My father was much kinder to me last night. He was worried that I had another terrible panic attack and acted concerned. I was really amiss and couldn't even get it together to get dressed last night. Dad found me laying in the bed after letting himself in. I had paced my floors for hours trying to "walk off" a panic attack. I was exhausted. I was so paranoid that I thought my neighbors were watching me and that they had called the police because of my strange behavior. This only exacerbated my attack.
"Dad, I can't take all this strife in my life," I told him with a tear in my eye. "It makes me sick. Deathly sick."
"I know, son," he said, patting me on the leg. "We are just going to stay calm. I am not going to start anything tonight."
We drove over to Fat Albert's convenience store, and dad went inside and bought me some cigarettes and a 12-pack of diet cokes. I was so pleased to get them, not having anything to drink in my house and I hate just water. I was not dressed to go inside as well and stood outside by the car to the glaring eyes of the patrons brought on by my paranoia. "Doesn't he look odd?" I could hear their voices saying.
"I love you," I told him on the drive home. I burst out crying, sobbing like a small child. "I really do."
"I love you, too," he replied and it made me feel better. I wiped the tears from my eyes and my father told me he was always going to make sure I have a home and a life. He told me that he was always going to love me and that's what families do.
I really do love my father and don't want to be at arms with him all the time. I wish I was like my brother and so independent where we could have a different relationship. This schizophrenia is for the birds! I hate having a mental illness. I hate being dependent upon someone else.
Rosa is going to put some gas in my car for us to get Clara down to Columbus and the Rescue Mission this afternoon. That will be something interesting to write about. I am scared I will have another panic attack so I told Rosa she has to drive. I feel really weak today. Very weak, as if I have a fever.