Saturday, December 29, 2007

I Wanna New Drug...

"I wanna get fucked up," Ferret told me grinning furiously a moment ago down at the shopping center. "I wanna get blitzed out of my mind.  I don't want to remember tomorrow."

It has been a warm day.  Quite a few of the gang were down at the shopping center after lunch.  Ferret. Dexter. Big S. Cap w/Tag Guy. Rosa.  The after Christmas sales had brought in a lot of foot traffic. 

"I want a drug that makes me happy and doesn't destroy my life," was what I told Ferret. "It would be my soma."

Ferret jumped up and pulled on his cap.

"I'm headed for the liquor store.  You coming?"

"No," I replied. "I can't"

I watched as Ferret briskly walked off.  It was a long walk across the river to Big John's package store.  Not one that I relished, having walked that path many times.  My mind raced as I thought of bottles of booze and that inebriated feeling they impart.  God, I wanted to get drunk.  

"You look deep in thought," Rosa said, walking up and then sitting down next to me.

"Ferret left to go get drunk and I wanna get fucked up too," I said.

"Drinking makes you mean," Rosa said. "And you can be mean sober, too!"

"I just get frustrated at not being able to feel good," was my reply.  "I just want to feel normal.  To feel good.  To feel okay."

"Just don't start smoking crack!" Rosa then exclaimed as she laughed. "It almost took over my life!"

"Do you think there is hope for me?" I asked with a grimace on my face. "Do you think I will ever be happy?" 

Rosa got quiet and sat there twirling her hair in between her fingers as she thought.  She then put her arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. 

"I think you are going to be just fine," she said with a smile.  "You do better everyday."

Rosa saying that meant the world to me.  I know we've had our differences lately, but I needed a friend.  Someone to talk to.   It is little moments like this that keep me sober.  The little joys that make life all the more worth living. 


Scott said...

I feel your pain, brutha! I keep walking past full bottles of hard liquor in my parents house and I so want a drink. My parents have one drink. I drink whole bottles. So I know I can't start again because I will never stop again! Are you going to AA?

CJM-R said...

Sweet moment with Rosa. Nice to hear.


mosiacmind said...

Keep Strong...Glad you had a sweet momeent with Rosa...please use that moment to know how real you are these days saying when you are struggling. Might I recommend to go to a meeting today and talk about your interactions with people today

Jenni said...

Andrew, there is no drug that can do that. There's also no person or thing that can *make* you happy. It's a decision you have to make each day, each moment.

It does sound like there are certain things that you enjoy, things that help you relax and decide that you are happy. Hiking does that for me. When I'm feeling depressed or misunderstood, I force myself to go outside and take a walk alone. It helps me get outside of myself and see all the beauty around me.

Another thing that helps me is to try to help other people or do things to help make them happy. I don't mean trying to meet everyone else's expectations. (That will actually make you miserable pretty quickly.) I mean just think about something--big or little, it doesn't matter--that would really bless someone and lift their spirits, and then do it. It works every single time. It's all about getting outside of yourself and the problems that are weighing you down and focusing on something else. Whether it's helping someone else or looking around you for the blessings that are there, it really does help tremendously.

Keep up the good work, Andrew. I think Rosa is right. You're going to be just fine.

Kelly Jene said...

You are going to be just fine my friend! I am so proud to come back and see that number 39 on your counter. You are doing wonderful. I've missed you like crazy. I will catch up on your blog very soon. Hugs to you!

justLacey said...

jenni is right and she makes some good points. even people who seem happy all the time probably aren't. perhaps they don't expect to be or their coping skills are different. no one is happy all the time. if you were you wouldn't know it because you would have nothing to compare it too. does that make sense?

justLacey said...

Also glad you can see that Rosa is still a valuable friend.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

hey i dont want to sound like a nagging COW (heehee) but why not try a local AA meeting?
the fellowship is LOVELY. Its the feeling you have with your frind Rosa.
we cant do it alone you see..
why not eh?
As they say..
"Its better to be in AA pretending to be an alcoholic, than to be 'out there', pretending you're not"

Cheryl said...

HI Andrew!

I think you're going to be fine, as long as you take it one day at a time. You want to be happy; some people are happy being miserable. You take steps to make it happen. You look for those little joys. You are so good to the people you know. Have faith, my friend. There's no magic bullet or drug. There's just trying every day to make it a good one.

cyotteeflower said...

Tears are in my eyes I am so happy that you let Rosa comfort you. That is good to hear.
Andrew I am so proud that you chose not to drink today.
Sometimes I invision myself making the 20hr drive just to give you big momma hugs.....and to have you cook me a meal,ofcourse!

Lev said...

Your blog is a great inspiration.

Good Luck, stay on track. :)

Leann said...

Good friends are worth their weight in gold Andrew. I'm glad Rosa was there for you today.

You will be happy when you make the choice to be. To know your life is what it is and to not wish for things you do not/can not have. (My children hate it when I tell them that, so I expect you will too)

Know my thoughts and prayers are with you daily.


jrlmx2 said...

Maggie is SO cute on your header!

Summer said...

How are you this morning Sweet Pea? I love Maggie's face at the top. It made me smile this morning.

Diamond said...

Looks as though you have alot of supporters..I must say that passing up a drink or that drug that will make you 'normal' is a big step...I am routing for you!

simonsays said...

Oh---Maggie is adorable! I am hoping for a beautiful Sunday for you!


Sharyna said...

Congrats on 40 days!! I'm so proud of you. Good normal moment with Rosa. See you can do it. We're behind you 100%.


savannah said...

hang in there, sugar...*hugs*

2008 will be a good one!

SOUL: said...

how right you are... it really is the little things. people win the lottery and end up divorced or dead--- people have an all night talk with a friend and stay sober another day. what a gift.

Thodgson said...

Sorry I have not stopped in lately, I had to be out of town with my family... Some sickness over the holidays - but I think we are back on track now.
I am so happy to hear that you have been spending time with friends - open and leaning on one another makes us stronger. Here is a thought - Is there a church close by that you and Rosa can go to together? Sometimes what we are searching for is not a new drug but to fill the empty spot in our hearts that nothing but Jesus can fill.
I am also thrilled to read about your new years' plans.
keep on getting on!!