I realize this may come across as rather negative, but I thought it was actually positive. Instead of blaming everyone else for my bust of a Christmas, I realized I needed to change me and myself. I have so many dreams and aspirations to be a "normal" person these days -- to not always live under the shadow of schizophrenia and the social aloofness it imparts. I hope you read this and realize I was just brainstorming and thinking aloud. I was just lonely and the cure for that was to write about it and share. I wish I had as many real people coming over as I do have visitors stopping by this blog. I share it, warts and all, though.
This has been the longest day of my life. Christmas was a bust. I never heard from any of my family. I didn't get one present. I tried to call Dad once on his cell phone but he wasn't answering. They also have their phone off the hook at home because Dad will get a lot of pharmacy related calls if they don't. It has been a lonely day planted in front of this computer with Maggie periodically checking on me.
I reached out a lot today, though, online. I sent numerous emails wishing everyone a Merry Christmas starting last night. I commented on countless blogs letting people I know that I cared and enjoyed their writing. I spent time writing an article on mental illness and the harshness of the season for publication. I hope to start writing for Associated Content.
I realize I must create my own family for next Christmas. I must get back to work to be appealing to a mate. I need to lose about 20 pounds, start dressing nicely, and learn to wear nice shoes. I need to shower everyday and stay clean shaven. I need to be independent and strong to take care of a loved one or mate who needs me. Mostly, of all, I need to stay clean and sober and start back going to AA. AA is more than just staying sober, it is a complete change in lifestyles and thinking. I realize I am missing that part of it today as I have fantasized numerous times of going to buy a couple bottles of Thunderbird wine or mouthwash despite the untold consequences. I wanted to drown my sorrow in that old crutch, Alcohol.
Some things I plan to do after Christmas...
- Contact Vocational Rehabilitation to get started with rehabilitating myself for a job. This will be arduous I surmise and hard to enroll. The state never makes it easy with numerous hoops to jump through. I will no doubt have to play phone tag and with my phone phobias this should prove interesting.
- Get up every morning and make my bed, take a shower, and SHAVE!!!! Fuck, that is so hard for me to do with no reason to do it.
- Get acclimated to nice clothes again as in dress slacks and button up shirts. I have plenty of nice clothes to wear, but I mainly wear cotton t-shirts and an old pair of athletic shorts with elastic in the waistband.
- Take my medications religiously. I have my father to thank for this. He is over like clockwork every night to give them to me.
- Talk to my doctor for something for the negative symptoms of my schizophrenia. I think this has a lot to do with my apathy and lack of drive to do anything.
- Look into volunteering in the meantime before I start rehabilitation.
- Start drinking diet sodas instead of regular colas. I drink about 24 colas a day and that keeps the weight on me. I can be so damned compulsive and it's unhealthy.
- Cut down my smoking to a pack a day instead of two.
- Get in a habit again of going to Alcoholics Anonymous religiously. I never give it time to make close friends and acquaintances like I once had in the program. I need to make it part of my life.
- Get back to walking many miles everyday. I need to make this a labor of love as it once was and I think the exercise will do me good.
I have added a new blog tag called Starting a New Life. With these I will chronicle on this blog this new change in me. I have got to make myself more appealing to other human beings where they will want to invite me over for Christmas or at least come and see me sometimes. It is very sad when your own flesh and blood makes no effort to see a brother or son other than having to. I want to change that and I realize it is up to me. I must make myself likable and more appealing to others. I realize I must create my own family of friends and loved ones or else I am going to die alone. I don't want to be lonely another Christmas!