Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Come on Christmas, Pass!

I realize this may come across as rather negative, but I thought it was actually positive.  Instead of blaming everyone else for my bust of a Christmas, I realized I needed to change me and myself.   I have so many dreams and aspirations to be a "normal" person these days -- to not always live under the shadow of schizophrenia and the social aloofness it imparts.   I hope you read this and realize I was just brainstorming and thinking aloud.  I was just lonely and the cure for that was to write about it and share.  I wish I had as many real people coming over as I do have visitors stopping by this blog.  I share it, warts and all, though.  



This has been the longest day of my life. Christmas was a bust.  I never heard from any of my family.  I didn't get one present.  I tried to call Dad once on his cell phone but he wasn't answering.  They also have their phone off the hook at home because Dad will get a lot of pharmacy related calls if they don't.  It has been a lonely day planted in front of this computer with Maggie periodically checking on me.  

I reached out a lot today, though, online.  I sent numerous emails wishing everyone a Merry Christmas starting last night.  I commented on countless blogs letting people I know that I cared and enjoyed their writing. I spent time writing an article on mental illness and the harshness of the season for publication.  I hope to start writing for Associated Content.  

I realize I must create my own family for next Christmas.  I must get back to work to be appealing to a mate.  I need to lose about 20 pounds, start dressing nicely, and learn to wear nice shoes.  I need to shower everyday and stay clean shaven.   I need to be independent and strong to take care of a loved one or mate who needs me.  Mostly, of all, I need to stay clean and sober and start back going to AA.  AA is more than just staying sober, it is a complete change in lifestyles and thinking.  I realize I am missing that part of it today as I have fantasized numerous times of going to buy a couple bottles of Thunderbird wine or mouthwash despite the untold consequences.  I wanted to drown my sorrow in that old crutch, Alcohol.  

Some things I plan to do after Christmas...

  • Contact Vocational Rehabilitation to get started with rehabilitating myself for a job.  This will be arduous I surmise and hard to enroll.  The state never makes it easy with numerous hoops to jump through.  I will no doubt have to play phone tag and with my phone phobias this should prove interesting. 
  • Get up every morning and make my bed, take a shower, and SHAVE!!!! Fuck, that is so hard for me to do with no reason to do it. 
  • Get acclimated to nice clothes again as in dress slacks and button up shirts.  I have plenty of nice clothes to wear, but I mainly wear cotton t-shirts and an old pair of athletic shorts with elastic in the waistband.
  • Take my medications religiously.  I have my father to thank for this.  He is over like clockwork every night to give them to me.  
  • Talk to my doctor for something for the negative symptoms of my schizophrenia.  I think this has a lot to do with my apathy and lack of drive to do anything.
  • Look into volunteering in the meantime before I start rehabilitation.
  • Start drinking diet sodas instead of regular colas.  I drink about 24 colas a day and that keeps the weight on me.  I can be so damned compulsive and it's unhealthy.
  • Cut down my smoking to a pack a day instead of two.
  • Get in a habit again of going to Alcoholics Anonymous religiously.  I never give it time to make close friends and acquaintances like I once had in the program.  I need to make it part of my life.
  • Get back to walking many miles everyday.  I need to make this a labor of love as it once was and I think the exercise will do me good.

I have added a new blog tag called Starting a New Life. With these I will chronicle on this blog this new change in me.   I have got to make myself more appealing to other human beings where they will want to invite me over for Christmas or at least come and see me sometimes.  It is very sad when your own flesh and blood makes no effort to see a brother or son other than having to.  I want to change that and I realize it is up to me.  I must make myself likable and more appealing to others.   I realize I must create my own family of friends and loved ones or else I am going to die alone.  I don't want to be lonely another Christmas!     


justLacey said...

Just a guess, but perhaps they didn't come by or call because they knew you were anxious about it. If you hadn't cancelled last night, maybe it would have been different. I think many people are lonely at Christmas, even people with families. It's a long day and usually not all it's cracked up to be. I agree that this has been the longest day. Perhaps tomorrow will be different.

weiber_mann said...

"Some things I plan to do after Christmas..."

Remember "One day at a time". You are getting to far ahead. Anxiety then builds up. Needs now are AA meetings. Time will take care of the rest.

Merry Xmas!

Anonymous Boxer said...

Sometimes we need to feel really bad in order to want to feel better. I'm sorry you've been lonely today, but I do agree with Justlacey that your family probably thinks they are giving you what you need. You have some wonderful goals set for 2008 and that's a great way to spend your time.

Hang in there Andrew, today is almost over and there is a new day around the corner.

C.A. said...

Andrew I'm sorry your Christmas has been lonely. I've spent a few of those myself. I love that you've been thinking positively of changes you can make to improve your life. Just focus on one thing at a time...that seems to make accomplishing goals easier for me.

As far as the diet soda goes...I once was a devoted Coke drinker. My sister, who is a dietician, told me to try Diet, and stick to it for a month. Once the month was over, I'd never be able to drink regular Coke again. I choked diet down for 30 solid days...and you know what...she was RIGHT! That was 16 years ago, too!

I hope the rest of the evening passes peacefully for you. Tomorow is a new day.



justLacey said...

Try the caffeine free diet Coke. I think it tastes better than the regular diet. Not so sickly sweet. I had to switch when I was pregnant the last 2 times. I had gestational diabetes. That is how I got used to the taste. I still prefer the regular Coke taste, but the guilt of the calories keeps me from drinking it too often. Maybe water would be better or some of those flavored carbonated waters. They are an acquired taste, but refreshing to me.

lynn said...

Andrew it sounds to me like you are doing head and shoulders better than you have in a long long time. Going to see family even makes me (an outgoing personality) queasy. I always say right before we leave to visit family that I'm not going I want to stay home. However I went and had a great time. Christmas is a time when people have this Norman Rockwell idea of how the holiday will be. However you have Maggie, You house looks great with the new decorations and you stayed sober..that is nothing to sneeze at! It represents a great improvement! God bless you and keep you, and make his face to shine upon you,

Marinda Martin said...

Hi Andrew, I read your blog in hopes it will help me understand my 20 year old nephew who has schizo-affective disorder. He complains of living with his grandparents, always being seen with his grandma behind the wheel, and professes a huge desire to be on his own. Yet, a few days ago his name reached the top of a two year long waiting list for an apartment paid for by Community Services Bureau. I was elated for him- it's what he's wanted for ages. If the apartment didn't work out, he was welcome to return to his grandparents. Somehow, he ended up not even taking the apartment for one day. He turned the offer down and someone else got to take it. Let me tell you, there aren't tons of free apartments out there waiting for people with mental disorders. It seems everytime he thinks of reaching out for independence, he winds up huddling back under the protective wing of family. I don't understand it. I haven't called him for Xmas either. I'm disgusted with the whole lot of them. With mom, for enabling his dependency instead of helping him to learn to live alone and with my sister (his mother) who thinks warehousing him with our parents is good enough. I'm sorry to write such a depressing response to your blog. This is his reality, not yours. I wish you well with your goals and resolutions.

mosiacmind said...

I am sure that last evening and today were sad and hard for you. I think that perhaps your family did not want to cause stress for you... or they are uneducated on what you go through on a day to day living.I sure hope that they would not do it to hurt you. I am wondering if one of the relatives will come over with your dad tonight. I think that you have many good ideas....goals to work towards yet I am reminded by something I read in the comments that just perhaps take one at a time changes can be difficult so if you try to do it all you would probably well if it was me I would get overwealmed by it all. I am so happy for you that you are taking your medications and it is a good thing to be talking to your doctor about the side effect. I too drink way more pop than I should but I drinking less than I used to drink. I remember drinking lots and lots of pop a few years ago. I find that I really like as far as diet i like diet cherry coke...cherry zero...I am trying the 7 UP cherrey diet since it does not have caffiene in it it is o.k. but perhaps when I get used to it then it will taste better. I also like diet cherry pepsi...but much prefer coke products than pepsi products....perhaps we can encourage each other to drink less pop and more water...or me to drink more water and you diet pop.

justLacey said...

I didn't think it came across as negative. I have those same kinds of feelings too and I have to try and look at it from the other person's point of view to try and put myself at ease. This was the first year my oldest daughter didn't come for Christmas and her 20th birthday is tomorrow. She chose to spend it with a boyfriend instead of her family.
I had to tell myself that had she not, he would have spent Christmas alone as his mother went out of town. It still stings though.

SOUL: said...

i'm really sorry you had a lonely day andrew. sounds like you have good plans and goals ahead though, and like they say .. one day at a time. no need to look all the way to next christmas... just for today..
i do hope you have a good night, and that tomorrow is a bit kinder to you.

Summer said...

I am sorry that you were lonely today. It makes my heart ache. How are you tonight?

Morgan W. Brown said...

Sounds like you have a good game plan, one step, moment and day at a time.

If you are not already aware of them yet, check out the offerings of the National Empowerment Center (NEC): Recovery is real and this website is filled with practical information that will help you recover if you have been labeled with a mental illness.

Make certain to also check out the bio of Daniel B. Fisher, M.D., Ph.D., NEC Executive Director (here): Dan is a person who has recovered from schizophrenia. He was hospitalized several times prior to becoming a psychiatrist. He is one of the few psychiatrists in the country who publicly discusses his recovery from mental illness. He is a role model for others who are struggling to recover, and his life dispels the myth that people do not recover from mental illness. His recovery and work in the field were recognized by his selection as a member of the White House Commission on Mental Health.

alyceclover said...

Speaking of writing, I was contemplating creating a guessing game: How many US Presidents were bald? When was the last time we had a US President with a beard? A mustache? I did not want to do the research for accuracy. I happened to come upon the idea researching ties, which lead me to viewing a list of president's past. Shaving and ties are so over-rated.

Look forward to seeing your articles at Associated Content. You write well and have enough material on this blog to start churning out articles. Comment getting too long, but...

...an AC CP is facing eviction. Another CP wants to send him money, other CPs said they would help too. Family was the word used.

2sunset said...

Even though your family's silence makes it feel like they are emotionally punishing you for making the decision to not show up for Christmas day, I am glad you made the decision - it was authentic - it was what YOU needed. Bravo again for doing it. You werent being passive aggressive, you werent manipulating or pouting, you discovered what was needed within you and you honored it.*that is still bloody hard for me, but I am getting better at it. Today, I volunteered at helping provide a free Christmas dinner for people who are down on their luck. I am going to write about it later, but I wanted to read you first. Merry Christmas Andrew, Remember today we are celebrating the birth of a child of a homeless teenager. This child changed everything and he chose to hang-out with self-doubters and screw-ups just like you and me.

CJM-R said...

Hi Andrew,

I am sorry that this Christmas didn't turn out for you the way you wanted it to.

I think it is a good thing to write some goals for yourself. You were very honest with yourself and laid it all out there for all to see.

Now just one step at a time, and you can start that new life that you so desire.

You know many of us will be here, cheering you on.

KYRIE said...

Christmas was a lonely day for me too :)Almost seemed like any other normal day.
I am so happy and proud for you concerning your articles writting.
And about the center.
BTW,anyway I do think you are a likeable friend! Merry Christmas dear friend!!

AlabamaGal said...

I like your honesty and I appreciate you sharing your goals with us. You can do every one of those things! One day at a time, one task at a time and with a plan. You will get where you want to be!

I am glad you are writing. I am sorry Christmas wasn't what you expected. I am proud of you also for trying to go to AA and getting "spiffied" up.



Oldy said...

Sorry you were lonely today Andrew.But you may have just missed out on a bunch of unwanted drama. I hope your day with just you and Maggie was still somehow joyous for you .

You remind me of my brother ....if he had been as "normal " as you are.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Blue Gardenia said...

I had Christmas with my wife and 2 daughters but spent a portion of it flopped in bed. Just a small Christmas and Schizophrenia can wear you right out. Be happy that you only had maggie to contend with. You can reach out to your family whenever you want so don't worry. We need caffein so drink coffee and diet sodas. You can get used to diet sodas but I hardly think that 24 sodas a day is good as eventually you could wear out your innards. Once you force diet sodas on yourself you will be able to scale back the volume.

nengaku said...

Sorry you had such a crappy Christmas, Andrew. But I did want to tell you that your comment on my blog re: "almost like family" really made my day.
Also I was really excited that you made the effort to get out to an AA meeting.
Peace, brother.

Augs Casa said...

I wish the best for you. I hope you can accomplish everything you set out to do.

Be well amigo