Friday, October 19, 2007

Just Writing my Thoughts

Been reading all morning stories and experiences in Rescue Missions. I want to know exactly what Clara is getting involved in. I also long to go myself. To be around others and to have some purpose to life -- to have someone plan out my haphazard days and tell me this is what you need to do to get better. I want direction. I also crave human contact the most -- any contact, even the negative experiences of the homeless would be nice -- and Rosa has been busy with her daughter and grandchild much of the time lately. I spend much of my time alone. I can see why, Kevin "The Homeless Guy" Barbieux, gave up his home to be homeless again. You have more direction and purpose to life -- the will to survive spurs you on and keeps you busy. You are also surrounded by people in an urban homeless setting -- the homed life getting so lonely and you are stuck in your little box to wile away your time.

I really wish we had as vibrant an A.A. group as the Lagrange group up the road. The Lagrange group has meetings three times a day. We are lucky to have one a day here. I would get active in them and try to do something positive. I cannot afford to drive to Lagrange which is thirty minutes away everyday. It can be a long day waiting for an A.A. meeting and the human contact I so crave -- the human camaraderie of a singular purpose and cause.

I've thought of volunteering. The only real volunteering resource is our local hospital being a very small town. I am worried extensive background checks will rule me out since I have a mental illness. I guess I could go try. I worry I won't stick to it and will grow tired of it in a few weeks since I am not being paid. I am not the most responsible of persons to be honest. I don't won't to waste people's time. I worry I will fail.

I try to walk all day in my house to pass the time. I pace back and forth between rooms as I talk to myself and ruminate over wants and desires -- talk radio constantly being on for comfort. I tried walking this morning and just got tired and wanted to search for things about Rescue Missions. I can't help but romanticize the experiences these men and women go through on the fringes of society. Their hard lives seem so real and mine so fake and vacuous.

I wish I could watch TV to pass the time. I gave up on television years ago not being able to concentrate on it very long. I can't even sit down and watch The Weather Channel any more.

I could concentrate on the blog more, but I write about real life and am not sure how interested in fiction my readers would be. It is hard enough to write about real life in an interesting way and that is happening to me. I would think coming up with a new fictionalized story everyday would prove hard.

I guess I just want some peace of mind mentally. Writing is so cathartic for me. Peace to be okay with myself and peace to sit alone quietly without something to occupy my mind constantly. I am just a bundle of agitated nerves all the time as if I am about to jump out of my skin. I am my own worst enemy.


pattycakes said...

yu seem to like older people a lot because i remember you talkin about going to visit your gramma and you seemed to like being with her. what if you went to visit people who cant get out everyday or nursing homes or deliver meals to homebound people and possible get paid for it. sounds like you need some structure . i know it would drive me crazy to just sit in my house all day . your right there is nothing good to watch on tv these days lol i will say a special prayer for you today so you get some peace andrew , here is a nice hugg for you , btw that anon was me lol i forgot to put my name on it . but have a good day if you need any thing just holler and iwill be glad to listen huggggg bye for now :)

madamspud169 said...

There's more to volunteering than most people imagine. You could walk dogs for the elderly, work in the hospital shop or visit the inpatients there who have nobody.

Maybe you could create a presentation for groups & schools on homelessness or mental illness & help others to realise that people who go through this are human too.

You write a wonderful blog, full of emotion & expression so why not start up a new one on something like blogger and try writing fiction or maybe even some short stories or a novel.
There's many sites out there that pay for articles & stories like or Helium & in my opinion you're writing is more than good enough to be published.

Kelly Jene said...

I would love to read some of your fiction!

H@rry said...

I'm rooting for you Andrew, you can be successful, you just don't realize it. You write so well I suspect that you are just "faking it" for some reason and are not "disabled" at all. I would love to read a novel that you wrote. If you just picked a half dozen characters based on yourself, Rosa, and others, you could write about the minute by minute, day by day experiences just like you are doing in your blog. Hey, it would sell!

Tee said...

What happened to the book you were writing? About your Grandmother's life?

KYRIE said...

I love to read your fiction stuff too on the blog. But do remember to write "fiction post" on top :)

Can I make a request if u decide to write some fiction here? Can you write a ghost story or sth really really scary! I really love reading spooky stuff :)

BTW, you are searching and it is a good thing. You will find sth tht fits u, ur niche, sth tht u want to do. U will know whn u find it :)


You may feel that you are your worst enemy,but in turn you are also your best friend...whatever advice you'd give to your best friend, seek it for yourself as well. Hang in there and do what you want to do!!
If volunteering is what you'd like to do..than by all means go for it..if you don't like it, you don't have to stick to it..
maybe something outdoors at a festival or pumpkin farm or something being that you love the outdoors, and outside you'll be able to "see" the weather change.