Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Crazy Thinking

I so badly want a drink today so I thought I would write it out. I want to go by the pawn shop and sell my Nintendo Gamecube for ten bucks or so. The only way I could get up some money without borrowing it from my neighbors. That ten bucks would keep me drunk for a week off of mouthwash at $2 dollars a bottle (premium) or drunk two days off of beer.

This is the craziness my mind imbues. This stinkin' thinkin' as they call it in A.A.

This is when I need a meeting most. To sit and hear others speak of their struggles with alcohol. To hear the worse case scenario stories that make mine own pale in comparison. To sit and listen of the hope and gratitude that only sobriety will bring to a drunk.

One of my biggest struggles with A.A. lately is that I don't have a dollar to put in the donation basket when it passes. All eyes are upon me as I grab that basket and send it on it's way bereft of my dollar. I have thought of getting my father to write A.A. a check and at least my own mind's worries will be assuaged -- a monthly check of daily donations.

Back to the drinking. This incredible, all encompassing urge. I know the consequences vividly -- destruction of family relationships, deterring of volunteer service, health consequences from drinking mouthwash. They are all to real, but to an alcoholic, the gains (alcohol) outweigh the negative aspects (the consequences). That blissful feeling of inebriation melting away my anxieties, my loneliness, and all that mentally ails me. I have to suffer on though without it -- to be without the elixir that fixes all that ails me. It is my cross to bear to experience life sans drink.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"


lynn said...

Don't worry about missing Humane Society just apologize when you go back next time. In order to handle getting up go ahead and set an alarm clock. Treat the AA and Humane Society like jobs. They can be practice for possibly getting a real job someday.

I am praying for you. Remember God loves you very much and wants you to open yourself up to spiritual healing.

God bless,

Anonymous Boxer said...

((hugs)) to you Andrew.

Concerned2 said...

Hey, I'm still thinking call someone in AA. What you are feeling sounds intense and normal for an alcoholic. Do you have phone numbers? Are there any other meetings in your area today? As for the dollar to put in the basket, isn't it supposed to be a donation. From what I know about AA, they're not in it for the money. I finally finished a long project today. If it wasn't for my procrastination on that project I wouldn't have found your blog. We're rootin for ya out here in cyberspace.

Andrew said...

Hey concerned,

I have a meeting at 6 PM in Lagrange Georgia that I am attending. I just got a shower in preparation. Thanks for the kind words!

Tiffanie said...

Don't worry about the money in the basket thing. There are alot of times I can't put any in either. No biggie! There may be future times where you have it and can actually put $2.00 in. Enjoy your 6:00 meeting.

Anonymous said...

Where has Rosa been?

Triste said...

I was reading a few posts you know there is actually a job called peer coordinators... you have to have a diagnoses mental illness and you go and counsel others with like illnesses. If you want more information..leave me a note.

Portia said...

I wish you weren't worried over the money. I am quite sure most members of AA would rather have you there and sober than out in the world of temptation. I hope it goes well tonight!

Doug McMillan said...

Hello Andrew,

I've seen your blog a few times over the past few months and it seems to me that you use it as a way to get "stuff" out of your system (your blog is cathartic for you), which is no bad thing! If you are interested in discovering and understanding your "self" more clearly then you could do worse than taking up meditation and self-knowledge. It works for me and that is what my blog sites are all about. Anyway Andrew . . good luck.

Cheryl said...

I'm clicking on your ads, Andrew. When do you get another check? I hope it's soon. Everyone needs some money in their pockets. I'm glad you're off to an A.A. meeting. I'll be looking for you later.

Ellie said...

sorry to hear about the craving you so mentioned in the beginning. You are an extremely strong person. Thanks for your comment on my blog again.

ctw(connecting the world),


justLacey said...

You are not the only one struggling. We all struggle with something or other and we all have thoughts inside our on heads that would seem crazy to others if we wrote them down. You are more normal than you think. There are many days I would love to hop in my car and drive off and not come home and there are many days that are good too. Sometimes we let it get the better of us and have a tantrum in our own minds and then move on. The only difference is you put yours down for us to read and we don't. Perhaps you are the braver one. Hang in there, tomorrow is another day with a new begining.


No worries..we're behind you no matter what!!


Don't worry about not giving the $$$ if they should judge lest they look into their own souls in regards to their past.