I long ago quit writing negatively about my and my father's relationship because it seems like whining and it takes over my blog. I realize this stuff seems almost incredulous for my readers and many will quit reading and commenting. I made the mistake of doing this whining recently thus starting the volley of posts you got the past few days. I get comments like "he is your savior" and "without him you would be in the mental hospital, jail, or worse." Those statements could be true, but I doubt it. Long ago, my father was appointed the "representative payee" for my disability money because it was deemed by my doctors and family that I was so mentally disabled that I couldn't handle my finances. Lately, my father saw signs that I had been dabbling in drink and tightly closed the purse strings under the guise that I was spending too much so I must be drinking again. It has happened before so it is not surprising to me. Under his new regimen, I am only allowed $85 dollars a week and he must supervise these purchases to make sure I am not spending the money on beer. I personally feel I earned the money and should spend it like I deem fit -- the money being based on the amount of taxes I paid in over the years when I worked which is about a $1000 dollars a month. Also under this regime, I am not allowed any spending money or money for my pocket. So I revolt and it causes a rift and shit storm within the family. I am to go tonight to buy groceries, cigarettes, and gasoline for my car with my father supervising and writing the check. My father will tell me constantly how lucky I am to have him and how fortunate I am that he can work me into his busy schedule. It is quite frankly, humiliating.
I have actually had a decent day other than another terrible panic attack. I almost called 911, but tried some breathing exercises someone had posted in my comments. I got to feeling better within 15 minutes of breathing slowly and deeply. See how this all correlates? I cannot take too much social strife and struggle within my life. I realize a lot of you are reading in between the lines so hopefully, this will clear some things up. I promise the writing about it stops after this post and we will get back to more normal postings -- the posts I like to write about like walking to the park and my interactions with the gang. Sorry for the interruption.