Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Obsession

It's Tuesday evening. I should be cleaning up my house and doing laundry, but I have been lost in a book all day neglecting such mundane things. I find myself reading with an author's eye -- being very critical of everything I take in. It is fascinating that writers can dream up such grand worlds with rich characters that seem to jump off the pages. I also feel kind of hungover from a lack of sleep. I spent another sleepless night pacing the floor and intermittently reading books and smoking cigarettes. Luckily, Rosa is staying home more days than not lately. It was growing tiresome not have some alone time -- time to myself. I have to put on a front of "everything is well" when she is around. I can digress back into my comfortable mental illness and it's harsh embrace when confronted with solitude.

Lunchtime found me walking down to the shopping center. I stopped by the little Korean restaurant and ordered a to-go box of beef and mushrooms. It was delicious and their portions are so huge. I grabbed a bench by the Piggly Wiggly and read for hours while I smoked cigarettes and drank Gatorade. None of the gang was to be seen today. I was hoping to hear from Clara about her new sleeping bag. I have fears that it is too hot this early in the season causing her to sweat which is terrible for a down bag.

Talked to my father today about something Ferret told me yesterday. He said you can get high off of taking six or more Benadryl. "You can," my father said, "but your blood pressure will also shoot sky high. Your friend is playing a dangerous game." According to Ferret, the feeling is akin to taking a handful of Xanax or Valium. The addict in me was tempted to try it just as an experiment until I saw how much a pack of pills costs. There are cheaper addictions if I want to feel out of the ordinary.

I can't express in words of how glad I am to be alone tonight. I can stay up. Walk around in my underwear. Let Maggie bark till midnight. All things I can't do when Rosa stays over. Rosa has been telling me that my sleeping habits or lack thereof are keeping her up at night. She is staying home more often and it takes a lot of pressure off of me. I feel the need to cook for us and to keep a more normal schedule when she stays over. It is going to feel like a teenager at a sleep over tonight.

Feeling really strange lately -- like my medications are amiss. My head feels buzzy and so busy. Thoughts come and go like the wind and it makes it hard to write coherently or concentrate on anything of merit. I have tried to write dozens of times today only to stop mid paragraph and give up. I sometimes would rather deal with the symptoms of my schizophrenia than all the side effects of my medications. Medications for mental illnesses are a definite catch-22.

16 comments:

impromptublogger said...

Wow six Benadryl? Just one knocks me out for a while. Six would probably kill me, and most people. He must be a really big guy.

Sad that that is what he's resorting to.

I'm glad you have enjoyed your book.

Anonymous said...

NEVER take Benadryl to get high. Not only does it often contain other drugs which are severely toxic in high doses, but it will interact with your usual meds in a very dangerous way. Also, it usually causes wild hallucinations and delusions at such doses, and not the fun type where you know it's just a drug. The scary type that seem positively real.

Do your friend a favor and let him know how dangerous it is.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing evening. Perhaps you should pull out your pipe and pipe tobacco for a switch for tonight as you read. Pipes and books go well together.

PipeTobacco

Mary said...

Sometimes time alone is the best medicine for a restless mind. No pretenses, no social obligations, and no requirements to be other than what the moment dictates.

Anonymous said...

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thought of you.

Cheryl said...

That catch-22 is everywhere. I know how comforting it is for you to be with Rosa. But it's also nice to be alone. Meds make you feel not like yourself, but doing without has even more pitfalls. So...you take it one day at a time. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Maybe lay in bed and read? Careful of the cigarettes.

Pen and the Sword said...

That is a difficult situation. Having an addictive personality myself I often wonder what would happen if I relented and went down that scary path. I hope you won't try to do anything like. I would be sad if I couldn't read your wonderful blog. Call me selfish. ;o)

Davo said...

I'll echo Cheryl's comment on the smoking. I smoke myself but have seen some horrible consequences of over doing it.

Summer said...

Being alone is glorious isn't it?

LORD MANILA STONE said...

Hmmn, I am sure you loved that Korean dish you took out. My friend told me to try benadryl If I really want to lull in unconsciousness. I never tried it yet and I'm kinda scared knowing your dad said it is gonna affect your blood pressure.^^

Nikita1 said...

Glad you could read a bit! I've receive my book from the US which i ordered a couple of weeks ago...a friend recommended it...after he heard I've read Jonathan Livingstone Seagull of Richard Bach...so now I'm going to start reading...The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah...get yourself Jonathan...L..Seagull..an excellent book! have a good day!

Dirk said...

I enjoy your blog... I just started Lamictal so I can appreciate your frustration with meds. I have been med-free for about a year but found joy elusive. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to manage multiple meds. I wish only the best for you.

FYI, I am a computer consultant. Did you speak with Microsoft about the authorization for XP or only experience the online activation rejection? Generally, you can call them and they will givel you a new key assuming you do not have the OS installed on any other computers.

Bill said...

I have to say I really enjoy reading your blog, great writing . Keep up the good work I look forward to your next post.Bill

Portia said...

i hope you enjoyed your evening of solitude! and that you find some comfortable ground with the meds. trial + error.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Like you, Andrew, I enjoy my alone time, every bit (and sometimes more) than I enjoy the presence of company. Freedom to just be yourself - no obligations to entertain, no pretenses. Ahhhhh! Perhaps you can find a comfortable balance between the two. I'm still working on that.

Temptation is a hard thing to live with, isn't it? The harder we fight it, the more it stays present in our mind. I'm glad that the cost of Benadryl prevented you from trying this experiement - it might be your last day of blogging among us, and that would be such a horrible loss!! Take care, Andrew, you are loved just as you are.

Rhea Li said...

I have schizophrenia as well. My medications keep changing and there are times I just want to throw away the meds and live with the illness because of the side effects of my medications. Not fun. At least when you do write, it is coherent enough for others to grasp an understanding. I haven't been able to write or talk like that so easily unless it's morning when I haven't taken my meds for the day yet.