It's probably going to be a quiet day on this blog. I just don't feel well. I feel so anxious with butterflies fluttering in my chest and stomach as if another anxiety attack is about to hit at any moment. It is this sense of impending doom.
I had another terrible panic/anxiety attack last night and it was so disheartening. I thought I was over them. Something is terribly wrong with me and I know not what. I just want to sleep -- to sleep a thousand pleasant dreams. Sleep is my only respite from this terrible feeling I harbor.
I'm convinced it is my psychiatric medications. I have a confession to make. My father has been giving me three pills every night. Lithium, Luvox, and Risperdal. I have been eating a big meal before he comes over in preparation to throw them back up. Last night, I let them take effect and had another terrible attack as they hit my bloodstream. I am so convinced they are the culprits!!!!!
I need something to take, but I hate to go back to the emergency room. I would be down there for hours, without probably any hopes of help. My father will not give me anything to take even though he has hundreds of Xanax at home. They always help. He says those pills flip a switch in my brain causing me to crave alcohol and it makes me crazy in my addictions which is not true. I can't call my brother or sister who are doctors for fear of bothering them. Once labeled an addict, always seen as an addict, and they will think I only want to get "high." I just want some help.
I hope you all have a good day. I will be thinking of many of you as I sit and read in front of this computer. A quiet day will be had of smoking cigars, listening to the Internet radio, and reading blogs, and possibly commenting if I feel able. Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the prayers I can get.