Monday, November 12, 2007

Nascent Memories...

My most pleasant memory of Rosa was us lying in bed together, talking and laughing. Sharing our memories of our days. A simple "I love you" could turn into an hour long conversation. Beautifully simple, yet so profound. I miss that! I miss that waking up with a warm soul beside me and having enough companion purpose to cook breakfast for two in the morning.

I heard from Rosa last night. It was a short and terse conversation -- nerves frayed as we fumbled through a conversation.

"Do you miss me?" she asked me after a quiet spell of awkward silence. I tensed up, but poured my heart out.

"I miss you very much," I replied. "You know I still love you."

"I wish things could have been different," she said, solemnly.

"Why did you call?"

"To hear your voice. To know you are okay. I've been drinking some wine tonight and it makes me miss you."

Drunken call, I mused. I had noticed the slur in Rosa's voice. I had often called long faded girlfriends from the distant past when drinking. Alcohol removes your inhibitions. Makes you miss what you don't have. It makes you think years of time haven't passed. Bad memories erased in drunken bliss like the chalk from a chalkboard.

"Do you think we can get back together someday?" she asked.

"Get back to me on that when you are sober in the morning," I said. "You will feel differently. I just know you. You have your granddaughter to take care of now and should concentrate on that."

Another uncomfortable moment of silence. Strained, we sat there holding our phones as the seconds ticked slowly by like a fly trapped in amber oozing. Excruciatingly awkward.

"I've got to run," she then said. "I'll be thinking of you. I miss you."

I said goodnight and hung up the phone with a click. I sat for the longest time on the couch with a blank stare as Maggie preened beside me -- emotionally bereft. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel sad. I was just there. Tired. Confused. It actually felt good to have some emotion even if it was simple and not profound, and I longed for it and so wanted it -- longing to cry my eyes out. To feel the wild swing of feelings and emotive outburst that come from such an encounter. Rosa always complained about my lack of feeling and emotion -- blunted by the myriad of psychiatric drugs I was on. She often called me "the robot" in a playful and picking way.

Soon, I felt as if I were awakening from a deep, long slumber. A tear finally erupted. I felt human again. I felt alive. Raw. I smiled as a salty tear ran down my cheek and hung in the corner of my mouth. I wiped it away and licked my lips to the taste of sodium. It was an awakening from a long psychiatric induced slumber brought on by the nascent memories of a love lost.


Diana said...

This is sad. I have HAD and MADE those calls in the past. You always think you will feel better and you just feel worse. Be kind to yourself today and keep the faith.

justLacey said...

I agree with Diana. Those calls usually make you feel worse. None of mine were made aftr drinking though as I don't drink alcohol so maybe that isn't the reason she called. She probably needs a friend more now than ever if she has to raise her grand daughter. Life is weird.

Shelly said...

You write beautifully.

I feel for your sadness, the loss, the wanting of things to be different... who of us haven't been there?

Thinking of you and sending you much love & light :-))

Cheryl said...

I've often wondered about Rosa. For so long it seemed like you were the perfect pair. In reality, few things are perfect. I hope one day you can be friends again.

I'm ready to start my day. Right now it's drizzling and gray. It should warm up to 60 pleasant degrees.

BTW, I did go outside before bed to gaze at the stars. I looked up only to get rain in my face. I had no idea it was raining! Surprise!!

abbagirl74 said...

Oh sweetie. I know you must miss her terribly. The picture is a good one. That woman has the most beautiful eyes.

I hope she is doing alright. But, sometimes you just have to move on. That's life.

Keep your head up and a smile on.

Luna said...

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I'm glad you were able to feel your tears...but don't beat yourself up, you are a guy and guys naturally hide feelings easier to be numb than to feel hurt-don't worry, that's perfectly normal. (at least in our house it is)
I remember those morningS after a drunk dial...but I will tell you this, A drunk or (rather buzzed) "mans" words are a sober "mans" thoughts.

She loves you. She cares about you. She just feels that right now isn't right for you both-but that doesn't mean right now can't happen in the future!!
Keep up -you're on day 12!!!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I think you handled the phone call perfectly. And I'm glad you were able to "feel" the sadness. Not all grief is bad.

impromptublogger said...

I'm sorry about the phone call and how heart-breaking it was. I remember my ex calling me to see how I was and all it did was make me feel worse too.

I hope some time in the future you can work things out with her - don't give up hope yet. Sometimes it's just bad timing.

Bridget said...

I'm sorry you miss Rosa. I agree with Impromptublogger in that this may just be a temporary case of bad timing. I went through something similar with my boyfriend. He gave me the "I need space" talk, which I took badly. He then called me a few days later to apologize for hurting me. That phone call made me feel worse than if he had not called. However, it did open the door to further communication -- which made me understand his headspace -- and we're now putting things back together again. I also agree with a previous commentor that drunk conversation is the equivalent of sober thinking in terms of truth. I always tell people NEVER to ask me what I think when I'd been drinking because they may hear unintentional truth! The fact that Rosa called you tells me that she does miss you. Her pride when sober just won't let her tell you. Why not write her a letter or send her a note...and then let her make the next move? I'd enjoyed reading about your relationship and thought you were good together. It's worth a shot to get her back in your life.

Anonymous said...

YIKES u have poor taste !! she looks like some ghoul in a haunted hose! u can do better than that!

jane said...

i think rosa is beautiful in every way, andrew - don't let the comment above bother you.

i have a feeling you'll find your way back to each other.

you're in my thoughts every day. your post above joyce today was beautiful. you are capable of great empathy - more of us shoudl be so selfless and giving,

johnandem said...

such a beautiful post Andrew, thankyou for sharing

Lynette said...

I am sorry about you and Rosa not working out, but things change and who knows who is out there for you.

Kelly Jene said...

Welcome back to your emotions!

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