Big S chuckled and lit up a cigar of his own.  We sat for the longest time not saying much as we watched the first early shoppers hit the grocery store. 

I am feeling really nervous about our big family Christmas get together.  I am so self conscious lately and feel I look weird.  I asked Big S if I looked weird and he said I looked the same as always.  His words weren't much comfort.

Today, my brother, his wife, and his daughter fly in from San Diego.  It will be the first time I have seen him in over a year.  I am so nervous about the homecoming.  I wish I didn't have these damned social anxieties.  If I could pull it off, I would be some lone hermit living in the woods with nary a soul around or a friend.  Christmas always was hard on people like me. 


KYRIE said...

When I was younger, I used to wish I had an older sister or bro. I am the quintessential hermit right now I guess :)
Big S gave u a present? Wonders never cease near Christmas.


I know what you mean.