Wednesday, November 28, 2007

An Empty Heart, Devoid of Love...

I feel mixed up and out-of-sorts this morning. I spent a long time sitting down at the shopping center at daybreak, drinking cup after cup of coffee from my thermos. I had a lot on my mind as I thought of Rosa and the whole general issue of us.

We had planned to move in together, and then Rosa got Allyssa. I didn't feel comfortable with kids in the house and being a shack up dad. Those plans were postponed indefinitely. Last night, Rosa brought the subject back up now that Allyssa is back with her mother.

"Do you think us living together would work?"

"No," I replied. "I think things are fine the way they are."

A pout of a look overcame Rosa's face when I said that.

"So you don't want me to move in?"

"Not unless we are married," I replied. "The whole subject just makes me uncomfortable so let's drop it."

I have no intentions of getting married again either so it was a moot point. I am pretty comfortable in my new bachelor lifestyle and want it to stay that way. Rosa can just pout with me. It's not like we are even back together again anyway. Once bitten, twice shy as they say. My heart has been broken enough for one year. I just have no desire to date, or get into another committed relationship. Friendship will do just fine for the time being, and that is what I want to keep Rosa: a friend.

I have recently discovered online AA meetings. There was a midnight meeting last night and I sleepily sat at this computer and read as the meeting progressed. The ability to type needs to be a prerequisite for people sharing in those meetings, though. Nothing is more laborious than watching someone painfully peck out a reply or moment to share. I found myself blowing and rolling my eyes all throughout the meeting. I felt more aggravated after the meeting than before, so I think online AA meetings are on hiatus for the time being. There is just no substitute for taking your warm body to a meeting hall and seeing people face to face.


Cheryl said...

Morning Andrew,
I didn't read your blog last night, so I just caught up. I think you're smart to take it one day at a time with Rosa. That's true of life in general, huh?

One day I'll get a camera with manual settings. It's been a 'want' for a long time. I'd need to take a class, though, but that would be good. Stretch my mind a little. Your pictures are so good and will only get better. I think it's the perfect hobby for you.

It's time for me to move along. I'll be stopping by the library on my way to work. It's Wednesday and I'm off tomorrow. Yes! I am going to the dentist though...I'm still having a problem with my teeth. Anyway, I hope your sky stays blue and your day is happy.

Barb said...


I always thought that online AA meetings were void intimacy that an AA meeting relies on for it's success. I am glad you were able to discern that, and that you hunger for exactly one of the components of AA that work so beautifully. Snuggle up to a meeting, and be filled with the knowledge that others provide.

Your strength is what amazes me about you.


darla said...

Andrew, I think you made a wise decision about Rosa moving in. Just my thought on the subject, but of course I don't know everything. ha!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I think you are very wise to know that you need your space. You can always change your mind.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I've heard others say the same thing about online meetings, Andrew. For some it works great, but sharing that way can be tedious. I think you are very wise in your response to Rosa, living with someone 24/7 isn't easy in the best of situations. You have a great friendship going, and if it works best for you that way, stick with it!

cyotteeflower said...

I remain confused about what happened to your love for Rosa...maybe I missed something or there is a hunk of the story you didn't share.I like the idea of you in love but trust that you know what is best.

SOUL: said...

hey there my brotha----

first i want to thank you for your kind, but obviously, no possible at the time offer of helping me move. i am sure you would if you were closer---and i do appreciate that. so thanks.

and i am with you on the online meeting thing. i think they work as a lst resort--- but as a first or only resource i think it is a set up for failure. i think it does grow tiresome quickly, and that the human interaction is best.

as for the Rosa situation... only you know what is best for you.. but from the sound of only what i read here i think you did what is best--- at least for now.

happy Wednesday...

Sharyna said...

I don't think that you and Rosa should live together. She should not give up her place. Everyone should keep their own place in case they need to go away.

Hubby Fred was remarking on the beauty of your snowbells. Is there a way that you could send me seeds? I can't seem to find them here in CA.


Kelly Jene said...

I've chatted with slow typers before and it can be verrry tiresome. I can't imagine actually trying to get something out of it.

I hope Rosa comes to understand your decision. You have a good idea of what is working for you and you need to do what is best.

Take care friend!

Summer said...

You're doing the smart thing about Rosa. Far smarter than I have been.