Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Scared Shitless...

That is what I told Rosa a moment ago. She's worried about and concerned what I will do next. She feels I am not ready for work. I feel like a trapped animal. I hate money and the power it wields over people. I wish I lived in a utopia where all were fairly clothed, housed, and fed. Everything has a dollar amount attached to it these days. Thoreau's Walden comes to mind as I write this -- about how a man shouldn't make a living by the sweat of his brow, unless he sweats easier than he.

I've never been without an income -- never in my life. I always worked or had disability. It is almost zero hour and the time is nigh. I set out for another adventure in the world of working. My biggest fear? I will get paranoid and have a panic attack which will just paralyze me for more than an hour. I've been homeless and nothing seems as daunting as this. I wonder how people do it day in and day out -- a life of drudgery and not being able to call their time their own -- being bought and sold like a commodity on a trading floor.

A myriad of thoughts are rifling through my head as I write this. "You can always go live homeless in Nashville if worse comes to worse," I told myself if I can't hold down a job, and, "No one goes hungry in America." It is sad that I am already thinking of last ditch efforts. I should show more confidence in myself.

I feel like such an odd soul -- the odd man out. "Normal life" is eluding and escapes me. I sometimes wish I were a simpler soul -- less complex and mentally addled -- that would be happy in a minimum wage job. The best of both worlds? That I could sit and write all day. Maybe I will try Associated Content and Helium to see if I can drum up some extra cash. I was making around $200 to $300 dollars a month with the Google Ads. Were there is a will, there is a way. I know that is a trite and often used cliche, but it works for me.

I often look back over my life as compared to my brother's and sister's and the only lasting thing I have to show for it is a sparsely read blog on the Internet. Three years of my life is plastered across the Internet for people to read. Writing is the only thing that comes natural to me, and that is easy for me to do. Everything else is a struggle as my family tries to force this square peg into the proverbial round hole. Life is tedious and a terrible struggle -- always scrambling like some idiot to put food in my belly and jumping through tons of red tape to keep my disability so I can pay my utility bills. I feel like I don't even own my life. I am just plain tired.



You are strong. But only you can learn to believe that. Whatever you do. However long it may last..you will learn a new task.
I love that quote with Thoreau..great post..yeah...lots of posts from you today!! :)

KYRIE said...

Yes, Andrew you are strong, seen that in these pasts I have been reading your blog.
Have confidence my friend.

I always keep telling myself, "we should never allow our fears to define us".
I should know, I have a truck load of fears :)

Dreaming Mage said...

I've lived with major bipolar disorder for 30 years, 21 of them undiagonsed and untreated. I've suffered many instances of unemployment because of it. To this day, I only feel comfortable with an envelope full of 100-dollar bills on the shelf.

I've been homeless and undiagnosed. You can make it, buddy.

Just to calm you, I present a link to Joni's classic "California" video. I remember the perfomance well. She was young and not so beautiful even then. She never has been judged to be beautiful. But she is to me.

Check it out. http://bravenewfilms.org/blog/9234-joni-mitchell-california-bbc

It's a great peformance.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Any chance you can get a temporary job for the Holidays? Maybe an easy way to ease back into the mainstream of working?

Andrew said...


That is a great idea. I will seek out some temp. agencys tomorrow.


Thank you so much for the link.

justLacey said...

i can really relate to this. i worked for 20 years for the same employer and held several different positions. 6 years ago i went on leave to have my last 2 children and at the end of that i resigned to stay home and take care of them. now, when my youngets starts school full time next year i will have to go back to work. we have moved since i quit and my salary will be much less. i find it very depressing and it has caused me much anxiety lately. i have thought of a seasonal job to just to wet my feet, but will probably just wait until the last minute and go back. good luck and don't give up. sometimes you have anxiety because it's new, but you fall into a familiar pattern after a while and then it will be better.

Andrew said...


Thanks so much for the comment and I wish you luck, as well, in returning to work. I really need comments today and you that have left one really made my day!

mapiprincesa! said...

Andrew, you seem to appreciate literature and are so articulate--would you be comfortable in a bookstore-type of environment? If not working a checkout, then working the stocking? I don't mean to join the mass random suggestion-making, but perhaps something along those lines would permit you the solitude of your thoughts and the ability to sort of create your own environment without the confines of the general public or a lot of co-workers to deal with. I, too, am pulling for you.

Barb said...

Hey I have an idea...What about work in a library? No one can talk about you...you cant talk in a library. You would have gobs to read, and time to write, both of which are your gifts. Social Security is required to give you 6 months to see if the job works out, before they terminate the benefit...win-win situation as far as I can see.
Good luck Andrew, stay strong and focused! I believe in you even when you don't believe in yourself.


R.E.H. said...

I feel for you Andrew - or with you may be a better choice of wording.

Being a new reader of your blog, I find it very sincere and honest which is a rarity in blogging as I've found - especially when dealing with somewhat intense issues like the ones you're dealing with.

I've seen plenty of alcohilism and drug addiction in my life, so I understand what you are talking about. Luckily - I'm not a victim personally, but people in my immediate surroundings have been enslaved by the evil drink or drug.

I wish you all the best, and keep doing your best - one day at a time.

Blue said...

Listen to what these good people are telling you and then take it one day at a time.

Cheryl said...

Hi Andrew,

I just read through your comments, and there's a lot of good advice from caring people. We're all rooting for you, thinking about you, so although you might feel alone, you never are. I believe you will get through this struggle, and be strong again. I wish I could help you in more ways than just being your online friend. I'm always wanting the best for you. You will find your way through this.

Summer said...

You struck a chord with me tonight with your writing. I need to think about it a little more before I comment.

I do want to say to you, don't give up on yourself. You are far more than you give yourself credit for.


CJM-R said...

Life is difficult. First line of M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Traveled. Did you ever read it? It just came to mind as I started to write this comment. Hang in there Andrew, with all of us sending you such positive energy, something will turn up that will work out for you.
Change is always, always scary.

Beautifully Profound said...

As far as work goes, I wouldn't jump head first into the matter. I work two jobs and have for a bit now, and I still feel anxious. That's with out having paranoia. Maybe try some volunteer work first, ease yourself into being in social situations that contain work.

I don't know, I wonder even if you read my comments.

I really do understand how hard it must be not to have any money or not be in control of your finances it makes you feel dependent and that usually always reeks havoc on self confidence. Especially when it's a man, because men tend to see themselves as the bread winners of the family.

But seriously, just take the job thing slow. Other wise ( not that I don't have any confidence in you ) but you might be setting yourself up for disaster.

Be well, take care!

Beautifully Profound said...

Ugh and flipping burgers too. I did that for a month. Not mocking anyone, but I really wanted to kill myself everyday I went in. It was the worst experience I ever had and I cried every day I had to go in.

Kelly Jene said...

I'm new to your blog, but have really enjoyed everything you've written. I agree with the above comment. Fast food is a harsh environment. I did that and lasted an astounding 2 weeks. A book store would be a great suggestion. It always seems quieter and more peaceful around books.

You're in my thoughts and I really hope a solution that fits your needs comes to you quickly.

PipeTobacco said...


I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about getting a non-biased person to be in charge of doling out your SSID payments. I think that separating that role.... will allow your father to be your FATHER not your taskmaster and will allow you some of the autonomy you seek.

I think if you do pursue this, you will feel much, much more secure in your day-to-day routines and less under the thumb of your father's whim. It is not really fair that he use your disability checks in this way to manipulate your behavior.

I hope this works out and that you can find a way to have this change to your liking sir.


Anonymous said...

You wrote: "I wonder how people do it day in and day out -- a life of drudgery and not being able to call their time their own -- being bought and sold like a commodity on a trading floor."

Well guess what? ...that's life buddy. Get used to it. Ever hear the saying "Life's a bitch then you die?" Well it's true. Enjoy what little bits of happiness you can steal.


i always feel that i don't own my life, each of us has his struggles and there is always a way if we really want to do something about our struggles, the story is different who easily give up, i admire you for your courage despite life's tribulations, hold on tight^^

justLacey said...

I think if you can handle it, that this will be a good thing. There is nothing like having your own money and being able to spend it how you please without someone else's input. (Not on beer!) lol

Terri said...

I really like the ideas of a bookstore or library, but (don't cringe) have you thought of working for your father in the pharmacy? He of anyone would understand the anxiety, mistakes, panic attacks and it could be a temporary thing, just try and see if it works. Maybe it's a bad idea, just thinking outloud.

Eric Valentine said...

Glad to see you entertaining the work idea Andrew. There have been some good suggestions here too by many commenters.

I was thinking though, the negative to your illness is all the restrictions and turmoil that it brings.

However there is the thought that really despite your life the way it is, you really were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You do have a family who 'really' provide for you, IE: the house meds etc etc, the positive then think how much worse life could be for you if that were not the case.To every coin, there are two sides my friend. Please don't take this as an attack on you for that is not the intent, it's a thought that came to me a while ago and yes you could be a lot worse off . Good luck. :)

Portia said...

I hate the effect of money too. Even people who don't care about it still spend their lives working to survive. That said, I know there is a workplace that is comfortable for you out there, and in time you will find it.