Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Wishy Washy

I'm scared.  Scared of where I will sleep.  Scared of the police.  Scared Maggie will be upset, and Rosa is already irate with me.  I just can't do it -- to live homeless.  I had everything prepared and my sleeping bag in my car -- a box of food in my passenger's seat.  It was going to be a protest, but I chickened out.  I just want Rosa to come over and hold me till I feel better.  I want her calm and comforting words to envelope me. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight.  I feel so unstable and wasted right now.  I really can't take a lot of bullshit going on in my life.

I am going to try and get going tomorrow to look for a job.  I am scared there as well as I have a huge gap in my work history these past few years.  I have found that honesty is the best policy and will show that I have been on disability.   I've got to find some kind of middle ground -- a truce in this parry that happens often with my father.  I just don't write about it, but it blew to a head this weekend.  It is humiliating to have to ask for money like I am a child. 

I guess I will just try to work.  I have nine months to see if I can make it.  I realize my schizophrenia has really been showing on my blog these few days.  I usually try to hide it, but it can get out of control -- the impulsiveness, the impetuousness,  being rash in my thinking.  It makes me do stupid things and I have probably killed this blog because of it.  It has happened before when people grow tired of me and my antics.  There are just some things that are best not said or written in polite company and I have belabored my readership with a bunch of personal junk. 

I once told my father about my drinking...

What if you found something that made you supremely happy.  What would happen if no one wanted you to have it?  Would you take it?  Would you do anything to get it? Would you do anything for that moment of happiness?  I bet you would.

That is how I feel about being in control of my finances.  Being able to buy me the joy that a pack of cigars and some cokes will bring me.  It is like someone has taken away my manhood. 


Anonymous Boxer said...


I understand.

Windrider said...

Hate to be a downer but I think the working idea is a bad one too..

AS you just said: "I feel so unstable right now" let me tell ya Andrew, work is only going to intensify that feeling. You think you dad is bad, a nagging, angry boss is even worse. Especially when you now no longer have the disability income if you go to work. No life jacket anymore.. Talk about freaking out, and getting worlds of "I told you so's " from your dad.

Shit bro, as well as you write you need to finish the Hardscrabble book and get it to a publisher. Like NOW!!

Your career as I see it is writing, and you are gifted at it. Screw all this working class hero nonsense. Get to work on the book!! As an author you can stay in the safety and privacy of your home and keep relative anonymity.

While you might not see it when you are angry, you are a VERY lucky man to have the father that you do Andrew. He's like my old man in the sense that his way of expressing his love is to bark and growl.

But, if he didn't truly love you dude, you would be sitting in a nice house typing on a blog about the current "storms of life". You would more than likely be in a hospital, a prison, or a graveyard..

Go talk to him and make things right. The man is actually your guardian angel, you just need to step back and realize that.


eSadElBlOg said...

come on...cheer up!
I've been reading you for more than one year now, and I'd like to continue! Say Hi to Rosa.
And for the money, I am 36 and get broke absolutely everymonth!

R.E.H. said...

Been there too, Andrew. Where at the end of the month I had to borrow money of parents, friends and sometimes even neighbors just to be able to buy some cheap food to keep me going 'til the next check arrived.

It is hell.

But, in time you'll pull through, I'm sure. Don't go live in your car - that would just prolong the suffering.

While work may be daunting, I believe it may turn out to be a good thing if you find the right type of job for you - where you aren't subjected to too much pressure (pressure - am I right? - would not suit you).

Good luck, man.

Anonymous said...

Keep your head up Andrew. You have a great talent and mustn't ever give up on yourself... Love your blog, keep up the good work :-))

CJM-R said...

Just hang on to Rosa, and allow her to help guide you. It will be OK.

Lots of good advice here on these comments...

Sandy said...

I LOVE your blog Andrew and I wish you ALL the best no matter what you decide to do...or what you write on your blog! Be happy!

Summer said...

I am here for you, as we all are. I'll write more later.

Jbeeky said...

I love your blog Andrewe and enjoy all aspects of your writing. Your schizophrenia is a part of you and of course it will come out in your writing. Remember, this blog and first and foremost for you. A chance to write and release some of the workings of your brain. We are just along for the ride. I hope things get better.

Cheryl said...

You are not wishy washy, Andrew. You're going through a lot, and it's having a big effect on you. Look at all the friends you have here. And at home. I think everyone looks up to you. This too will pass, one day at a time. Good advice from your fellow bloggers in their comments.

Tomorrow's a new day. I hope it's better than this one.

Portia said...

I have belabored my readership with a bunch of personal junk.
Your blog certainly isn't the first to do that;) Try not to be so hard on yourself. You have a lot going on right now. I wish you well with all of it.

Kelly Jene said...

I'm glad you changed your mind. Keep pushing toward your goals.

Oh, and if you are writing a book.. sheesh, get to it! You're a great writer, I know I'd buy your book.

KYRIE said...

None of wht you write is junk dear Andrew.

Maybe if you find it hard to get your father to understand you, try writing him a letter, expressing what you feel, your fears, your hopes, everything u want ur father to understand. Of course, write it when you cooled down a bit. Just my humble suggestion :)

I understand wht you are feeling friend. Take care.

Dreaming Mage said...

When you are poor and disabled, you are not in control of your finances, they are in control of you.

Live with it! I do. It has nothing at all to do with your manhood.

You can have your cigars and cookies, and even your beer. On "payday" you go and get them. You enjoy them when you want. When they are gone, you don't get anymore until next "payday".

This is how it works.

I too am broke and disabled. This is how I live. It works.


Leann said...

We love every part of you Andrew, regardless what it is. It is all of what makes you "you".

You write so well, is it possible to make a living writing? Looking into doing a manuscript? Your words are so poetic and you make us feel as if we are there with you.

Just my two cents worth Andrew.

(((Hugs))) We're there for you always!!


Josie Two Shoes said...

I care about you, Andrew! It is easy to understand why you feel that your father treats you like a child. I wish that you could have someone else, IMPARTIAL, help you administer your affairs. I know it can be very overwhelming to handle it all on your own. I hope you can find some sort of compromise that is better to live with. You are not a child, you are a man!

Stacey said...

Just another thought on the job front... there are hundreds of college kids out there who need a proof reader. You can post free ads on Craig's List in areas that have a lot of colleges, offer to proof read their papers. They send them to you on line you proof them and return to them for correction. You can accept payment through PayPal so you don't get screwed out of payment. You have the freedom of doing as much or as little as you want, as others mentioned you can be paid under the table, and you don't have the fear or worry of co-workers or a boss.

You are a very talented writer and I've never seen a typo and I think I have read every post you have ever done. Finding a job as a writer when you don't have the capacity to go "cover an event" or interview people is pretty tough. Sure the dream is to sell your manuscript and I pray that come true for you, but you still have to eat before then, and odds are you wouldn't get an advance as a first time writer, you only get paid after it's published and they make all their money back.

Try the proof reading thing, wouldn't cost you a dime to try and it seems to fit your needs.

Lynette said...

The proof reading idea sounds like a good possiblility. I still think some kind of work will be good, but it shouldn't be too stressful. It seems positive that you didn't take off.

Anonymous said...

Hey dude, I know you have schizophrenia, but do you also have a multiple personality disorder? Just curious. You've never said that you do, but it sure seems like... maybe.
Hang in there, dude

PipeTobacco said...


If I could help you I would. The only thing I can give is advice, which you have to decide if it has merit or value.

I truly think if you pursued and finished making the needed paperwork happen to have an unbiased (and unrelated) third party administer your SSDI income, you would be far happier, and I also suspect your relationship with your father would be happier as well. Think of it this way:

1. You would not have your father's somewhat arbitrary decisions on how you can or cannot spend your money to deal with.

2. Your income would be more reliably predictable for you.

3. Your father would not be able to hold that income "hostage" so you do what he says to do.

4. Without that financial friction, I suspect your relationship with him could once again focus on the TRUE importance of the father/son relationship... love and respect... instead of ruler to minion.


Lily said...

Hi, Andrew,

I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now. I came across it quite by coincidence and was drawn in. My daughter is 17 and has schizophrenia. It first became apparent when she was 11. There is still so much we don't know about how to cope with it. I worry for her. She has dreams for herself, and I want to see her accomplish them, and I hurt for her when I see how difficult it is to just keep herself together when the meds don't completely hold the voices and the weirdness back. I'm so proud of her for continuing on each day when sometimes she'd like to just give up and be swallowed by oblivion. I'd be proud of her if a day ever came when she did give up, just because she made it as far as she did.

We're clueless, Andrew. Parents, I mean. We have our own fears and twisted thinking that, while it's nothing like what you and my daughter deal with, still have an effect on why we do the things we do. It sounds to me like your dad just doesn't want to see you back on the streets, and even if he's wrong to use the tactics he does (which I can't judge as right or wrong based on the little bit you allow us to see), he doesn't know how else to be. To you it feels controlling, and I can understand how it would feel that way, while to him it seems like the wise thing to do in order to help you. Sometimes our ways of helping do more harm than good. It's all a crap shoot, Andrew, even for those of us who don't have to contend with the kinds of challenges you face. We can only do the best we can.

I liked the advice one of your other commenters gave. Take advantage of what you have and write. I've been hanging around writers on line for years, and one of their biggest gripes is that they have to work a job they don't like in order to pay the bills and aren't able to put the time and energy into their writing that they wish they could.

Also, unless you can find a low stress job, I don't recommend going back to work yet. I thought of you today when I stopped at MacDonald's for breakfast. I'd hate to work there with all of the beeps and whistles, and my daughter can't stand being in places like that for long periods of time. It's especially bad when she has to be around a lot of people for awhile. She starts to stress, which sets off an anxiety attack, and it just spirals down from there. But I'm sure you know all that.

I know it's so very, very hard to try to find some kind of balance between doing what you know is best for you given your limitations, and building some autonomy and freedom for yourself. I have no answers, but I do offer you encouragement. You seem to have quite a good head on your shoulders and are creative besides. Nurture your talents the best you can. Let them lead you to your future. Take what is offered to you, and don't feel guilty for those things that are beyond your control.

Also, pipetobacco seems to make a good point about your finances.

My heart and thoughts are with you as you walk this road. You seem to have made great strides in trying to change the things that you can change in order to give yourself a better quality of life. Be proud of yourself for that Andrew. Be proud of those times when you've shown yourself strong. Not everyone could do what you're doing.


nomad said...

fast food is hell.
big difference between homeless-by-choice and no-income, no-family. been there, it sucks.
yeah, asking dad for money might be degrading but it beats the hell out of begging or blowing for the cash.
proofing or ghosting is a good idea.


I understand too! And am so proud of you for working through your impulsiveness. Your writings no matter what, are always something that I can take and learn from.
You're an inspiration!

Tee said...

Your writing is a outlet for you. Keep it up. As for the job, forget it! You don't need or want that stress in your life. Do everything in your power to protect your SSDI. It provides you with a home, food and transportation. I understand being broke--it's the pits, we all have to deal with living from paycheck to paycheck. Too often there is too much month left at the end of the money.