Last night's A.A. meeting was so small. There was only four of us. A.A. seems to be floundering these days. I know there is no shortage of alcoholics. They are just not gracing those rooms. I shared about not having any money and my father not letting me have any due to my drinking past. It was kind of humiliating.
"You'll never get better unless you can make the choice to drink or not for yourself," Sandy, a long time A.A. goer, said. "Sobriety can't be forced upon you."
"I know," I replied. "I just don't know what to do. I am trying to get a job. But I'm scared."
"It is okay to be scared," Sandy said. "Maybe that will keep you from drinking."
I did find five dollars sequestered away in my winter coat yesterday. So far, I have resisted any imbibing in mouthwash or a six pack of beer. I was telling my mother about it yesterday.
"Give me the five dollars," my mother said.
"No," I said. "I will never get better unless I can make a conscious choice not to drink. Ya'll have babied me enough."
My parents have come to my rescue far too many times and it has hurt and hindered me. I am 35 years old and am clueless about life and it's inner workings.
Today, I have a 1 PM A.A. meeting and then me and my mother are going out to eat at Barnes' restaurant at five. I look forward to spending some time with my mother and getting a good meal. They have fabulous steaks.