Thursday, October 4, 2007

Sunrise Walk

McDonald's was blissfully warm this morning after a long and chilly walk. Sat at a warm table in the back near the children's play area drinking hot coffee as I ate my sausage biscuits and hash browns. Workmen behind me in their work clothes, talking loudly and boisterously. I was glad just to be around others and their jubilant speech was contagious. I wanted to join in as if they were long lost friends I had rediscovered after many years absence. I sat with a smile on my face looking pleasant.

Felt shabby this morning and usually this would combine with my social anxieties to keep me from going out of the house. It reminded me of my homeless days: day old clothes, two days without a shower or bath, a day old shadow of a beard upon my chin and face. I felt grubby. Felt too shabby for even McDonald's, but my hunger for a breakfast affair spurred me on.

I realized this morning as I walked home to write this that I hate pity. I hate the way people wield it as a weapon. But just as much, I hate the way my mental illness takes my peace away and exacerbates that feeling of everyone with prying eyes and the perceived threat of everyone meddling in my business. My father, the gang, Rosa, my family, blog readers. They all want a piece of me and I grow so weary and tired. They won't leave me alone, not even for a minute, always there hounding me with their eyes, their expectations, their wants for me. Their all encompassing desire for me to conform to the established norms of society -- a society which I see as mentally ill and dubious at best.

My father stayed over for hours last night. Clara never showed -- probably too drunk to walk the mile to my house. My father thrust that handful of pills upon me, checking my hand, and then under my tongue to see if I took them. Humiliating! I wanted to cry out for help -- to escape the pressure my family puts upon me and their ever watching eyes -- eyes I have to conform too and put on a grand facade of mental wellness for fears of mental hospitals and more medications. Luckily, my father largely ignored me as he watched television in my den. I sat for what seemed like hours until he left and I collapsed in the bed exhausted to get a few hours of broken sleep.

34 comments:

rubberbandnomad said...

if you don't want to be pitied, don't act pitiful. cowboy up sunshine, you can do it.

are you falling in love with clara?

Anonymous said...

I read your page, since i found it.i identerfiy, watch the spelling,with your thought on normel what ever that is. my thoughts also,I personaly, dont think you want to be pitied, and you can love as maney people as you can respect. i am also, in the program. let go let god.jokea

Anonymous said...

As long as you are drinking that's how you're going to feel and I also have to agree with the above post.
Would you prefer to blog and be ignored????

Summer said...

I've never pitied you, only admired you for your tenacity. It is inspiring to me. But, if you feel that it puts pressure on you, for me to leave those sort of comments, I'll keep my mouth shut.

Summer said...

And I say that with a smile on my face. As we both know just how hard that will be for me.

justLacey said...

Well you could stop blogging or eliminate comments. That way no one will pity you and if they do you don't have to hear about it. Your family "meddles in your business" because they can't depend on you to take care of yourself. You seem to hate everyone that cares about you lately. I feel more sorry for them than you. Imagine what it must be like to have someone you are doing your best for loathe you.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

As you can see from the comments before me, your "hounding me with their eyes, their wants, their expectations" post struck quite a nerve with some of the blog readers.

I think it was a brilliant line! You ARE your own man, you ARE your own person who should always make his own decisions on everything. I can fully understand the emotion you are expressing.

If any of my recent comments about "moderation" fall into the category of the above, I apologize.

Your friend,

PipeTobacco

Eric Valentine said...

Well how times change, I can't believe that Rosa has been relegated to the position of "Meddler.

The way you are acting, you don't deserve a friend like her right now. You are getting to be quite good at dumping, people and justifying with your actions. Sorry my friend, but this is a sorry day indeed.

Anonymous said...

I think you are brilliant. You also help me have a better understanding of mental illness.
You are a great writer!
Your family cares and loves you. Thats all!

Eric said...

It is sad indeed when people feed what is an overactive mental condition. The "prying eyes", the "percieived threats of everyone meddling in one's own business," the "hounding with our eyes", which beyond their descriptive character, are simply the working out of a mental condition that breeds paranoia and negative thoughts. And yet, here we have comment after comment that express indignation at hearing the inner working of your addled mind. I apologize for my fellow commenters and I take no offense from your post as I see it
as just the flip side of the wonderful thoughts that you often posts that thrill all of your daily readers. We have to take the whole package when we take you into our hearts, not only the insightful, deep, wonderfully worded pleasant thoughts that flow so beautifully from your fingers, but also the negative, and sometimes seemingly mean comments.
Andrew, I appreciate you, all of you, just as you are. Keep it up, please.

Skotasma said...

I really like your style.

And I can completely understand your feelings. Sometimes you don't want anybody to "take care of you". Neither family nor friends. Most of the time you are glad they do - a day or two later.
That's what good friends and family are for, they care about you anyway.
Also I have to say that with me its often just pride that doesn't let me admit that they are right.

Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Skotasma

Barb said...

Andrew, I wish you saw how I look at you...Like an author at a book signing, wishing to get a moment of the Author's time. Or an athlete in the elevator, wishing to share a moment before he leaves, and the doors close behind him. I dont pity you, I meddle bacause you invite me to. If I offend you, I apologize for that!

B~

simonsays said...

Love always has it price. You will feel differently in a few days. Hang in there friend. xo

Anonymous said...

When you were seeing Carolyn, you felt sorry for Rosa. Then you fell in love with her and rescued her. Now are you doing the same thing with Clara?

Anonymous said...

Your pain is deafening.

Anonymous said...

Dude,
As a fellow addict, take my advice - stay away from the alcohol. It's only a temporary fix. But then you already know that, huh?
Regardless the type of addiction, the key is removing yourself from the temptation. Now is when you need more friends/family around you, supporting you and your emotional well-being.
This isn't meant to sound judgmental at all, and I mean that from the heart. It just hurts to see you reverting back to your old ways. I've been there and I know how hard it is to start all over again and again.
Stay strong, you can do it!

MICHELLE said...

dooood,
macdonalds?
lawl./

Anonymous said...

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Joshua said...

Yeah, this is beautiful, but why the hell don't you open yourselves to the hole world, you selfcentered fucks?

We, europeans, look at you as redneks, peseants whithout any sensibility towards others, fuckin'belicists!

WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU BASTARDS.

Anonymous said...

you know what i think? i think you like pity. you love the pitiful (your gang and now clara) and want to be like them. i don't think you want to be helped.
i feel sorry for rosa. she was a good friend to you, what happened? you'd now rather be with clara? ha! you two deserve each other!

Patism said...

You are absoloutely right about society being mentally ill. Don't ever give in to it.

VWD

pattycakes said...

i feel sorry for rosa , all she ever gave you was love and now you want to run from her , you want someone in your life and bed but run from it after awhile, which proves you should never get married or prob live with anyone
i hope you find out exactly what you really want out of life. because all the nosy people as you call them are really the ones who love you the most, and only want yu safe. i really think you need to stop playing around with the drinking , its not doing you any good. you cant only take one drink . i will pray you find some peace. maybe its time to let rosa get on with her life with someone who will want her around .

PipeTobacco said...

Wow:

All I can think is to go "harrumph" at a lot of the comments here. Very, very judgemental. Why?

In my neck of the woods, there ARE people who have relationships with more than one person.... it is not all that shocking here as it appears to be for some of the other commenters. Granted, I think Rosa seems a wonderful and kind person, but if Andrew feels the desire to slow their relationship and/or start another relationship... shouldn't we accept the idea that Andrew knows what is best for him?

Same thing goes for the drinking. Why do so many of the commenters feel it is right to berate him for drinking? Is it because sometimes Andrew says he is alcoholic? Does berating anyone for anything ever prove helpful? I think not. I think Andrew is still not sure what his own decision is about if he is an alcoholic or simply a drinker. And... whether anyone else likes it... it is ONLY Andrew's choice to make that decision about which definition is him.

And... guess what else, people... if Andrew decides something today, but changes his mind and makes another decision tomorrow.... that is the way it should be... for his making his own decisions is the right thing to do.

I can see more clearly what Andrew writes about now when he complained about us, his blog readers. Why do so many feel it is right to shame and/or berate him?

I do not understand.

PipeTobacco

Windrider said...

First of all,

To you who are simply berating and being cruel:

Walk a mile in this Man's shoes before you start passing harsh judgement upon him. And I mean REALLY walk a mile in his shoes, with a mental illness that is barely kept at bay with enough medication to tranquilize a herd of elephants. Add to that a loving, but dictatorial father and having the almost uncontrollable urge to throw away everything and be homeless again! Jesus people, this isn't some "weakness" he's succumbing to here because its the easy way out. It's the affects of a DISEASE of the brain.

Everyone in his life feels that they know what is best for him, and try to impose that on him. And get frustrated when he doesn't suddenly "get well" and stay that way. I 've had people do that to me and resented the hell out of it. It's really caring for him , but it's not expressed in a way that ist't irritating, and controlling.

Read the last 2 paragraphs again a few times. He's feeling weary, tired, humiliated, and wanting to cry out for help because of his situation. Is it really appropriate, or civilized to kick the man when he's down?

I think not...

And you "Joshua", can Bugger Off..

Pen and the Sword said...

I think it must be hard to blog. I think that much like riding a roller coaster to conquer your fears of heights (as an example... I have done this... it actually helped a little) that perhaps blogging sets you free in a way. It tames those harsh parts of your illness maybe? Writing can be therapy for the mind and soul in my opinion.

As for your family and friends... they love you and care for you or else they wouldn't be a part of your life in the first place. I know it must feel humiliating, but your father means well. He just wants you to be okay and being your parent, he feels responsible. It's like his way or reassuring himself that he is doing all he can do as your father to protect you his son.

That's my take on it, anyway. I hope you feel better, Andrew.

Michelle said...

Rarely do I see such authenticity and vulnerability on-line. Thank you for being honest. It has truly surprised me and inspired me. I may mention it on my blog!

Summer said...

Andrew... What great comments you have here, from one spectrum to the other. You are so talented! Look at the emotions you elicit from us all. Take what you want and need, leave the others behind. It's a subject that I've addressed many times on my blog.

You are you, you have a right to your feelings. Go with them. Write them. Live them. Breathe them.

I respect you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Andrew,
Please don't take any notice of the negative comments from these small minded people. You are who you are, good and bad.
I hope you don't feel the need to stop people from making comments as I look forward to logging onto my computer each morning and catching up with your day. I have become much more educated with "mental illness" since reading your blog because of the way you tell us about your life.
Try to only read the positive comments left here and ignore the negative ones. There are plenty of us who want only the best for you.

Please take care,
Terri
Sydney Australia

M said...

there is a Mcdonalds close to where I live that has consistent morning visitors. i like to go there and eat breakfast because even if i am alone, i don't feel so lonely.

M said...

wow. i just read the comments. interesting.

usually i read your posts and ignore the comments, Andrew.
i really have no comment on the comments. i come to the blog to read the posts. i take what you write at face value as your mood for the day, part of who you are not the whole picture.

i mean, if anyone reads this blog for awhile he or she will understand better where you are coming from and hopefully won't be so quick to judge.

andrew, i think you have been blogging long enough to know sometimes readers leave negative comments. let it roll right off your back. don't absorb it. just keep writing what you feel.

CJM-R said...

It has been a long day for you and the comments are noisy... breath and move forward. It is your unique journey and thank you for allowing us to be a part of it.

Portia said...

i am one more reader who does not want you to conform to anything but that which makes you happy and comfortable.
best wishes in finding it:)

CRUSTYBEEF said...

You are who you are and I embrace that..and are willing to listen when given words to read! :)
Remarkable post..just amazing!
Always,
Crusty~

Anonymous said...

Keep your chin up.

These are the same people who love and care for you--and if need be, would be willing to lay down their lives for you.

I can totally understand what you are thinking and going through though.

Hang in there.