Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Belligerently and Blissfully Un-medicated...

"What got you so anti-medication?" My father asked me last night. "You used to want to take them, calling me for extra doses."

He was sitting on the couch watching The Weather Channel. The volume was obnoxiously loud. He usually ignores me when he comes over, preferring to watch TV.

"I just feel better. I felt so horrible for months. The panic attacks. The blandness. The flatness. The constant sleeping. A total lack of zest for life," I said as I got up to walk into my computer room to get my soda.

My father got up, followed me, and watched me closely, fearing I would somehow get rid of the nightly dose of 2 mg Risperdal he gave me which I agreed to take. It was humiliating and self esteem crushing.

"You've done so well for six months," he said, aggravated as we sat back down. "You're on a manic high. You are crazy. You are going to crash so hard and I hate to see it."

"I've actually been depressed," I replied. "I should know my moods and feelings better than you. I'm not interesting in anything, but blogging and writing. Before, I was barely interested in anything at all. You only see me for thirty minutes every night so how would you know my moods? I've written some of my most creative and emotional posts the past few days. I've been so passionate about photography and photo editing. I feel so alive. Vibrant. I don't want to be drugged anymore. I don't want to be a shell of a human being any longer!"

"I'm not going to argue with you. I just wish you would take your medications. You are really off your rocker."

"For you, or for me? You want to drug me up so I am pliable and complacent. Just like my mother!"

"I'm not arguing with you. You need your medications. Please take them," he said as he handed out that handful of vibrantly colored pills. I pushed his hand away.

"I'm scared of you," I said in a great outburst of rare emotion. "I'm scared of my own damn father! You make me feel terrible! You make me feel like a child! You only want what is best for you! And not what is best for me!"

"Now, I know you need to take your meds. You never talk back to me. What brought this on? You are so belligerent! We need to talk to your doctor, pronto."

I sat quietly as dad got up and came over to give me a hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Good night," he said, sadly. I locked my doors, turned off my house lights, and turned on my night light. I curled up in the bed to the soft glow of that light as Maggie slept soundly beside me, so relieved he was gone. I thought I would never feel that way about my own father, but I did.



I know, Dear Andrew, I know...and I know your dad loves you,even though it doesn't come across that way at times...it could be a control thing (Like I've mentioned in the past-and only because it sounds like my dad) or it could be out of guilt. Maybe he feels guilty..all in all things will settle down..they will!! All will be good soon.

Bridget said...

Andrew, the fact that your father got so ticked off at you proves that your observations and feelings towards him are correct and justified. And what you said to him, he needed to hear. While I don't doubt that he cares about you, I also think that, as you said, he prefers you medicated because you're easier to deal with that way. It's a control thing and NOT healthy. If he thinks that talking to your doctor needs to happen, then that's fine -- but I would also tell your doctor about all of the other extra stuff he's been forcing on you the last several months. That can't continue. A few days back, Pipe Tobacco suggested that you not go off your schizophrenia meds but that you stop taking your father's additions to the mix. I agree with that.

Stay strong.

Beautifully Profound said...

Did you ever think he may be the crazy one. He seems a bit patronizing and not even the sanest person would appreciate that.

I don't know, I never really had a close relationship with my parents so I wouldn't know what it was like to be doted over.

I mean he should be happy if you are functioning with out your meds.

Cheryl said...

I'm glad your father thinks you should see your doctor. Make sure your father prepares a list of all the medications you take. Talk to your doctor alone. This could be a good thing.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I am proud of you for being so honest with your father about your feelings, Andrew. Keeping my fingers crossed that the doctor will hear what you are trying to say and help you find some answers in dealing with your father. Do insist that you get to talk to him alone! Have a restful day, I am back to the Reception Desk for training - but there is light at the end of that tunnel at least. :-)

Anonymous Boxer said...

Go to your Doctor and speak to him alone.

Thodgson said...

being a loved one of one with mental illness I will say that your Dad is not perfect, but he loves you and ultimately wants what is best and safest for you. I do not think that it is because he just wants control over you and your mom i think it is because he has seen the crashes first hand and it breaks his heart when you crash because he knows that there is not anything that he can do to make things better. The medications are a necessary evil and will always be a fine tuned operation. If you are feeling like a shell of a human being you need to tell your doc so he can alter levels and/or types until you have the balance needed. The unfortunate truth is that once that balance is found over time your body will become accustomed and the levels will have to be readjusted. Thus this cycle is the absolute worst thing.. but unmedicated leaves you a danger to yourself and others. not intentional, of course, but if you get so emotional and worked up then get in the car you could have an accident - or just walking to the store for a cup of coffee could become dangerous if you become distracted and not see oncoming traffic. There are just so many things that all of the people that love and care about you worry about.
I pray that you keep being honest with your dad. He will not know how he is making you feel unless you tell him, but please try to be gentle about it. Like I said i honestly think he is trying his best to help but does not know how.....

Barb said...

I know you will do what is best for Andrew...You live with your father, and we don't~ Be careful and see your perscribing physician...He will advise you in the direction he wants you to move. Hopefully, you trust him!

Be well and strong,

Samantha_K said...

Well, I basically agree with everyone else. See your prescribing physician alone, and tell him what you told your father about the meds.
Best of luck!

justLacey said...

Isn't your dr a friend of your father?

madamspud169 said...

Honey, your father loves you and he does what he thinks you need to his best ability but we all have flaws, things we don't do quite right specially when emotions and mental illness are involved.
Many times I haven't entirely agreed with your or your fathers words and actions but I can see the reasoning of both sides.

You need to give you and your father some slack. None of us are perfect, we just do the best we can with what we're given.

I will be reading your blog whether you crash as your father expects or not.
You have friends and supporters here even if we are only online.

P.S You've been awarded a little badge thingy you can pick it up on my blog.

Claudia said...

Keep up the good work, as long as you aren't trying to PURPOSELY antagionize him I don't see why he would be so eager to pill you up. I applaud your honesty to him, he needs to hear that all the time. Im sorry its such a hassle dealing with one you love. Take care Andrew!

Lynette said...

I don't know if this is an idle question or not. Your Dad knows you blog. Does he read it? I read
my son't blog, it gives me a picture that I wouldn't have otherwise. You write so thoughtfully here, it could be a means of communication.

Portia said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can see how it must be terribly difficult for either of you to know the exact answer. As you said the other day, "psychiatry is vague and unexacting." I hope somehow you are able to find the right balance for you with the meds.

Kelly Jene said...

I have to agree with Cheryl. Seeing your doctor - alone - would be a good thing. Maybe he will see that you are doing well off the meds.