Thursday, November 1, 2007

All Hallows' Eve

It was a wonderful night of trick or treating. I passed out Reese's peanut butter cups I got my mother to buy for me. I ate my fair share as well. I got a lot of poor kids from the housing projects nearby. They seemed to appreciate the candy all the more. I was just glad to participate.

My father handed over all responsibility of me to my mother as "punishment." She now has to help me buy my groceries and come over every night to give me my medications.

"I don't mind doing it," she told me last night. "I love you."

I scoffed at the word punishment my father used. My mother is a grown woman and he needs to treat her as such.

"Your father gave me your check book saying it was my responsibility as well," she furthered.

I am actually glad my mother now has control of all that. She is a far kinder soul about such matters. I feel much more comfortable with her doing it. My father coming over seemed to exacerbate my anxiety attacks -- so worried he was going to attack me viciously about bullshit.

This morning I once again went for my walk. I know you all will grow tired of hearing about them. My life is pretty routine. I walked down to that favored park and sat as the sun came up. Beautiful oranges and yellows graced the horizon as the sun rose higher in the sky. The weather has been gorgeous lately if rather chilly. I then went by to see my favorite clerk at the convenience store, but he had already gotten off for the day.

I had the most wonderful dream of falling in love last night. It ended in tragedy though when I told the young woman I was an alcoholic and she spurned me. I spent the rest of the dream trying to woo her back to little success. I still woke up feeling well just having the attention of a woman for a few short hours. Another little joy to add to my list.

The anxiety attacks continue to plague me. I feel as if I am on the verge of another one every moment. I pray today is far kinder to me. I haven't been able to drive for fear of one and am ready to get out of this house. I miss my A.A. meetings and the camaraderie they instill. I miss Mrs. Mary and her rambling diatribes. I miss Sandy and her blunt manner. I even miss Billie who has to stand up every ten minutes interrupting the meetings.

My neighbor, Joyce, just came by knocking on my door. She brought me some cream cheese cake. Maggie went crazy as usual -- so excited to have company. She loves Joyce. I was so glad to see her and welcomed her inside. She could only stay for a minute having to go down to my father's pharmacy to get a prescription filled. Another little joy to add to my list.


Barb said...

Put the list of joys up on the frig, and see it everytime you walk passed or open the door for something to eat. Keep a pen close and use it to mark the joys that come to you, as you go about your day. I suspect that list will grow on the frig and in your heart.

Be well,

Anonymous Boxer said...

The great thing about a walk, is that it changes every day... so no, I'm not tired hearing about them.

I think the change in your routine will be good - it seems as if your Mother is more understanding. And, I still think your Father would benefit from Al-Anon.

Happy November, Andrew.

Andrew said...


That's a wonderful idea I might just try. I am willing to try anything.


I think dad would benefit from Al-Anon as well. Just getting him to go would take an act of Congress. He is so stubborn and set in his ways.

Thank you both for commenting!


impromptublogger said...

I am so glad you had a nice Halloween. It is good that at least your father realized he needs to step back for a bit and let your mother handle things with you. But yes, saying it is "punishment" is a rather degrading for her.

Hopefully things will be better since you won't be dealing with your Dad. Much less stress right now.

Ilene said...

I like how you are mentioning your "little joys". There is a hymn that talks about counting your blessings, naming them one by one. That is a good habit that reminds us that yes, things are pretty good after all.

justLacey said...

Might be a good thing your mom is in charge of your finances now. She understands your situation better and she does love you so what more could you ask for? I love Reese's peanut butter cups too. Our dog is named Reeses Pieces so you know it's true. We just call her Reese.

mapiprincesa! said...

1. Did you carve that awesome jack o'lantern? That is a dying art...

2. I am so sorry about your father. Stubbornness and refusal to grow-learn-educate oneself is a hard monster to have to face in others, much less oneself. Good for you, for trying to better yourself.

3. Joys...isn't it wonderful to be able to actually have joys to count? I like the list idea and, although I did my "top 10" on joys in my life a week or so ago in my blog, it is necessary to return and review all that we really do have...

4. "Normal" lives (in reference to your video blog) is a matter of interpretation and, of course, revelation/disclosure. We all have our wounds, our skeletons, our issues and our battles. Since we are all on Earth for such a short time, however, doesn't it just make sense that we should all hold each other's hands and make it as positive of a speck of time as we can for each other? Technology is a wonderful means to this end, in that we can reach out and virtually hold hands with those with whom such gestures would be geographically impossible.

Thank you for opening to us, for completing our lives, and for being who you are, Andrew. And keep talking...


Kelly Jene said...

Andrew, I'm so glad your mom is helping you now. I can't imagine my child being in need and not helping, so I'm sure she loves being there for you.

I, for one, love hearing about your walks. Have you ever thought of bringing along a tablet and pen to write down thoughts, dreams, joys, and maybe a story if one comes to you?

Take care and I'll be praying for no panic attacks.
Thanks for commenting by the way, it means a lot to me!

PipeTobacco said...


I am awfully damn glad your father decided to "punish" both you and her by having your Mom "take charge" of the situation. It seems like a much more workable and comforting situation to be in.

My only concern is... will it last? I tend to doubt that your father will be able to resist his compulsion to wrench back the control he has given up.

I am eager for you to experience the much greater sense of calm and relaxation you will have from your Mother's input and guidance.



ANdrew, I agree with Mr. Pipe...and may I ask please (and you don't have to tell) what the $14 was for? maybe for the halloween candy?? :)....He may be trying to pull the old fatherly "I told you so" when the things crumble around you and your Mom-prove it to yourself that you guys can do it!! :)
Crustybeef~ :)
Thanks for the comment today, I wonder what happened with that darned book mark!!

Summer said...

Every year when we go to the beach we see this man walking. He walks in the morning and in the evening and ends up at the pier for a snack and some coffee. This year I asked the guy that owns the beach service who he was because we see him every year. He said, "That's so and so, he's schizophrenic and just wants to walk. It makes him feel better and he's a good guy." So every day when I saw him walking I thought of you. I've hesitated to tell you this as I wasn't sure if it would offend you, but thinking of you while I was away made me smile. I'm hoping that having your mother in charge of your check book works out, but like Pipe, I'm afraid your father might not let it last very long. Barb has a good idea about the list on the frige, I think I'll try it too.

You're the third person that said they had weird dreams last night. Me included.

Sweet dreams tonight.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Delighted to read that you had some happy trick or treaters at your door Andrew! And even more happy to hear that your dad has turned over matters to your mother. I know she will be easier for you to work with, and she is more understanding of your situation. This could all work out for the best yet! I never tire of hearing about your walks, you always make them sound like such peaceful adventures. Walking was always my best therapy, I need to get back to it!

Portia said...

I'm glad the holiday was a good one. Sounds like a welcome change for your mother to be helping you out with your meds etc. I hope the anxiety eases up. I love to hear your list of joys, it grows more every day:)