Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Negative Symptoms...

One of hardest aspects of dealing with schizophrenia is the negative symptoms -- symptoms such as depression, flatness, and apathy. I am caught in the throes of such symptoms right now. I haven't had a shower in a week (just simple sponge baths). I am growing a beard to large protests from my family (I just don't feel like shaving). It takes all I can muster to go out of the house and to throw on any old clothes lying around. I have really let myself go this week and it shows on my blog as well. I was feeling so much better off of all those medications and these negative symptoms hit when I went back on them.

Joyce asked me this morning, "Are you sure your taking your meds?" I replied yes, and it was interesting how she can pick up the cues to my not doing well when my family doesn't. I just feel blah and all I want to do is read and write, and even writing grows belabored and hard at this time. I literally will not move out of my computer chair all day only to use the bathroom.

Maybe I should just learn to live with them. I have no answers as to why they hit me. Part if has to do with feeling defeated and less of a man through all I've experienced this past year. I tell myself all throughout the day that I could be in Prison Pete's predicament: In Jail. I have the choice of walking out in the cool fall air. To enjoy the thunderstorms coming through this afternoon on the footsteps of a cold front. The freedom to do what I want as long as it doesn't involve money.

I don't even know why I am writing this. I just want to find someone else who understands I guess. That there is not something terribly wrong with me that makes me so less of a human being. I wish I could roll back the clock of time to my youth. There are so many things I would do different. I would have never gotten on disability, forcing me to continue to work. I would have never drank that first bottle of wine when I was fourteen. I would have stayed married and saw about my ex-wife, a sober husband, and not the drunken and crazy lush I was. I would have finished college and quietly taught music classes to grade schoolers for the rest of my working days. I woulda, coulda, shoulda. That seems the theme for my life so far.


cyotteeflower said...

Your lack of a job does nothing to make you less than. The loving caring and compassionate person makes you much more than. I do understand because I feel utterly useless some days.Then there are the days that my grandkids want to come stay at my house or my daughters need them to stay at my house and I know I have a purpose after all.
Keep the chin up buddy,you are a wonderful and much needed human!
Oh, and if you go private you best not forget to add me. =^..^=

Portia said...

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
-George Eliot

best wishes for your afternoon! -me

justLacey said...

You can still do all those things. You have to want to though and I fear youre mental illness keeps you from doing so. Everyone has coulda, shoulda, wouldas in their life.

madamspud169 said...

I wish I had some highly effective wors of advice or comment for you but I don't. I've only ever suffered from depression and an eating disorder the problems you grapple with are out of my limited experience.
I can say that you are someone I would have been proud to know, someone I would have liked as a friend in the real world.
I think you are a person worth knowing and even admiring. A strong person and a person who has many good qualities and a wonderfully warm heart.

Ryan said...

Everybody has already given the advice I would've conjured, but don't forget me if you go private :)

Irishcoda said...

I'm sorry you've got all the negative stuff weighing you down now. It happens to me too with depression and fibromyalgia. In an earlier post I saw a list of wonderful things that are going right for you at the moment and from what you've written about Joyce I know you are a good and compassionate person. So I'm hoping that the negatives will abate and give you some relief, enough so that you can focus on all the things going right at the moment. Hang in there!

Barb said...

Not gonna beg, but take me and you wont regret it! lol

Amidst your personal termoil, find the plethera of friends on the banks of the river, cheering you on, loving you through all that you battle in the recesses of your heart and mind! Know that through everything you are not alone. God is also in your section cheering for you.

Rest, and find peace,

C. R. Morris said...

I know barely anything about medications and such, but I can tell when another human being is reaching out for anything that will change his life. I also realize that many have said this in the past, seek God. I know it sounds like a huge fairy tale, having a God that loves us and is all powerful. Able to change lives with a single thought. But it's true. I heard a pastor speak this past Sunday about Thanksgiving. Wake up being thankful. Before your feet hit the floor, thank God for something. It totally changes the mindset of the day. I tried it and found it to really work by bringing my life into perspective. As for the meds, it seems that you were better off of them than on them? Can you find another doctor? One with no ties to your father? Something is nagging at me that you need someone to look at you for the first time, to listen to you and start from the beginning. And maybe I'm over stepping my bounds, but you need a new pharmacist. I hate to see you unhappy. I'm praying that you will find some answers and find them soon. Please just give God five minutes right there in your chair and ask for His help. I'm not saying things will just change over night, but I am willing to bet that if you look back a year from now you'll be able to see where God has worked in your life. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and I'm praying for you.

KYRIE said...

I love the Elliot's quote Portia gave. It is never too late to be wht u might have been!
U know my late dad went to college at 30, he came out at 37 frm grad school. I was born whn my dad was 39.

It is never too late..U know how hard I am trying to go back to college. I am so self conscious competing with teenagers but I realize I must not care about age and all.
I gave up on everything, on my dreams, on myself, early this year, locked myself inside my house for a month, and thought nobody is gonna care even if I died.

And that was not the first time it happened. When I had to drop out of HS years ago, I never thought I will be going back.
And the qualms now of if ever I will go back to college still hits my guts right in the middle.And I will start crying for hours. If I see my old classmates so successful, I will get even more depressed. They dont even have the time or day for me nowdays

I did give up on everything for a very long time, but then something hit me, I only have one life to live. Should not I try working on chasing those missed opportunities my family keeps saying I am getting too old for?

Andrew, it is never too late for you..
We all deserve to seek out our 2nd chances.

Seems like I am blogging at ur blog. Sorry! I hope sth I wrote here is kinda inspiring for u my dear friend!

Mike said...

Andrew, you are in my thoughts and I hope you feel better. I can relate- I too have schizophrenia, and when the negative symptoms are at their worst, I feel so depressed and unmotivated. I spent months just laying on the living room couch, hardly watching any television, just staring at the pictures hanging on the walls. I remember thinking “the only thing I’m good at is smoking cigarettes.” It was demoralizing.

Gradually my mental state improved (facilitated by a switch in medications) and the negative symptoms lessened, although I still struggle at times with getting motivated to go out and participate in activities.

Just hold on to your little joys and know things will get better. And remember you are not alone.

Best wishes,


I like you just the way you are...the hiccups and's what makes you gentle and kind!! You're the type of person that I'd welcome into my home at any notice! If neighbors, I'd share a cup of coffee with you, or a conversation until however late you needed it.

More blessings for today.
did you get the camera back?? I hope soo!!!

Kelly Jene said...

I wish I could hug you. You are no less human than the rest of us. I think we all have regrets, I know I certainly do.

I like your growing beard... same color as my sons hair! Please, if you need to talk, email me or contact me on IM... I'm on yahoo and msn.

Chandira said...

I wish you and I could sit and drink tea and have a good long conversation somewhere. I have so much to say to you. SO much I wish I could download from my own head and heart into you, for you to feel and know, about yourself, about life, about all of it. But most of all I wish I could give you some light at the end of the tunnel. It IS there. I promise.

Just sit for a moment, and see if you can feel all that I'm transmitting to you right now.


Blue Gardenia said...

I have negative symptoms too Andrew. I fight as hard as I can against them. Everyday I force myself to shower and shave and put on good clothes when I go out to do errands. Doing drudgery, like raking leaves for hours, is horribly daunting and painful with psychotic and/or negative symptoms. But I force myself to some degree of success. Other times you just give up.I understand all of your symptoms and your dislike for the horrid psychiatric drugs.

kristi said...

Hang in there, I love reading your blog and looking at your beautiful pictures. I think you should sell them!