I am kind of struggling with writing these past few days -- my mental illness playing tricks with me. My fingers feel as lead and typing is hard. The whole process of getting words into this computer has proved daunting. C'est lie vie as they say.
I have really surprised myself these past two days with really going beyond my comfort zone. I went to having nothing to do, to having full days. I want this to be a test for going back to work. I can't stay on disability for the rest of my life. I long to be a self supporting man and to be able to come home after a day's work feeling pleased with myself. Working is not like riding a bike. You lose skills over time and just a basic a skill as getting up to be somewhere at a prescribed time can be hard. I struggled this morning getting up to be at the Humane Society by eight. Eye lids heavy. Yawning furiously. I jumped in the shower and made my way to "work." It felt so good with something to do -- to have a purpose to life. Something I have sorely missed these past few years.
I was once under the delusion that I could make a living writing. That my blog would be discovered and lauded by publishing houses. Sadly, the stories of George and the gang dried up. Which I considered my best and most interesting writing. Life, just like the weather, changes. Old avenues are closed and new avenues are opened. I am going to be concentrating on real life and not just this blog now. I want to get married and possibly have some kids. I want to go on vacations to be remembered. I want Maggie to greet me after a hard day of work and to know I am supporting me and my cherub pup. I have so many wants and desires. I don't just want to be the mentally ill blogging dude.
I have also really gone out on a limb as far as my social anxiety is concerned. I have really surprised myself. Strangers. Volunteer Directors. Receptionists. Strange A.A. meetings. It has all gone to push my limits, but it is invigorating as well. To not be afraid anymore of everything and anything. To know I have the strength in myself to overcome my deepest fears. My own self would be shuddering in fear at my new persona.
Well, I have another A.A. meeting to attend tonight. I have actually felt so well these past few days that I am getting brave enough to look for jobs. Little signs in doors saying "Help Wanted" are so tempting! Let me get ready for A.A. and I appreciate those of you reading. Take Care!!!!