Friday, November 9, 2007

Drama I Shied Away from Writing About...

"You're going to end up in the hospital," my father hollered at me last night. "You are just crazy as hell."

I had refused to take the plethora of medications he hands me every night. I am tired of being drugged up. Feeling flat and blah. Sex-less. I've come to the conclusion that I would rather be crazy than to feel such a way any longer.

"I'm cutting off your internet," he then hollered as he stood in my face holding that handful of medications. "What are you going to do then? Sit in this house all day with nothing to do? You don't have any money."

Thanks to my father I don't have any money. It will be the 31st of December before my first ad checks come pouring in.

"Fine. Cut it off," I said. "I will find a way of getting it cut back on."

I was calm, cool, and collected. I didn't argue with him. He finally went storming out of my house slamming the door so loudly that a picture I had hanging above my piano fell off the wall. His last words were... "We're not having anything to do with you un-medicated."

The most striking thing to me about last night was that I weathered this storm without a panic attack. I have felt so much better coming off all those medications. My only symptoms are extreme compulsiveness and a twinge of paranoia. I drank over 24 regular Coca-Colas yesterday proving my Luvox did work when I took it. I am drinking coffee today having run out of Cokes and my family will not buy me anymore. Imagine that. Imagine not even being able to run to the store to buy a simple Coke. I spent the last of my money on a cup of coffee as I talked to my clerk friend this morning. I think I have 75 cents in my car for coffee tomorrow.

15 comments:

Anonymous Boxer said...

!!!!!!!!!! Do not stop your medications cold turkey!!!!!

please.

Ryan said...

I agree with Anonymous Boxer. Suddenly cutting off your medication can't have good consequences, surely?

KYRIE said...

Andrew,
Can't both of u sit down and talk it through? U could start by saying, "Please dad, I really need to discuss my worries with you."

Maybe u, ur doc, and ur dad could discuss it together as well, ur dad cant be shouting then.

I am thinking, I am entirely guessing here, ur dad is really strict about ur meds maybe because he felt if they could hv found about the schizophrenia earlier in ur teens, u would have gotten better treatments and need not to have gone through so much sufferings. Hence, I am guessing he might be feeling a bit guilty even for not being able to help u whn u needed him the most in ur confused younger days.

I wish u well dear friend, and I feel for u about the coke thing. I am addicted to Pepsi myself.

Thanks for stopping by yesterday. I am still feeling kind of blue today (:.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Well, I've already shared with you how I feel about this, Andrew. So I'll just say that I noticed the new Sobriety Counter in your side bar - it's a wonderful addition! It proves that you are very capable of making wise choices for your life, it is important that you make them based on sound information and not emotion. Please contact your doctor about medication changes, I care about you too much to see you playing with fire.

impromptublogger said...

While I am pleased that you are sober, drinking that much caffeine will definitely make you manic!!!! Not to mention the effect on your heart and nervous systems. Please don't do that!

While we keep telling you to talk to your shrink about all of this I am wondering if maybe you do not have a regular shrink. I know you're in small-town Alabama so maybe there isn't anybody nearby? If not PLEASE PLEASE find somebody - maybe through Social Services?

Going between the two extremes - either being doped up by your Dad or going cold turkey can lead to major problems.

Sending prayers that you will find a way to resolve this. You know we all love you.

Thodgson said...

Hi Andrew,
I just found your blog yesterday and give you the big hats off for being brave enough to share all of this with the world. I honestly think that you are helping so many people here. You are helping the people without mental illness better understand the thoughts and emotions tied into this disease and helping people with illness know that it is ok to talk and support each other. And I am sure that some even read this saying thank God I am not the only one.

In an earlier post, referring to the meds, you mentioned that you would not take away insulin from a diabetic. i know that having to take these everyday gets tough. I personally am not sick but my Mother is and we have this discussion frequently. Talk to the Docs, talk to your brother, talk to someone about the consequences of coming off the meds cold turkey. Trust me when I tell you that it was not pretty when my mom did it. She attempted suicide spiraling down in a manic episode so quickly that it was only by the grace of God that we got her to the hospital in time.
Andrew, like I said I just found your blog yesterday. So, I am not trying to say that I know you, your entire situation or anything I just want to thank you for sharing your journey and I will pray for your safety and your health.

justLacey said...

I know that you think you feel normal when you go off the risperdal, but do you think that drinking 24 cokes in one day seems the norm? There were many times when I was working that I didn't have money to go out and buy something as stupid as a Coke or coffee because I had to pay bills with that money and I had a small child to support. We all have someone or something to answer to. I think what you may need is an impartial dr to help with your meds. If your father didn't come by an give them to you nightly, would you take even the ones you really need? Seems sort of a catch 22. Your father is scared you will begin to drink again or just be unable to function without your meds. He has enabled you to be able to drive and you know yourself that you drive even when you are drinking. Suppose you do and you kill someone? Not only are you responsible, but your father as well. My guess would be that he has more to lose than you do. Try and think this through and be more rational in your path.

Kelly Jene said...

Andrew, I'm worried that stopping it all so suddenly might harm you. But I am so glad you feel good. Be careful with the caffeine. It can harm anyone if taken in too much. I'm here and if you ever want to email, its my user name at hotmail dot com.

PipeTobacco said...

The following is a recap of what I said yesterday. I shall write more later this evening, but I think the following is still very valuable:

Sir:

Thank you for the mention in your writings of today. Please note however, that I did not suggest ALL your medications are inappropriate. The Risperdal Consta, which has been prescribed by your mental health physician, does seem to be very effective and helpful for you. I would urge you to take this shot at its required intervals.

My suggestion that your medications may be causing your panic attacks relates to the myriad of unoffical medications you end up taking... the pills your father gives to you that are NOT your officially prescribed medications from your mental health physician. These unprescribed medications are very likely the root of your sudden panic attacks.

Your father is a pharmacist... that does not mean it is appropriate for him to give you all sorts of medications outside of what you are prescribed by your mental health doctor. Also, it is not appropriate for him to alter the dosage of those medications that have been prescribed. He has done this on occasion when he has wanted to "dope you up" to sleep or some such thing.

So, in a nutshell, I would suggest you take all of the prescribed (by your mental health physcian) medications at their prescribed dosage, but ignore all the other pills and medicines your father wants to slip onto your list of drugs.

Have a great day, sir. Your friend,

PipeTobacco

Anonymous said...

I find it hard to believe any MAN in America would put with such infantilisation. Your dad wants to make a broken -down gelding , a pasty faced eunuch out of you! Is he insecure in his manhood or just trying to punish you for all the shame you've caused him? Perhaps he doesn't want you to give him a grandchild , fearing madness and moral weakness are genetic. Perhaps after helping build an ample closet for the family skeleton , he wants it zonked out so it will stay there and not cause any more trouble by boozing and cavorting with low-lifes.

Lynette said...

Like everyone else, I am concerned about this turn of events. I think there needs to be a visit with your Doctor with you, your Dad and everything you are taking. I agree that there may be stuff you should not and don't need to be taking, but you do need some medication to keep you on track.
Your Dad must be struggling with something. He seems to get upset a lot faster recently.

Tee said...

LISTEN TO PIPE TOBACCO!!!! You must see your doctor that has prescribed your meds and let me help you sort out this "mess". He is there to help you. I had a very close friend that had panic attacks caused by his meds he was on for a kidney transplant. LISTEN TO PIPE TOBACCO!!!!

Stuart said...

Wow, one thing I've come to recognize is that people express love by giving heartfelt advice - judging from the comments here so far, you have quite a following of loving fans!

The best to you, Andrew, in whatever you endeavor!

justLacey said...

To anonymous -
Mental illness is sometimes genetic. If you have read here before you would know that Andrew's father wants him to be able to live a normal life. Unfortunately it's hard enough to take care of yourself under these circumstances, much less try to raise a healthy and happy child. What are you thinking? Just because people have "rights" doesn't mean they should always exercise them. I hope Andrew and his dad can come to some sort of situation that is good for both of them.

... said...

It's fantastic that you're feeling better, but these things can be fleeting. Don't let your guard down against yourself, and if you start feeling not-so-good then please tell your family. Regardless of what your dad said I'm sure he loves you and wants to help you through your problems. Or, talk to your doctor I guess, like everyone above me said.