I feel mixed up and out-of-sorts this morning. I spent a long time sitting down at the shopping center at daybreak, drinking cup after cup of coffee from my thermos. I had a lot on my mind as I thought of Rosa and the whole general issue of us.
We had planned to move in together, and then Rosa got Allyssa. I didn't feel comfortable with kids in the house and being a shack up dad. Those plans were postponed indefinitely. Last night, Rosa brought the subject back up now that Allyssa is back with her mother.
"Do you think us living together would work?"
"No," I replied. "I think things are fine the way they are."
A pout of a look overcame Rosa's face when I said that.
"So you don't want me to move in?"
"Not unless we are married," I replied. "The whole subject just makes me uncomfortable so let's drop it."
I have no intentions of getting married again either so it was a moot point. I am pretty comfortable in my new bachelor lifestyle and want it to stay that way. Rosa can just pout with me. It's not like we are even back together again anyway. Once bitten, twice shy as they say. My heart has been broken enough for one year. I just have no desire to date, or get into another committed relationship. Friendship will do just fine for the time being, and that is what I want to keep Rosa: a friend.
I have recently discovered online AA meetings. There was a midnight meeting last night and I sleepily sat at this computer and read as the meeting progressed. The ability to type needs to be a prerequisite for people sharing in those meetings, though. Nothing is more laborious than watching someone painfully peck out a reply or moment to share. I found myself blowing and rolling my eyes all throughout the meeting. I felt more aggravated after the meeting than before, so I think online AA meetings are on hiatus for the time being. There is just no substitute for taking your warm body to a meeting hall and seeing people face to face.