Sunday, November 18, 2007

Quiet Day...

It's probably going to be a quiet day on this blog. I just don't feel well. I feel so anxious with butterflies fluttering in my chest and stomach as if another anxiety attack is about to hit at any moment. It is this sense of impending doom.

I had another terrible panic/anxiety attack last night and it was so disheartening. I thought I was over them. Something is terribly wrong with me and I know not what. I just want to sleep -- to sleep a thousand pleasant dreams. Sleep is my only respite from this terrible feeling I harbor.

I'm convinced it is my psychiatric medications. I have a confession to make. My father has been giving me three pills every night. Lithium, Luvox, and Risperdal. I have been eating a big meal before he comes over in preparation to throw them back up. Last night, I let them take effect and had another terrible attack as they hit my bloodstream. I am so convinced they are the culprits!!!!!

I need something to take, but I hate to go back to the emergency room. I would be down there for hours, without probably any hopes of help. My father will not give me anything to take even though he has hundreds of Xanax at home. They always help. He says those pills flip a switch in my brain causing me to crave alcohol and it makes me crazy in my addictions which is not true. I can't call my brother or sister who are doctors for fear of bothering them. Once labeled an addict, always seen as an addict, and they will think I only want to get "high." I just want some help.

I hope you all have a good day. I will be thinking of many of you as I sit and read in front of this computer. A quiet day will be had of smoking cigars, listening to the Internet radio, and reading blogs, and possibly commenting if I feel able. Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the prayers I can get.


Melissa said...

We will all be praying for you today and send extra love your way. I sure hope that this will pass just like all the others have. Have a good day and be safe. I am SO proud of you for reaching another day of not drinking. Keep up the great work. Oh yea, I love all the pictures you are taking. I am also looking for a new camera (maybe one like yours).


Ryan said...

Not really sure how to word this because I'm not the most religious person, but try to imagine me saying "I'll be praying for you" in my own way :)

Diana said...

I am praying for you. Hang in there buddy. One day at a time.

simonsays said...

I will be praying for you today andrew. I really wish you would have a long conversation with your doctor about this, what you say may well be right. If so, he would change your medications and you wouldn't have to have this ordeal with your father anymore. Hang in, hang on. Just do your best, thats all anyone can ask of you.

Cheryl said...

Hi Andrew. I'm writing from my parent's house. It's a sunny morning here in MD. Is it the same in AL? I think a distraction would do you good. A long walk? Picture taking? A romp around the yard with your best gal Maggie?

You'll be on my mind today.

Rhette said...

Please read the email I sent to you about panic attacks. I can try and help you, you don't have to do this day alone. Plez think about it, or we can talk, email but don't let the panic take on a life of it's own, don't let it win. Write me

abbagirl74 said...

Hey sugar. I had a nice dinner last night and thought of you. I really wish one day we could all get together and sit down to a nice meal. A small group of our blogging friends, wonderful conversation, great tasting food, and laughter to go around and around sounds like so much fun. I hope one day we can all do that.

Try and stay calm honey. Going to the emergency room is not the answer. You have control over this. You do. Perhaps today would be a great day to go for a nice walk and shoot us a video blog. I would love to hear your voice again with that Southern drawl of yours. You could take us with you on your walk and snap us pictures on the way. We love it when you share with us.

Hang in there sweetie. You are stronger than you know.

justLacey said...

Get out your paper bag and benadryl. People on no drugs have anxiety attacks. Perhaps you need someone to talk to about your problems or anxieties. Sometimes you just don't realize how much is bothering you until you start talking about it. Lots of little things can add up. I know you feel a loss of control over your life with your father and the money situation. It could be as simple as that.

justLacey said...

You can also be producing the anxiety by just thinkining it could be your meds doing it. Research the side effects of the stuff you are taking and see what it says. Be informed.

Rhette said...

Abba and lacey are right, talk to someone. Get your camera and do another video for us. We enjoy them but mostly we enjoy helping you. Everyone is here with you, talking helps but you've had this before, you got through it and you can do it again!

justLacey said...

Also...alcohol can increase the side effects of the risperdal so you may not want to drink with it.

Andrew said...


That could be true. I've never thought of that. I get so anxious when dad is coming over everynight to give them to me. I panic having those medications forced upon me. I get it into my head that they are the problem. I've never had these attacks until I started to take them that is why I get so paranoid about them. I hope you are having a good weekend.

Jonathon Andrew

Rhette said...

I would guess that it is difficult to tell which medication is causing the panic if you're taking too many. Who knows what that mix of medications can cause? The only way to get them out of your system is to drink water, I know you may not want to hear that but it works. Caffeine will make the attacks worse from coke to tea or coffee, even chocolate. I hope some of this helps you


Andrew said...


It is helping. Thank you. I am drinking Sprite this morning for fear of the caffeine. It is nice to know you since you understand what I am going through. Thank you for being a friend.

Beautifully Profound said...

Distractions. I think they are the key. Breathing as well. Just believe in yourself. You can control these things and get yourself through another day. Before you know it, a new day will be arriving!

Praying for you-BP

CJM-R said...

Glad to hear that you realize the caffeine may be making things worse. But Lacy is right, many people not on meds have panic attacks.

Hope you have better day than you think you can have. I love those video blogs, too. Hope you have the motivation and energy to post one today.


cactus tree said...

.....shine...yah..nice to know someone "gets" the joni thing..

justLacey said...

I only know this because sometimes my own thoughts are my worst enemy. I often think things out to death and in the end I have to sometimes realize that I can't control everything or maybe even anything. I know how hard the anxiety attacks are. I also know from personal experience, that you can overcome it. It may take a while, but life is everchanging and sometimes that is a good thing. Really it could be just the anticipation of the interaction with your dad. I know there is a lot of emotional turmoil there. That's all it takes to set it off. I have faith that you will be able to get over this. When you start to feel anxious you have to kind of talk to yourself. Tell yourself that this will pass and try and find sometihng that makes you relax. I started doing this with migraines and found it made them much less bad. Every now and then I
still let it get the better of me, but it really has made a difference. Play some relaxing music or put on a movie that you enjoy. This will help to take your mind off of what is causing the anxiety until it passes. You can do it Andrew!
Also if you are drinking a lot of sugary drinks, eat something with it that makes it go into your bloodstream slower. Something that takes a longer time to digest. It will help.


I like your music!!! :) Close your eyes, seek a familiar voice, phone a what helps to pull you out of the gloom and anxiety...and in the back of your head know that we are keeping you in our thoughts.


Debbie said...

Good morning Andrew,

thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. i love comments. when i do get the occasional one it makes my day!

instead of calling your father/bro/sis could you call your own doctor? the one you just saw? thats what they are there for.

you will be in my thoughts today. i check in on you a lot throughout the day.

you have come so far, keep up the good work!

Portia said...

I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You know better than anybody how you feel after that particular combination, and that is very important to pay attention to. Though I realize that still doesn't make it any easier to change things. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Martha said...

Sounds like it's not a good day so far. I wish I had some good suggestions to help with the anxiety, but I don't think I do. Maybe some exercise? Physical activity is an amazing antidote to negative feelings in general. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way.

mosiacmind said...

hello dear i wish i lived close to you so i could be a support in person. i think many people who addes comments have some great ideas. i am so glad that while i am home in between church and getting together with mom that i checked your blog! i am praying...i have some ideas that i will email you later on about. i really liked the ideas that lacey shared....i hope that you can find something today to focus on besides the panic attacks..taking maggie...and i hope that you do not have to go to the er but if you feel like you need to go then please do.what about hanging out with joyce for awhile even if it is just she is at your place or you are at hers just watching t.v. or such....i love you friend

Sharyna said...

Andrew, It is true that drinking on risperdal will freak you out! So you shouldn't do it for that reason alone. (As I sit here, guzzling beer.) I've heard that xanax will mirror the happy stage of being drunk. That's why they don't prescribe it for alcoholics. I hope you are feeling better. I am lighting candles for you.


Cheryl said...

Hi Andrew...I'm checking in again. I hope by the time you read this that your day has turned around for the better. Let me know, OK?

Anonymous Boxer said...

sending you healing energy, Andrew.

you are not alone.

simonsays said...

Just checking on you, hoping that your day is improving. :)

KYRIE said...

Hey Andrew,
Just passing through :) Hope u are feeling a bit better right now.
I was wondering, does ur pulse start racing whn u get these attacks?
I do not much about the effects of the meds u listed, but whn I was around 9, I had to take some meds n treatment for asthma and I used to get racing pulse, nervousness, not the right thing for a 9 year old. Finally, the doctor figured out after 3 years tht the meds are causing this. The dosage was too high as well.
Well, tht is my experience with weird meds.

So, I hope u can find relief and rest today. U have been under a lot of stress as well.
New music player!! Next month will be blaring Christmas tunes here I guess!

Kelly Jene said...

My friend, I hope this comment finds you improve and hopefully feeling better. Distracting yourself online is good. I have had panic attacks before and I hate to think of having another one. Quiet calm music helps me as well as keeping my hands busy. I crochet, do you do anything crafy that could keep your mind and hands busy?

You are in my prayers always. Hugs from afar...

Anonymous said...

A reluctant apprentice shaman who worships the arbitrary sacred, where the covenant of social reality is subverted , where a crack whore may be adored as a princess , you manage to scare both scientific rationialsts like your dad AND religious fundamentalists. Study the ecology of virtues where humility and self -assertion, courage and prudence all enhance each other. Even if dad has guardianship of you , it is dishonest and craven to barf up your meds. Time to talk truth to power!

Anonymous said...

A reluctant apprentice shaman who worships the arbitrary sacred, where the covenant of social reality is subverted , where a crack whore may be adored as a princess , you manage to scare both scientific rationialsts like your dad AND religious fundamentalists. Study the ecology of virtues where humility and self -assertion, courage and prudence all enhance each other. Even if dad has guardianship of you , it is dishonest and craven to barf up your meds. Time to talk truth to power!

Anonymous said...

Savor life's small pleasures. REcognise the ephemerality of what you cherish . Appreciate your place in the great interplay that is society , even if you just serve as a bad example. Find humour in the absurb. Live the Middle Way.

Debbie said...

just popping to see how you are doing. its raining here! i hope you are getting some much needed rain too.

Leann said...

Hey sweetie,

You know my prayers are with you always.

There are several good suggestions here and I"m going to toss in one other one. Meditation. It quiets the brain and empties it of those negative vibes. It takes practice but there are some great meditation CD's out there to help you focus on something besides what's going on in your mind.

I too would love to see more pictures and an audio blog. I love the souther drawl.

I'm very proud of you, please know that. I love Abba's suggestion of some of us getting together (I know I'm assuming I'm one of and just having a nice dinner with good conversation and laughter.

Hang in there!!



Hope you're doing well!! Let me know that things are safe for you.

Summer said...

Hey Andrew. How are you feeling tonight? I'll say a prayer for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Andrew,
I'm a rather new visitor to your blog. LOve your photos. Hope you are feeling better. Sounds like you have a good support group of other bloggers. Good to know there are such caring people out there... including yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hey Andrew, I wish you the best. I also have constant anxiety attacks but the only drug I take is called "atenolol". It helps regulate the response to the anxiety attack so that it can physically only be so bad. I believe it's blood pressure medication. Ask your doctor about it. For really tough times I take valium, but it's very addictive so I try not to take it much. Don't let your father give you drugs you don't want to take!

There are books out there to help with anxiety, one is called the Fear of Fear, or something like that. Panic attacks are much worse when you anticipate them. You can make it through this because I have barrelled my way through similar things including addiction... good luck to you.

Thodgson said...

You are in my prayers daily! I sure wish we all knew exactly what to do or say to make it all just be okay.
I am happy to read over the last several post your thoughts and or convictions for thoughts of Christ.
I personally like this website as you can read, watch and listen on your own good solid bible teachings.
Andrew, you are a very special person and I pray that God will bless you with a peaceful mind.
Take care - Tina

agent wife said...

May you have peace and strength today. Rest also in the knowledge that there are so many people rooting for you and wanting victory for you. May Victory come near you, enfold you and take you deeper into freedom.

Don't have any ideas or solutions- you would know better than me- but my prayers are with you- and those can make a difference.

My husband, aka agent B, was prayed over for freedom from depression and one day he realized it was gone. He has been meds free and depression free since (12 years). May his testimony encourage you today.

AlabamaGal said...

Just got to read your blog tonight after a busy day. I hope you have strength and find peace tonight. I hope your day got better as it went on and that by tonight you are feeling more at ease and less anxious. I am sending positive thoughts your way.


Tee said...

Andrew, I will be praying for you. You can check out the side effects to the drugs you are taking by doing a Google search on them. Also, you might want to ask your Dr. if the mix of the three drugs might be causing the anxiety attacks.

Amber said...

Hi! You've been tagged!

1. Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Thanks and have a great day!

SOUL: said...

hey there andrew---
really you SHOULD tell your p-doc, about the panic---did this start after starting or switching a medication??? or maybe the move???
so much can set them off.
and really, someone may have said it---just the fear of having the meds given to you when you don't want them, is enough for anxiety/
but - the best thing you can do is find out if it is a reaction to meds. risperdol is not a very good med...many side effects. look into it.
take care my brotha!

Anonymous said...

Luvox can cause "Anxiety, agitation, aggression, or panic attack". It says "Call your doctor IMMEDIATELY if you have these symptoms.

Risperdal can cause anxiety and fast heart beat.

Who perscribed all this stuff for you? And why is your father giving you a perscription strength antihistamine WITHOUT a doctors consent?????

Tell your father to take the pills one night and see if he can survive the night with all that going on inside him!

I'm not saying that you shouldn't take your medication. I'm just saying to be careful and don't let someone else make decisions for you that a doctor should be making.