Friday, October 26, 2007


The morning arrived with a smile -- the first smile I've had on my face in quite a while. There is hope for this wayward human being yet. Talked to Rosa this morning. I called her. She was distantly cold to me. My little foray into drinking a few weeks ago ruined our relationship. Talk about consequences!

Went to the local A.A. meeting last night. Carl, who has a learning disability, chaired the meeting. It was interesting to watch the old timers come to his rescue many times. It came my time to speak.

"I once had a sponsor years ago," I said. "He hurt my feelings and I never talked to him again. If I would have only listened to him it would have saved me years of hurt and pain."

I sometimes feel I am suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome from my mental illness and the drinking. I have felt crazier lately now that I have sobered up -- an unnerving feeling of losing your mind. Rash thoughts and even rasher actions.

I am really appreciating all the comments lately. It is nice and helpful to hear the advice of others. Quite frankly, I have never been good at making life choices and I feel I taking on too much with this working thing. The good thing is that I have a 9 month trial work period where I can work as much as I want and still draw my disability. So this little foray back into work will be a test -- a test that will not destroy everything.

Pipe Tobacco's advice is wise and I am taking heed. I just don't know how to go about getting my disability turned over to a third party. I am supposed to go talk to the county mental health, but they can be very lackadaisical in their response. I haven't had much luck in talking to them. I think I am going to go get a shower and go out to talk to mental health now. I am just so worried it will hurt my father's feelings -- causing him to become irate. My life is never simple.


Summer said...

I wish I could give you a big hug. I should tell you all of my bad life choices and then you'd feel way better. But I don' think this comment box is big enough. Ha! Enjoy your day.

darksadist said...

yay! im finally the first to comment.. :) sure Rosa still does love you...she pretty has her hands full with her daughter and granddaughter..dont worry bout it...and i hope you get called up by Domino's or Mc Donald's...all the best...but remember to take baby steps and not try to rush things.. :)

just dont forget about blogging..or else...rawrrr! :P


darksadist said...

or so i thought..dang..took too long to comment..well, second is good too.. =/

abbagirl74 said...

We all have pains and struggles in life. It's all in how you deal with it. You have been very proactive so far. That's great. It's good to see you come to your own conclusions about your life. I will say though, your father does have your best interest at heart. Although I don't agree with all of the meds he has you on, I do think he is a genuine person who loves you so much. Parents always get irate with their children. They want their children to live their life the way the parent wants them to. It's natural.

Life is never simple. That's the great part about it. If it were, we couldn't grow and become our own individuals. Keep that chin up, booger.

Karin's Korner said...

I'm rootin' for you. Talk to Rosa and fix whatever is hurting. Communication is the key right up there next to total honesty. If you want her to continue to be in your life, make the move to make it happen.

I am so glad to hear that you are out there doing things that you never thought you could do six months ago. I am so proud of you!

Hang in there my friend, you can do anything through the Lord as he is your strength.


Barb said...

I am rooting for you; standing in the "Andrew bleachers of your life. I believe in you, and know that your 'higher power' will walk with you and stand with you always. That is what God does. He is BIG!

Don't give up on Rosa!
Good luck this day, and make it a good memory!


Barb said...


Lara said...

I'm glad to see YOU back. The stories of your homeless friends are ok, but I couldn't seem to handle watching you self-destruct. You worked so hard to stay sober and watching you give it up was too tough so I had to quit reading for a while. No ones life is simple... I pray that you find the strength to continue your struggle to find yourself.


Eric said...

Can I have fries with that, please?

I'll take a large with pepperoni, extra cheese and anchovies.

So what do you think? Ready to hear things like that? I wish you well. A job can be a centering force. What is important is that you work the job that fits you best. I wonder if you might be better off at a bookstore, or library?

Relationships can be tough, but know that in the good ones, mistakes, failings, etc are not death knells. You just have to be honest, talk to her, and remember why you love her in the first place.

Mary said...

I'm in your cheering section, Andrew. As the Professor said yesterday everything in moderation. You're making progress. Rosa is watching; she's just busy now. Give her time.


We all at some form no matter how much our parents give us love we still seek their approval and to disappoint them to see the irate fires in their eyes from something decided by us is still painful to see. I hope whatever you decide goes over well with your dad.
When I was walking Jack to school this morning as you know the trains about 6blocks north of our home and as I heard the train whistle their goodbyes to my town it dawned on me-you should go see if the station or train yard is love trains..hooking up the cars, keeping the track clean..etc...
Happy friday!
Hang in there with Rosa, as a woman I can understand her distance..if you want her and she wants you, give her time to gain back trust otherwise you both will feel quite uncomfortable with each other..and if you should decide to part as partners but remain as friends that's fine too! It's your heart that beats for her!! :)


Saluti dall'Italia!

Anonymous Boxer said...

Have a wonderul Friday, Andrew.

I'm sorry about Rosa.

Kelly Jene said...

Keep that smile going, friend! There is joy to be found in everything. I hope that your talk with the county is fruitful and brings about the desired result.

Give Rosa time. She'll see you're doing your best to get things together.

Stacey said...

Sounds like you are re-thinking the job thing, take your time, don't rush into anything.

Rosa wants to know she is more important then drinking to you, if she is, place yourself second and prove to her you want her back. It sounds like its going to be up to you and if you want her, you will need to show here how much.

No one's life is simple. Abbagirl74 said it best. It is all how you deal with these things. All the people you see who seem to have everything and don't have any problems, the do- juast as many, if not more then you- yes they are different problems, be we all have them. It is all how you react to them. No one's life is simple, that is a fact.

Keep going to meeting! You are doing good!

Leann said...

I'm sure your father will be upset Andrew. As many have stated he has your best interest at heart. Given that, he cannot be impartial because he is so close to you. A third party will not be emotionally involved and able to help you make better choices.

If I had two cents for every life choice I made that was not good for me....I'd be sharing the wealth.

Hang in there Andrew and isn't it fun to know you have your very own cheering section?!

justLacey said...

I too am sorry to hear about Rosa. I gues she also has a full plate right now and perhaps the parts of the relationship that were hard were what were causing you to turn to alcohol. She was a friend before and she will return when she gets over being hurt.
As for trying to navigate the waters of the government benefits, it's always hard. Unless you know someon who has had the experience already, they seem to never want to tell you what it is you need to do or how to go about doing it. My sister gained the most know leged from people she met at the benefits offices that had already been through the system.

SOUL: said...

hi ...

by third party do you mean "payee"?
if so... this person will basically fill out most of the paperwork.

it really isn't that difficult if you GO to the ss office and are lucky enough to talk to someone who knows what they're doing.

i was my moms payee for a while .
basically it's ss numbers, bank info, and signatures... you may be able to download a form off the ss website.
have a look.

hope everything is going well... sounds like you're on the right track.
ha.. makes me think of crustees comment.
it was a good suggestion she had---- if you are that type of worker type... but it will be gettin cold soon..does cold bother you? i hate it.

anyhow.. hope you have a great day.
take care