Wednesday, October 31, 2007

More Little Joys

A gentle tear rolled down my cheek as I sat on my back steps playing with Maggie.

"What are we going to do, girl?" I asked her. "Rosa hates us. My father is not speaking to me. My mother is in serious trouble by my father. It is all so screwed up. All for fourteen dollars."

Maggie cocked her head to the side seemingly saying, "Don't worry. Let's play!" She grabbed a stick in her jaws and took off across the backyard at a furious gait. I wiped away the tear and smiled. And then took off running with her. Maggie's jubilant jumps of sheer joy bringing giggles to my voice.

I know I looked crazy to all my neighbors. A grown 35 year old man playing with his dog in the back yard like a child. It felt so freeing though, and I haven't laughed so hard in years. In my last post, I spoke of little joys. Maggie was the soothing balm to ease my aching heart. All mentally ill people should be allowed to have a pet -- companions through thick and thin. Never harsh. Never judgmental. Unconditional love. A lesson my father could learn by watching me and Maggie interact.


mapiprincesa! said...

Our pets and our chidren can teach us all so much about how we are supposed to live, embracing each moment... good for you.

Armando said...

I used to have a little dog, Colita. She was my partner for many years. It was so sad when I had to left her in Chile to move here. I will never forget her and I think I made her very happy and she made me very happy too.

People can come and go,a nd get mad at you, but your dog will be there always ready to make you happy. :)

Happy Halloween

Stacy said...

Andrew I feel so bad for you right now. I wish there was something I could do for you. I know how good it feels to have a pet that is loved so much though. They can bring us so much comfort. Life is so tough sometimes. I know. We just have to take it a day at a time.
Although I don't suffer from schizophrenia I do have really awful panic attacks. (due to the death of my husband at such an early age) Anyway, I totally understand what you are going through. I know it is very scary and at times seems hopeless. I wish you all the best and I hope things start looking up for you.

lynn said...

Dear Andrew,
Your dad is so SCARED for you. He's loves you so much and he is afraid that you will fall back into the slavery of drinking. He doesn't mean that he'll never help you again he is just discouraged and scared and it is coming back in the form of lashing out at you.

Just be honest and apologize to him for making him feel decieved. Tell him why you want the money and ask for a check for AA.

You yourself said that having the cash was a serious temptation to you to drink.

Just chill dude! Remember the deep
breathing and maybe think about attending a church. They might be supporting of you.

I'm praying for you.

impromptublogger said...

Andrew, I don't think Rosa hates you. I think she is dealing with enough of her own crap right now i.e. her daughter and granddaughter that she doesn't want to add another stressor for you. So are you ready to take care of a kid (I don't know how old but...)? See what I mean?

As for your Dad I am sorry he lashed out at you. I do think he is treating you like a 5-year-old and when you start declaring independence he freaks.

Snuggle up with Maggie. I call our Doxie "Dr. Max" sometimes because he is good at comforting when you're feeling down or sick.

justLacey said...

I don't think Rosa hates you, I think she is hurt and she has some other stuff going on too now. Try and make some new friends at your AA meetings. It takes a while, but the more often you go, the faster it will happen. Look into getting yourself a sponser too. Someone you can call when you need a shoulder to lean or cry on. Talk to Maggie too, there is nothing like the unconditional love of a fur kid. Your dad has his own issues. I would imagine this is all overwhelming for him too. Feel sorry for him, not angry or hurt. If he is a control freak it's very hard for him as he is dealing with things that are just uncontrolable. Love your videos.

Whitney said...

I bet the neighbors were a bit jealous watching you have such a good time with Maggie. I am so sorry that you are struggling so today. Keep positive, be strong, know your goals and your family will come around.

Kelly Jene said...

Pets are there for you in ways that humans can't conceive of. I'm glad you have Maggie. I have cats and I will never let them go.

I wish things with your family were easier. I know your father loves you, but he worries as all parents worry. I hope it gets better. Hugs!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I know my dogs have saved me more than once.

Life isn't so black and white, Andrew... it will all sort out.

Have faith.

And Happy Halloween. :-)

Barb said...

Man I am needing to talk to you. I wish we could talk on the phone. I would listen until you werent able to talk anymore and when the anxiety went away. Stay strong friend, knowing that God is with you when things are still. Feel Him in the wind, see Him in the night's sky, and know Him like the Father that He is.

Jessica said...

Animals are so therapeutic!
My dogs are my life. I don’t know what I would do without them.
Spending time with them can really put things into prospective. Hang in there Andrew, and spend as much time with Maggie as you can.

Debbie said...

what about going back to the humane society?

justLacey said...

Andrew, these are my dogs in our backyard. The white one is my boxer Panda and the brown one is our chocolate lab Reese. Pand is a year old and Reese is only 9 months.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I am so glad that you have Maggie, our furkids love us unconditionally, and they are so good for the soul! You have many friends here that love you that way too, Andrew! Stay strong, keep focusing on the good things and on being the man you want to be. You can do this, I know you can!

Cheryl said...

Life is all about the little joys and finding happiness where you can. Sounds like that's what you did today to help you get through. Your walk, playing with Maggie, enjoying your camera. I bet that was a good one.

I hope your dad apologizes to you. He shouldn't have spoken to you the way he did, and I was surprised, especially since he spent so much time before talking you through an anxiety attack. I think the check to A.A. is a good idea too.

Today's almost finished and thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I hope it's much, much better.

Annabel said...

Hang in there. I know your father loves you and cares for you very much. He'll come back around. He always does. He was just angry.

You have many wonderful blessings in your life... sometimes they are hard to see, but they are always there. Just remember that. And know that I pray for you only a daily basis.

bonnie said...

I haven't read all of your blog, tho I confess to reading it some. I had to nearly laugh hysterically when I read your comment to Cheryl....dear "gentle soul..." and she IS a gentle soul. I just couldn't help thinking what my own title would be... "cranky soul?," or maybe "uncompromisingly honest," but definitely not "gentle soul," or "sweetheart." I wish I were that soft and sweet. I love terms of endearment, it's just gotta fit. P.S. I had a dog named Maggie, and what are dogs for but to love completely and with abandon. Happy Halloween!

Portia said...

There's not a thing wrong with playing with Maggie in your yard.. pets are great for most people for those same reasons. I'm glad you have each other. Enjoy her company and try not to worry too much:)

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anonymous said...

I miss Rosa. Do you think she dumped you? Now that Clara is gettin' sober, she might be something you should pursue.


I know your father loves a parent, we always love our children..and I may be a new parent but the unconditional love is there..but yes, the judging, assuming yes..that's so hurtful to be the one that is lashed out at. TO be "in trouble" for giving her son $14...that's the controlling nature of his personality-but it's not whats in his heart..give it some time, take a tiny break from them, and then things will turn back around..this is all part of the phase of family involved life. The more involved parents are in the lives of their children the more they think they can "tell us" how to live it.
ie: if they give you money, support you, fly you somewhere..etc...that control factor. GRrrrrrr I live it with mine too!
and, I think everyone needs to be reminded how to live carefree for a few moments, and what you were doing in the yard with Maggie was just that-a reminder to all of us to just be ourselves. GOOD FOR YOU!!!


Maggie is certainly a blessing to you. I wish I had a pet in my lonesome nights at work.^^

kicking.and.screaming said...

someone make my mama read this. mentally ill or not.