Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Brief and Intensive...

My neighbor, Joyce, had to go into B.I.T. last night. B.I.T stands for a local psychiatric program called Brief Intensive Treatment. I've been several times myself over the years -- their finest moment being the fine food they serve.  I stood out in her yard as I watched the paramedics take her away around midnight. I was worried and sad.

"She wouldn't be able to live here without you," her sister told me, standing next to me as the flashing lights of the ambulance lit up the neighborhood.

It made me feel good that I was doing something to help -- that another person's life was positively effected by my own. I just wish I could do more and keep her out of these damned hospitals.

Things have actually been well at home for me yesterday. I had a spell of paranoia where I thought the walls were watching me, and any movement made me jump. That passed, though, with laying in the bed.  Maggie has a knack for aggravating me during these times -- always jumping up on the bed to groom herself, or barking maniacally in the backyard. 

So many aspersions were cast my way yesterday that I don't even know where to begin. No, I am not living like a homeless person. No, I didn't pawn my camera for beer. It was already in my fridge. Yes, I was having a hard few days, and it just seemed people started to pile on me on my lowest moment in months. I am seriously considering making the blog private and to just invite a few friends. People I know I can trust, and who won't watch from the bandstands with sneering, unhelpful comments as I self destruct.

25 comments:

marykay said...

It is good you are there for your friends. I know blogging opens you up to a whole genre of people and their opinions. You just have to do what is right for you even if someone does not understand your reasons. Have a nice Thanksgiving. What are your plans?

philth said...

Hi Andrew

I've been quiet over the last few days in posting comments. I think what some people don't realise is that your blog is just a snippet of your life, and therefore much can be misconstrued about the reality of your life.

I truly believe that 99% of the comments, good and bad, come from people who genuinely feel for your situation - and want to help fix it in their own personal way.

I'm at fault in this in my personal life - if I see a problem, I over analyse it to death, trying to come up with a solution.

Stick with it, you have good 'friends' here (as much as we can be friends by reading your blog!).

And if your going private - take me with you please!! lol

Blue Gardenia said...

Andrew, I am sorry that you are having a tough time and that people are being mean also. I too am having it tough with Psychosis and trying my best to limit alcohol. I am having a tough time with the hyper religious thing too. I had to leave my railroad job. I feel as if we are two peas in a pod. But life is full of moments of sad beauty and we wouldn't miss that for the world.

simonsays said...

Today is a new day, we are only human. We just do the very best we can. I am sorry about Joyce, I'm sure she will be okay though. Will you be able to visit her while she is in the hospital?

Is there a meeting you can attend today? Maybe that would make you feel better. I hope you have a good day. :)

justLacey said...

If you choose to make your blog private we will certainly understand. Hang in there with Joyce. I know that she will be better soon.

Summer said...

I'm here, thinking about you, hoping that today will be better for you.

forsythia said...

Andrew,

A wonderful, honest blog. Don't take the aspersions to heart. You are doing a good thing here, sharing your inner world with the outer world. Your blog is a welcome respite from so many of the others that are full of profanity, nastiness, and ME ME ME. What comes through loud and clear from yours is that you are a sensitive and caring person. Don't stop writing.

Rhette said...

Andrew,
I hope today is better for you. I'm sorry to hear about Joyce. But as ill as she is, I'm sure she realizes that you have been there for her. And as difficult as your own days have been -- your heart has been kind & generous.

People have commented with nasty remarks lately. I wish they would take a moment to think before they post such cruel words that burden your heart. Any one of us could be in this situation or have we forgotten -- "There but for the grace of God go I."

Be good to yourself today Andrew, I will pray for you & Joyce ~

Rhette

Cheryl said...

Morning Andrew,

I'm taking some time to do some reading and writing this morning before the start of my last workday. Finally, it's Wednesday.

You know I hope today's a better one than the day before. That's what I want for you everyday.

Any plans?

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Thodgson said...

I am so happy that you were there for Joyce. She knows that you truly understand what is happening when all the lights flash. Take care Andrew and keep on keeping on for you and those around you:)

Jeannie said...

Hi Andrew!
I came aupon your blog by chance, looking for something good to read. And the moment I read what you had to say, my heart went out to you!! It is not easy to admit one is an alcoholic, but it is great wanting to get out of it, to love oneself in such a way that one wants to feel well.
I am looking forward to reading more about you... and will be reading the rest of your posts, which I still haven't, later in the day. A warm, tight hug from far away Argentina!!!!!!

amelia said...

When you only post snippets of your life, that is all people can comment on. If you are having a really hard time, no one knows unless you tell them, hence the comments.

Beautifully Profound said...

Very sad to hear about your camera. I really hope you can get it back. :( I thought it was something that would help you gain some focus and meaning to your days. Well anyway, hope todays better then the last couple. Please please PLEASE try and get your camera back.

KYRIE said...

Good morning Andrew! It has been a very cold day down here, my feet are freezing :)
I am sorry to hear about Joyce and I think u have been such a good friend to her.
Hope today is a better day for u and hopefully the Thanksgiving can give u some holiday cheer.
People who hit a man whn he is down are small minded, petty hearted people. They are not worth ur time and thought.

Take care Mr. Andrew. Happy Thanksgiving!

Barb said...

On this Thanksgiving Eve I hope that you are able to see before you what is plentiful and good. I see that you are held in prayer by many people here. Know that Joyce is also held in prayer for a quick recovery from that which haunts her this day. Be well, and congratulations for 1d7h24m5s!!! That is a celebration in itself.

B~

Shelly said...

Andrew I hope you remember that the vast, VAST majority of your readers and commenters feel nothing but love and respect for you.

Your blog touches people because of it's heartfelt warmth, honesty and humanity and provides inspiration and joy for so many of us, me included. It would be a shame to let a few judgemental idiots change that.

Anyway if you decide to take this private, please take me with!!

Joyce is lucky to have you. Keep your head up and stay strong :-))

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Here's to you my friend! I hope there's more smiles for you today!
If you want to go private, you have that right...it's your blog..it's ashame that people can belittle others so quick..yet fail to see their own issues in their lives. Here's to hoping you have a really good day!
Starting fresh is nice!
Always,
Crusty~

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Remember your Abbagirls John Mayer quote?: "I believe that my life's going to see the love I give returned to me. JOHN MAYER"

You deserve it too! You give soooo much love to everyone!
Always,
Crusty~

nameless to protect the innocent said...

I've thought about posting several times over the last few days.....thinking I would come up with some wise words that would turn light bulbs on and solve all of your problems.........but alas, I don't have those words....

everyone struggles....you have just chosen to make yours public....

you're in my thoughts.....

bonnie said...

Hi Andrew,
I check on you sometimes and I'm going to say hey and introduce myself now. I've been wanting to greet you at a time when I feel I can take the time to be a friend rather than just post thoughtlessly. I appreciate your issues and your boldness and the gift you are with your words...all of them. You make us all more human. You take some pretty wonderful pictures too. Please visit me. I'm already in your circle.

My World said...

Hi Andrew.
I know how tough schizophrenia is. And though I do not know what alcoholism feels like, I know from your accounts that it is horrible to not be in control of your self and stuff. If the courage that you have to speak it out here is amazing, the strength to keep going in spite of crazy inconsiderate people saying crazy stuff against you...I wonder what you are made of... I am really proud of you and feel happy even for your small victories as though they were my own! Keep going. Remember your story inspires a lot of people.
Thank you for writing. Don't quit.

Portia said...

I'm sorry Joyce is struggling so. I hope today is better for both of you.
:)

Kelly Jene said...

Sending out prayers for Joyce. I hope she doesn't have to be there long. Take care my friend.

Winnie the poohi said...

Hi Andrew,

This is the first time i am commenting.. though i have emailed you once of twice.. kindly do not make it private.. I get to read your blog.. you dont even know me.. but I still pray for you.. i guess may b you should moderate the comment and delete unwanted ones

Regards,

Meena