I'm too tired to write anymore tonight. It has been a busy day full of activity. I will leave you all with a snippet of an email I sent a dear and beloved friend tonight. That way you can all know how today went.
Rosa came only for a short while. Allyssa played with Maggie the whole time much to my relief. I can be so aloof and uncomfortable around kids, and feel like I am confronted by the bully on the playground all over again. My childhood wasn't a pleasant experience and maybe that is why. It dredges up too many painful memories best forgotten.
I am concerned about Rosa's drinking. It will only lead to her using drugs again and then things really will be bad. For her and for that child. Rosa is fragile like me. She's always drank moderately despite my own misgivings about it. I never thought she was an alcoholic, but am starting to wonder. Rosa is like me. We can't do things in moderation. It is all or nothing -- common with people with substance abuse issues and mental illness. And Rosa is mentally ill. I just never wrote about on my blog wanting to put her in the best possible light. She was my lover, and my confidant. And I wanted everyone, including my readership, to love her as well. Love makes you turn a blind eye to your partner's worst foibles. And I did so love her deeply. I still care about her, but kind of keep a reserved distance these days -- preferring my quiet little bachelor life filled with my simple passionate pastimes of photography and writing.
I'm babysitting tomorrow to give Rosa a break. I got mom tonight to run with me to the dollar store before they closed (I am still without money) and we bought some crayons and coloring books to keep Allyssa busy. Maggie just adored her much to my relief. My pup had never been around kids that often. I am nervous about it though. I am scared she might get homesick, start crying or screaming, and I wouldn't know what to do. Give her some candy? I still have some left from Halloween that I have been slowly causing to dwindle with my constant craving for Reese's peanut butter cups and something sweet.
Joyce's supper was delicious! I was surprised. She even had dessert -- an apple crumb cake. She gets so lonesome much as I do. She didn't want me to leave and I stayed, sitting on her couch and talking for a good hour after supper. I insisted on washing up, but she wouldn't let me. Her kitchen was a mess and looked like a brigade of burly, manic dwarves had marched through on a cooking and eating binge.
Joyce's house is like stepping back into the sixties as well. Everything has that 50's and 60's art deco feel to it with turquoise counter tops. Pine paneling. Green carpet that is decades old. She is on a very fixed income, much as I, and can't afford to remodel it. She apologized over and over about how her house looked so old. I told her I thought it was warm and charming, and it was. It reminded me of the summers I would spend on my grandmother's farm. Hers had that same fifties and sixties feel and look to it.