Thursday, December 27, 2007

A Call in the Dark

"Mom, I am not doing well," I said after she picked up the phone. "Should I call the paramedics?"

"What's wrong?"

"I feel mentally strange.  My mind feels busy and I can't concentrate on anything.  I can't lie down.  I can only write and use the computer," I replied.

"I am sorry to hear that."

"Talk to Dad about me staying with y'all tonight.  Please? Let me sleep in Mary Emily's bedroom.  I will go to sleep around nine and I promise to be quiet.  I just want to be with my family.  I am scared and lonely. I don't feel well at all."

"I will talk to him," she said. "You want me to bring you some Benadryl?"

"Please and I forgot to get last night's dosage," I replied. "Tell dad to give you that as well."

You are not going to drive this time of night, I could hear my father scold my mother over the phone. You will have a wreck.

"Your father will be there soon," my mother said. 

I hung up the phone.  I don't have high hopes of my father appearing anytime soon.  I have cried the proverbial wolf too many times in my mentally ill states for them to think of this as nothing more than just some melodrama I am dreaming up.  I need help and don't know how to get it.  Maybe I do need to call the paramedics, but I don't feel as crazy as I can sometimes be.  I am in that strange twilight zone not knowing what to do.  I fear I will act too normal for the paramedics and I am afraid of the costs.  I also can't bear to be without my cigarillos right now and a hospital visit would preclude them.  


Sharyna said...

Did your father bring pills? I hope so. I hate anxiety attacks. I had one last night when Fred cut his finger. I was afraid I'd have to drive him to the hospital for stitches and it just threw me. I'm such a wimp. Did you get to stay with your parents? I would love it if one of my kids wanted to stay with me.


mosiacmind said...

wow can i relate to those feelings. i have found for me that it is better if i go to the hospital than stay with my mom but that is just me.i hope that you do whatever you need to do to stay safe and slow down your brain. i will be praying...if you do call 911 know that is the best for you for now. as i always say i care for you are a good friend and i will be here if you stay at home or if you go to your parents or if you go into the hospital. one thing that hospitals tend to do for me is to get me back on a schedule....also ask for a nicotine patch and that should help the cravings.

Cheryl said...

I'm sorry it's been such a horrible day for you. Such an intense one. I'm proud of you for asking for help. I hope your father does come through for you. Since writing helps you, keep on writing. We'll be here to read whatever you want to write. Your friends won't desert you. You'll be on my mind.

I bookmarked the Associated Content site, and I'll be looking for posts from you there too.

This night will pass. You will feel better. I promise.

justLacey said...

The holidays bring with them a lot of anxiety for everyone and on top of that your car problem. You are overthinking everything you want to do and that is what is causing your anxiety. Get out your paper bag and try and get your breathing calmed down. Whenever I feel anxious like that I look up panic attacks and read the symptoms. It makes me feel better to know that my symptoms are normal for that. I know, I sound weird, but it works for me lol. Anxiety for all you have been through is normal. I used to want to run to my parents and then when I got there I would feel like such a baby. Of cours that made me more anxious. Why couldn't I handle my own problems as an adult? Honey you are not alone. It will pass when things calm down. You have been alone so much and that doesn't help. That is how mine started. When I was alone a lot of the time.

Rhette said...

I pray your family will show up & take you to their home. All you want is to be around family to allow the fear & loneliness to subside if only for one night.

You will be in my thoughts Andrew. For me to tell you to hang in their is useless because I know you have been doing that for so long.

I will check back later in hopes that your family will show up.

Hugs to you,
Kirs ~

greglo said...

HI Andrew,

I hope things have gotten better by the time you read this. If not maybe in the meantime your father comes or to help cope with your state of mind could you try to think or tell us about things you like. Especially if blogging feels like a thing that helps you? Why not telling us about these trains you saw lately? Do you have any pictures to show us... Hisham, my son, will alwys be happy to see new ones. Or tell us about some walks you've been doing lately... Coffee is ready, it's 7:30 am here in southern France and apparently it's going to be a cold but sunny day. No snow either here but it usually come only in february and for two or three days...
Best thoughts Dear Friend and great writer!!!!

Summer said...

I'm running late this morning. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you.

SOUL: said...

sounds like a rough night andrew--- i hope your dad showed up to help you out, and you got some sleep?
it's hell when the mind won't stop, i know. i'm sorry--and i hope today is better for you.
laterz my brotha

nengaku said...

Something you said really struck a cord with me "I'm afraid I'll act too normal." I remember that fear from every time I went to the hospital. It seemed there was no way possible anybody could understand what was going on in my head and there was no way to express it in words either. That's such a horrible place to be. I remember thinking if I could mutate into some kind of bizarre creature I would do it just so people would know what I was feeling inside!
Glad you got your shot!