Saturday, November 3, 2007

A Journey Daunted...

Walked back down to the convenience store a moment ago. I was so desperate and had 2 dollars and 75 cents to my name. It would have bought me a forty once of malt liquor. A cheap drunk. Daunted, I left thinking of my anxiety attacks and walked down to the shopping center. I missed Clara. I missed Rosa. It made me think of young Derrick in our A.A. meetings when he said he drank because of pain.

"I got a gun and was going to rob the convenience store," I remember him saying one meeting. "Anything to escape the pain of my life and my alcoholism. I was hoping a cop would shoot me and put me out of my misery."

He started going to A.A. and became a different man. So sure of himself and caring of others. His brother stopped him on that cold and dark night -- a night that turned around his life -- a night that almost ended in disaster.

I walked by Clara's old homeless sleeping spot behind the dollar store and the Korean restaurant. Crumpled old empty packs of cigarettes and a healthy collection of beer bottles greeted me. I need to drive down to see her -- to know she is okay.

I came home and called my father. He was at the Auburn game and was about to walk into the stadium.

"I love you and War Eagle," I told him.

"War Eagle!!!" he replied with a resounding air to his voice. "I love you too."

We talked mainly of football and it was good to hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me how proud he was of me subverting yet another drunk. He didn't. I didn't tell him. I didn't want to burden him with yet another problem. I come and burden you all.

My neighbor, Joyce, is mentally ill. She is having a terrible time this weekend. I need to go over and see about her, but I am afraid of what I may find. She acted extremely strange yesterday when I talked to her. I wonder if people feel the same with me? Eggshells is the word that comes to mind. I am so afraid of bothering her when she is feeling ill. My father alluded to her illness over the phone, but couldn't tell me the specifics by law and being her pharmacist.



hmm, well, when you're having one of those rough patches with your illness how would you like to be treated? Perhaps whatever answer you'd prefer is what you should extend to Joyce.

Your dad? Ahh, yes, catch them when they're about to embark with their love and passions such as football and things are good. I know you want something from him verbally, to give you reassurance, but you have to get that from within you. Unfortunately what I'm learning about in life is that I can't expect people to always give me what I'm emotionally seeking..I could always tell them what I need, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you the way you'd treat others. Annoying, I know..but I'm certain your dad has his own unique ways of showing he loves you and cares after a disagreement..such as by him saying he loves you like he did today.

Hang in there Dear Andrew! I love the new look!


P.s. How's that water diet?
ANd I hope I didn't offend you by the unsolicitated advice, but there are some parallels to the dad that you have as I with mine..and I know what would have been helpful to hear when I would grow tiresome of my father's rather nonemotional ways..and controlling ways.
HAppy saturday!
P.S. where's the donation option? I liked that!! :)

Anonymous said...

You need to apologize to Rosa and ask her if you can take your relationship with her one day at a time. You need to take her on dates (a private picnic w/homemade food is affordable) and romance her (fresh flowers picked by you and love notes). Remember to take it slow and just date her for a while.

Also, I know you want a diversion in your life to keep you busy. With out a job this hard. I would suggest setting a strict hourly schedule for yourself. Something like:
6am-7:30am walk
7:30-8:30 breakfast
8:30-9 play with and walk dog
9-10 internet time
10-11 laundry and house chores
11-12 walk and visit neighbors
12-1 lunch
1-2 nap
2-3 walk
3-4 internet
ans so on and so forth

Finally you should apply for a job at a local gym so that you can have a membership. Working out would raise your self esteem and also take up a portion of your day.

In closing stop caring about what others think. If you are living right and doing right then you should not care what others think.

justLacey said...

I see you put up a new profile picture. I'm happy to see you sharing more of yourself.

Kelly Jene said...

We're proud of you, Andrew. I know its not the same. But we are.

With Joyce, she may need some company, a friendly face to see her through the day. This is where you need to check yourself and see if you will be okay with whatever you may see. If you are feeling great today, then go for it. If you aren't then it may not be the best choice for either of you.

(And thank you so much for your words on my story. It eased my anxiety over it!)

mapiprincesa! said...

The burden is only on those who chose to feel burdened. We *choose* to read you because we care about you and we realize that we all have our proverbial crosses to bear. Likewise, do not choose to feel guilty for feeling as you do. You are human, you have the right to feel all extremes of emotion.


Anonymous said...

Call Rosa....

Anonymous Boxer said...

"Anonymous" shouldn't be anonymous, those are some great suggestions.

I love,love the new look and look at these ads! Woot. $$$

Even more, I love that you called your Dad.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I am glad you called your Dad up to say hi, someone needed to end the cold war between you, and you did great! This will help to ease some of the anxiety you've been feeling. Rather than tell your dad about your avoidance of alcohol... show him... just keep avoiding it and staying sober, and in time he will come to notice. The important thing is that you do it for YOU, we will always be here to cheer you on!

mosiacmind said...

Hi...I know that I have been really quiet lately but have been wondering how you and the other bloggers that I read are doing. I hope to get back into the routine soon. October was rough and I am wondering if November is also going to be rough. Hang in there....I can relate to much of what you write

impromptublogger said...

I think some flowers or something for Rosa would help - women like that. Good for you for resisting temptation...

Thank you for putting me on your links to visit list. That is really sweet, especially since I'm not the most interesting of bloggers.

Betsy said...

Was browsing and came across your blog tonight. I wish I could give you some bit of wisdom that would make everything better, but we both know that won't work. Just hang in there, Andrew. You've got lots of folks cheering you on.


"Alluding" to her illness, IS, breaking the law.

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kicking.and.screaming said...

yes u hav lotsa folks cheering u on. including sum chinese dude. :S lotsa love 4 u Andrew (by now,i gather thats ur name?!)

u kno.. u shld rite a book. u seem 2 b having very postive sucess wit ur recovery. it myt do very well. d world doesnt hav enuf of "Reality" anymore. remember dat other guy-James Frey- who also rote his story. i think urs will hav a happier ending than his. and make for much more encourgaing reading.
all the best. God is blessing you and will bless others thru u.