I feel so horrible. I overslept and missed both my noon A.A. meeting and working at the Humane Society. I wonder if the Humane Society will want me back? I was just so tired from all that has been going on. I woke up at seven and then went back to sleep.
Last night I went and bought groceries with my dear father meeting me and writing a check. I am still without money. I only bought fifty dollars for the whole week and it is going to be lean. I am going to have to skip meals. Then, Dad and me went to Fat Albert's to buy cigarillos and to put gas in my car. We drove around afterwards as dad gave me my nightly medications and waited for them to take effect.
"Dad, do you think I am a bad person?" I asked.
"No," he said. "I just think you are misguided."
"I want so badly to be a decent man," I told him. "My heart hurts for wanting to be a good person. I don't want to die alone and it is headed that way."
"I think you need to think of others more," he told me. "You are one of the most selfish people I know. People gravitate to others they know will give of themselves."
A tear rolled down my cheek. I feel like I am such a terrible, wretched man and want to be good -- to be of service to others and to be well liked. I want people, other than homeless people and miscreants, to like me and to want to be my friend.
I also wanted my father to tell me he loves me and that everything was going to be okay. I still can be a small child about such things. I strongly believe I never actually grew up due to my mental illness and the drinking. Forever, a child trapped in the body of a man.
"How was your day?" I finally asked my father trying to think of others and to show interest in others.
"Same ole. Same ole," he said, not revealing much.
I am in awe of my father. What he does. How busy his days are. How despite all odds he keeps his life and family together. It makes me feel less than adequate. I watch my father's busy days and it makes me feel so tired just from looking. I don't see how he does it and he seems happy! There is just something constitutionally wrong with me. I feel like such a failure not even being able to do half what my father does and I am half his age! Excuse me while I go and sulk and feel sorry for myself for a few hours.