I'm scared. Scared of where I will sleep. Scared of the police. Scared Maggie will be upset, and Rosa is already irate with me. I just can't do it -- to live homeless. I had everything prepared and my sleeping bag in my car -- a box of food in my passenger's seat. It was going to be a protest, but I chickened out. I just want Rosa to come over and hold me till I feel better. I want her calm and comforting words to envelope me. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight. I feel so unstable and wasted right now. I really can't take a lot of bullshit going on in my life.
I am going to try and get going tomorrow to look for a job. I am scared there as well as I have a huge gap in my work history these past few years. I have found that honesty is the best policy and will show that I have been on disability. I've got to find some kind of middle ground -- a truce in this parry that happens often with my father. I just don't write about it, but it blew to a head this weekend. It is humiliating to have to ask for money like I am a child.
I guess I will just try to work. I have nine months to see if I can make it. I realize my schizophrenia has really been showing on my blog these few days. I usually try to hide it, but it can get out of control -- the impulsiveness, the impetuousness, being rash in my thinking. It makes me do stupid things and I have probably killed this blog because of it. It has happened before when people grow tired of me and my antics. There are just some things that are best not said or written in polite company and I have belabored my readership with a bunch of personal junk.
I once told my father about my drinking...
What if you found something that made you supremely happy. What would happen if no one wanted you to have it? Would you take it? Would you do anything to get it? Would you do anything for that moment of happiness? I bet you would.
That is how I feel about being in control of my finances. Being able to buy me the joy that a pack of cigars and some cokes will bring me. It is like someone has taken away my manhood.