Wednesday, October 31, 2007

It Just Gets Better...

On top of my recent anxiety attacks, my father attacked me over the phone saying I was drinking was why I am having the attacks. I had called to ask my father to call my brother for something to take that would calm me down -- to stop the racing heart palpitations.

"Your mother gave you fourteen more dollars! She told me!" he screamed. "You can't have any cash money! You always drink with it. Go to your mother for any problems from now on. See if she can help you which she can't. I work all the time and you are about to drive me crazy with your drinking ways."

He hung up the phone. I came in need and hung up the phone flabbergasted. I had a terrible attack -- the worst in years. Sadly, I don't know what to do. I feel so backed into a corner. I mentally can't take all this crap. He never thinks of me and how he handles things has such a profound effect upon me. It all seems to be go back to work which will be terribly hard for me or die ensconced in a form of monetary enslavement hell. My father would totally freak out to know I've had some job interviews lately. I am coming to the conclusion that he is a total control freak. It is all so totally f--ked up.

On the good news front, I did manage to walk this afternoon and that made me feel better. To get out of the house with fresh air and clear, blue skies was wonderful. The furious beating of my heart slowed and went back to normal -- my clammy feeling face and hands garnering a normal temperature. I walked deep into the mill village in search of solace. I found it in little joys. I am not going to let the completely sick relationship with my family upset me any longer. I have a choice whether to participate or not. My heart just can't take it. I apologize to belabor you that read with this junk. I just don't have anywhere else to turn to.

Little joys he said. And they were. The joy of seeing Mrs. Mary comically walking her four dogs -- the four beasts tugging and pulling on their leashes as if almost unleashed hounds. The little joy of a parade of squirrels munching acorns in a front yard. Sitting by the Methodist church and praying vehemently for help with these attacks. I could almost feel God talk to me. "Calm down," he said. "You are going to be okay. You are in my arms." It was comforting and I walked home with my little joys fresh upon my mind. You are going to be okay. You are in my arms. A much better voice than the ones I usually hear via my schizophrenia -- voices of crime and punishment.


Josie Two Shoes said...

You ARE going to be ok, Andrew - hang in there! I think you should go to that Feb. meeting about having your guardianship changed. You need someone who is impartial. It is absurd that he expects you to never have one dollar in your pocket as an adult. It isn't right. I am glad that you were able to find some solace in walking, that has always brought comfort to me too. Don't let your father's accusations drag you down, keep working on your sobriety - do it for YOU! (((hugs)))

Beautifully Profound said...

*sigh* you're father seems impossible. I hope he comes around. Glad you are feeling better though Andrew, take care and don't be discouraged.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Your father might do himself a favor and attend some meetings for Al-Anon - he clearly loves you, but doesn't know that over-managing you isn't what will keep you sober.. YOU will keep you sober, regardless if you have money or not..... the next time he yells, try suggesting this to him.

Did you take your camera with you on your walk?

Sherri said...


I am not saying your father's behavior is OK but keep in mind he loves you. He may be making bad choices right now but I am sure he is afraid. No matter your age, you are his son. He must be so afraid of you falling. Give him some time and give yourself some time. It will feel different after time passes. I know this because I have my own experiences with my family. But remember he is not perfect - none of us are. Keep moving. Keep yoursef busy and you will be OK.


Kelly Jene said...

I'm sorry you weren't able to get the help you needed. Walking and air do wonders for the spirit.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Debbie said...

Hi Andrew,

i have been reading for a while now but this is my first comment.

do you think the heart palpitations could be related to blood sugar? either too high or too low? if you are not eating right it could be. you mentioned that you have trouble with caffeine but what about sugar in the cokes you drink?

i have enjoyed your v-blogs too.
keep em coming! i love your southern accent.

mapiprincesa! said...

God has communicated with me in my absolute lowest points in my life, and the voice and feeling that it gave me was undeniably comforting, I have to agree. Perhaps one day we can speak of this together. I will look forward to that possibility.

Portia said...

I'm sorry Andrew, that sounds rough. At least the walk helped, and you did that for yourself:) It can be hard for some people to slow down and enjoy the simple beauty of life, and you have this remarkable ability to do that in some trying times.

Grad007 said...

Hi Andrew,

Having your father accuse you of drinking, when you are not, is quite unfair. Like Josie, I also think it would be helpful to have control of your disability payments transfered to someone else.

I've never had an anxiety attack. They do sound scary. Could you discuss some treatment for them with a doctor, or your brother or sister, while you are feeling well, so that you have some medication handy the next time one comes on?

Wishing you all the best!

Ps - Thanks for writing. I so enjoy reading your blog.

pai said...

I think your father has yet to learn to let go of you. There comes a point in a parent-child relationship where the parent has to let the child fall and fall hard so that the child can know it's ok to fall - they will survive. And that by surviving they grow stronger and more confident. You really need to start the process of a 3rd party trustee for your disability money. You can take control of your own life, and learn from your choices, good or bad.

You can do it, so can i. :)


Parents mean well, but it doesn't come off that way many times I know. My father too is a control freak, his way, no one elses...things like that..reading about the highs and lows with your dads relationship reminds me of mine..and we still want that's hard..but look at it this way, he doesn't know any other way to be-see how much further ahead you are to see that? To know when to take a break from them when your heart can't take it..but to never walk completely away because you do love them all so much.
Family dynamics..I refer to as family dysfunctions we all have them.
I'm sorry it was so hectic for you yesterday. :(


The voice of God is certainly an assurance that things will fall right through for you. Your walks too are a good way to deal with the emotional problems you have now. God Bless Andrew.^^