Sat down at the emergency room for two hours and walked out. I just couldn't wait any longer -- the panic growing with every minute. I waited until a nurse opened the big doors to freedom. I just panicked so badly and wanted to be at home. My life continues to take interesting twists. I wonder if they will call me? I was admitted, after all. They may not even miss me they were so busy. I felt much better after leaving feeling they would think I was only there for medications to get high on. I just wanted to feel better. I was also afraid they would admit me back on the mental ward. I had told the admitting nurse that I was having terrible paranoia and hallucinations during my worst spells. I couldn't bear going without my little cigars for another week.
Really looking forward to A.A. tonight. Can't wait to see the regulars like Sandy, Tiffany, Mary, and Billie. I want to hear some words of support -- that I will not die drunk and alone. Any words will be fine and I will happily sit and listen. I feel much better tonight almost growing on normal. It is so awesome not to feel my heart pounding in my chest. Maybe just going to the emergency room brought solace to this addled soul with sitting there quietly for two hours being my catharsis.