One of hardest aspects of dealing with schizophrenia is the negative symptoms -- symptoms such as depression, flatness, and apathy. I am caught in the throes of such symptoms right now. I haven't had a shower in a week (just simple sponge baths). I am growing a beard to large protests from my family (I just don't feel like shaving). It takes all I can muster to go out of the house and to throw on any old clothes lying around. I have really let myself go this week and it shows on my blog as well. I was feeling so much better off of all those medications and these negative symptoms hit when I went back on them.
Joyce asked me this morning, "Are you sure your taking your meds?" I replied yes, and it was interesting how she can pick up the cues to my not doing well when my family doesn't. I just feel blah and all I want to do is read and write, and even writing grows belabored and hard at this time. I literally will not move out of my computer chair all day only to use the bathroom.
Maybe I should just learn to live with them. I have no answers as to why they hit me. Part if has to do with feeling defeated and less of a man through all I've experienced this past year. I tell myself all throughout the day that I could be in Prison Pete's predicament: In Jail. I have the choice of walking out in the cool fall air. To enjoy the thunderstorms coming through this afternoon on the footsteps of a cold front. The freedom to do what I want as long as it doesn't involve money.
I don't even know why I am writing this. I just want to find someone else who understands I guess. That there is not something terribly wrong with me that makes me so less of a human being. I wish I could roll back the clock of time to my youth. There are so many things I would do different. I would have never gotten on disability, forcing me to continue to work. I would have never drank that first bottle of wine when I was fourteen. I would have stayed married and saw about my ex-wife, a sober husband, and not the drunken and crazy lush I was. I would have finished college and quietly taught music classes to grade schoolers for the rest of my working days. I woulda, coulda, shoulda. That seems the theme for my life so far.