"I wanna get fucked up," Ferret told me grinning furiously a moment ago down at the shopping center. "I wanna get blitzed out of my mind. I don't want to remember tomorrow."
It has been a warm day. Quite a few of the gang were down at the shopping center after lunch. Ferret. Dexter. Big S. Cap w/Tag Guy. Rosa. The after Christmas sales had brought in a lot of foot traffic.
"I want a drug that makes me happy and doesn't destroy my life," was what I told Ferret. "It would be my soma."
Ferret jumped up and pulled on his cap.
"I'm headed for the liquor store. You coming?"
"No," I replied. "I can't"
I watched as Ferret briskly walked off. It was a long walk across the river to Big John's package store. Not one that I relished, having walked that path many times. My mind raced as I thought of bottles of booze and that inebriated feeling they impart. God, I wanted to get drunk.
"You look deep in thought," Rosa said, walking up and then sitting down next to me.
"Ferret left to go get drunk and I wanna get fucked up too," I said.
"Drinking makes you mean," Rosa said. "And you can be mean sober, too!"
"I just get frustrated at not being able to feel good," was my reply. "I just want to feel normal. To feel good. To feel okay."
"Just don't start smoking crack!" Rosa then exclaimed as she laughed. "It almost took over my life!"
"Do you think there is hope for me?" I asked with a grimace on my face. "Do you think I will ever be happy?"
Rosa got quiet and sat there twirling her hair in between her fingers as she thought. She then put her arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.
"I think you are going to be just fine," she said with a smile. "You do better everyday."
Rosa saying that meant the world to me. I know we've had our differences lately, but I needed a friend. Someone to talk to. It is little moments like this that keep me sober. The little joys that make life all the more worth living.