Monday, December 3, 2007

Down in the Dumps

I rarely get depressed -- depressed as in clinically depressed. I have noticed the signs lately though. Getting a shower and a shave is a major ordeal. I rarely go out of the house. I wear the same clothes for days on end. I am eating comfort foods that are easy to fix, fatty, full of salt, and unhealthy. I rolled over in the bed this morning at daybreak and cursed the day in that I couldn't sleep any longer. I didn't want to get up. I realized this was normal though -- normal to be depressed about my predicament. I don't have any money. All my friends have gone and moved on. Rosa and I continue to grow apart. The Internet is my only social outlet these days and I spend much of days glued in front of this computer monitor.

"It is the negative symptoms of schizophrenia," my father told me last night.

"I am not schizophrenic," I told him tersely, and then told him to drop the whole subject.

You could see him bite his tongue about my remark about not being schizophrenic. It is as if the whole world is against me and actually wants me to be sick. It is easy to explain my oftentimes aberrant behavior when labeled as schizophrenic. Potent drugs are prescribed that dope me up and keep me depressed and complacent -- malleable. I want just one morning to feel the real me, mental illness and all. If I even have a mental illness. I am starting to wonder these days. I blithely say the rest of this crazy world is mentally ill and I am the only sane one left.

On the good news front, my Christmas tree will be delivered next weekend. I am so excited and can't wait to smell that evergreen tree in my den. It is going to take a family effort to get up the lights and the ornaments. I will say it again, but I haven't been this excited about Christmas in years. Christmas was always a dark and dour time for me -- a time when at least one family member would attempt suicide. It never failed to happen.

7 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

I am so happy to hear that your tree is on order, Andrew. I know the bright Christmas lights will cheer you up a bit!

Anonymous Boxer said...

Yeah, I kinda understand the family-suicide thing around the Holidays.

THIS year my goal is to make it as bright as I can for myself and family/friends.

Regarding the depression - in some ways I think it's similar to the Twevle Steps - you take it one day at a time. I hope you have a good day today.

robl132 said...

Andrew,

I feel lucky I "found" your blog. I was bored and noodling around looking at different blogs and stopped here after reading a few of your well written entries.

I can relate completely with you. I am in alcoholic recovery and go through some of the same thought process you seem to.

Sometimes I can beat myself up for just being depressed. Sometimes I have to say to myself, "it's OK to be depressed. Nothing is wrong, it will all be OK".

I isolate. I know it's wrong, but I just don't want to deal out there with the public. So I try not to isolate. (right).

I have bookmarked your site and look forward to your most excellent writing skill.

You are not alone. There are many of us just like you out here.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

from what it sounds like you do have the physical symptoms of depression..believe me, I know..I live it! it's like a nasty wave of highs and lows..and I'm sure it's making your skin crawl being that you have enough to swallow in your life. It doesn't help when things feel unbalanced. Sounds like you need to start seeing your LJ's (MOSAIC MIND!!! :)...) on paper...like when Maggie looks up at you and tilts her head to the side and that tickles your fancy..
or when you have a countdown for the Christmas tree..that may make your heart warm up.

Do you like Popcorn on the tree?
Buy some popcorn, long fishing string (SOUL!!!!0 and spend your day wheeving popcorn on strings to be ready for the tree next week.

If all else fails, you can call me.. :)

Hang in there..I'm sorry you're not feeling so good.
Need another Crusty chuckle? I have a cute video up about a girl that discovers who santa is.. :)
hee-hee!!

Feel better soon my friend!
Always,
Crusty~

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I think you need some snow and some chicago deep dish Lou pizza! :)
Always,
Crusty~

CRUSTYBEEF said...

P.S. again-(sorry for the comment hogbox!!) I like what "rob" said, that it is okay to be depressed..you know, that's so true.
Always,
Crusty~
Okay, I'm done hogging the comment box-sorry! :)

Kelly Jene said...

Depression is hard to work through, but even if it means hanging out on the internet, be around others. It helps. I struggle with it too, so I know how it is.

Enjoy Christmas ... it's a beautiful season.